The reason is simple, because parents are insecure. In interpersonal interactions, if the stronger party lacks psychological security, it usually relies on the fear of losing control by forcefully controlling others.
In China, the most important task for parents is to make their children mature. Chengcai is very important in China, because only Chengcai can hope to live a rich, safe and dignified life. In order to nurture their children, Chinese parents are eager to make their children what they want. If the child fails to do this, or shows rebellion, the parents will have a fear of losing control, will become extremely anxious, further increase the strength of control and hope that the child will obey, and the child will further resist... This cyclical negative cycle of control-rebellion-out-further control torments both parents and children.
So do parents in other countries have similar problems?
When I read Developmental Psychology, I was most impressed by the story of the American swimmer Phelps introduced by the teacher. Phelps is an ADHD patient who is unable to concentrate on the classroom, constantly making trouble for the teacher, and sometimes making trouble in science class is dangerous, endangering the safety of teachers and students in the classroom. There was no doubt that Phelps was a bad boy. His mother was a teacher and his father was a police officer, both of which were notoriously controlling crowds in China. It can be imagined that Phelps's childhood would have been very tragic if it happened to Chinese children, and it is likely that his childhood was spent like this: the teacher's endless complaints, his parents' scolding again and again, being locked in his home to study, being deprived of watching TV, sports, playing games and all other entertainment activities, reprimands, verbal violence, cold violence is commonplace, parents see no effect and begin to attack the heart, a moment of severe scolding, a moment of crying and crying soft words, such as how not easy they are, In the workplace, you have been wronged only so that you can become a talent, put everything on the child, and as a result, you do not argue, do not understand, do not work hard, etc., causing Phelps to be unable to extricate himself from various negative emotions such as fear, disgust, guilt, helplessness, self-abandonment, unwillingness, inability to help, dazedness and other negative emotions, unable to break free...
None of this happened, however. Phelps was not overly disciplined and controlled by this, and he began learning to swim under the guidance of his two older sisters, as he found that the sport allowed him to concentrate for 3 hours. Although his swimming performance was not as good as his two sisters when he was a child, his family did not give up. His dedication to learning to swim was supported by his mother, who, although his parents were divorced at that time, did not put all her "love" on her son like many divorced chinese mothers and made him unable to breathe.
Phelps was diagnosed with ADHD in the 6th grade, which made him determined to spend more time learning to swim. Swimming can let him drain the abnormally abundant energy in his body, can make him enjoy the pleasure of concentrating on doing a good job, and can make him happy. In 2003, at the age of 18, Phelps finished high school and entered the University of Michigan, where he was already a world champion at the Fukuoka World Swimming Championships, the Pan Pacific Swimming Championships, and the World Swimming Championships in Barcelona, Spain. The following year, at the Olympics in Athens, Greece, Phelps won gold medals in almost all of his events.
There are many similar examples in the United States, such as action movie star Channing Tatum, who is dyslexia. It is difficult for the average person to understand how painful it is for people with dyslexia to learn. If you try to quickly read the words in the mirror, you can feel about one or two, each word can vaguely know which word it is, but it is difficult to recognize, and it is even more difficult to connect into whole sentences. Tatum was more miserable than Phelps in his childhood, and he was placed in a special education class by the school, surrounded by Down children and autistic children. Tatum's mother insisted that the school change him back to a regular class and tried to teach him a special way to appreciate books. His mother told him to try to "make a sponge", and if you can't learn from books, try to learn from other people's experiences. In the process, Tatum discovered his acting talent. After becoming famous, Tatum said in an interview with the media that he did learn according to the methods his mother taught him.
The reason why the parents of Phelps and others did not show the control desire of Chinese parents is simple, because they firmly believed:
Children don't have to be successful to live well
If you want your child to succeed, you don't necessarily need to follow the path you envision
It is important for children to have a happy childhood
Respect for individuality is the fundamental remedy for resolving the collective anxiety of members of society and enhancing the sense of security. Western parents can do this because Western education is not committed to making children the same person, but fully respects the individual needs of different children, so that children's inner human tension can be fully released. A friend who volunteered in an American middle school told me that there was a child in the school where she worked, and she couldn't see black and white from an early age, and when she saw white paper, she felt afraid and uneasy. To this end, each exam school will specially print a pink test paper for her.
In contrast, a strong desire to control is a basic feature of Chinese relationship, not parents. China's bosses are also very controlling, and China's parent officials need not say much. Chinese only believe in man-made order, and the fear of disorder makes everyone firmly grasp their control and desperately wield the big stick. In Western societies, order is not man-made, people believe in God-made order, no matter what you do, order is there. As Trump famously said: The rest of your life is very long, why panic.
Articles come from the web.