Late one night, I was idle and bored to brush Weibo,
Suddenly curious, he clicked on his ex's Weibo,
What I saw made it hard for me to sleep...
I met my partner who was a few years older than me, but we had a great conversation and had dinner together after the end. We've been together for three months now. Although we had only recently met, the process of falling in love was particularly sweet, he always understood my feelings and opinions, and I was curious about everything he had experienced.
However, curiosity still hurt me after all, and I followed his Weibo like photo album to find his ex's Weibo. Although the Microblog about this relationship may have been deleted long ago, the traces of their lives during that time were still presented with great clarity through the patchwork of details.
Although I know that he has been in a relationship with his ex for three years and has lived together for a year, there is no real feeling, after all, they have been separated for a long time, and various social media have long deleted friends to block. But when I saw the records and photos of the rabbits they raised together on Weibo from taking them home to slowly growing up to being sick and dying, I still broke my guard.
I couldn't help but imagine if they had ever experienced a lot together, had lived together incredibly closely, had had a lot of promises about the future. And, my imagination began to spread, when the subject and I discussed going on a trip together, my first thought was: he and his ex must have gone out on a trip together, was it more intimate than we are now; when the subject carefully wrote down the tastes I liked, I couldn't help but think: Is he so considerate and gentle to his ex...
My emotions became uncontrollable, and it was painful to think about what he and his ex had gone through. I know that there is a word that precisely sums up my feelings—"jealousy," and I scratch my liver with jealousy, and I can't help but cry at the thought of it.
And, on the surface, it seems like I'm "making a fuss" over some unchangeable past, but in reality there may be many people who feel the same way as I do. This jealousy because of a partner's past love interests is called retroactive jealousy.
These partners' exes aren't actually involved or present in the current relationship, but social media "faithfully" records the ending love and constantly influences the present.
Why is the current ex so jealous?
People in relationships avoid mentioning their exs and their own sexual experiences, in large part to prevent their partner's jealousy.[1] Single-mindedness and exclusivity are the most important characteristics of romantic relationships, and the appearance of the ex has destroyed this sense of exclusivity and exclusivity.
Specifically, the reasons why the current predecessor is jealous can be summarized as three points[2]:
1. Self-perception is impaired
When you find that the ex of the object is handsome and highly educated, it may be difficult not to doubt life: how does he look at me? It turns out that ta is associated with such excellent people, will we not be all the way people at all? I'm not so good, is it worth his love?
The results of the study found that it is easy for a partner's ex to produce a social comparison, usually about academic background, job, hobbies, etc., but in addition to these, the most important comparative dimension is physical attractiveness. When a partner's ex is good looking and in good shape, we may be more likely to feel crisis and feel that we are not good enough.
2. Perceived uniqueness decreases
Originally, love is two people's you and me, talking to each other, but how do you feel when you think that your partner may have done all these sweet things with your ex?
Originally, you may attribute your partner's liking to many of your own advantages, but wouldn't you be a little sad to think that your partner has liked others like this?
The presence of a partner's ex may make us feel that the uniqueness of the current relationship has declined, or it may make us feel that the current relationship is less intimate and special.
3. Increased uncertainty
A partner's ex can cause us to have a lot of questions and speculations about the current relationship.
When we see a group photo of a partner and an ex, we can't help but question – "Are we as happy now as they were then?" Can we take such sweet pictures? "You'll wonder if the current relationship isn't good enough, not intimate enough.
"You've been through so much together, have you really put it down?"
Uncertainty may also come from questioning whether your partner actually let go of their ex.
"If the previous relationship ended sloppily, would we both be able to keep going?"
We may even lose faith in our current relationship.
How does social media exacerbate this jealousy?
If individuals are not satisfied with what they know about their partners, they may find ways to address this gap. And social media is providing a "perfect" channel to learn about your partner and a wonderful platform for jealousy to breed.
These four characteristics of social media "help" us to learn more about everything about our partner, which in turn promotes jealousy [3]:
1. Accessibility
With just a few taps, a person's past and network are presented to you.
2. Vividness
Information on social media includes not only text, but also photos, videos, audio, and links. It may not be a real feeling to know that the current person has been dating his ex for three years, but when you see a photo of the gift he once gave to his ex, you may have a hard time suppressing the jealousy in your heart.
3. Historicity
Even if you delete the circle of friends that xiu en loves in the past, Weibo and Zhihu's like records may still betray you. The Internet has clearly recorded every small footprint in your life, no matter how far away the moment, it can be vividly presented in front of you and disturb the mood of the moment.
4. Concealment
With enough care, you can turn the other person's social media upside down without the other person knowing. Even in the case that the partner does not take the initiative to tell you, you can (secretly) find the weibo trumpet of ta, the weibo of ta's predecessor, and the current weibo of ta's predecessor... The Internet gives us the opportunity to hide ourselves and satisfy our dangerous curiosity.
However, while social media satisfies the "voyeurism", it is easy to forget that it is different from the real world. People tend to pouch out the brightest, most impressive, and most emotional moments of their lives, which makes the partner's ex and their relationship look more idealistic and thus makes us feel more threatening.
Consequences of jealousy
After being jealous of the content of social media, some people choose to explore more information:
"I want to know why, how, when, and then I can forget about it." One respondent said so[2].
But in fact, when we are constantly looking for clues left by our partner's ex on social media because of unsatisfied curiosity, the information gathered may trigger greater uncertainty and jealousy. Originally, I only saw fragments of their life together, but when I knew how they were together, how many people knew about the relationship, and so on, the elements that could trigger jealousy would only increase.
Jealousy has many negative effects on a relationship[4]:
At the individual level, jealousy leads to depressed emotional states and a feeling of inferiority;
At the relationship level, jealousy can also lead to threats, surveillance, and even intimate partner violence, including accusations of verbal abuse, physical violence, forced sex, etc., and may eventually lead to a breakup.
Of course, jealousy is not useless, it gives us an opportunity to communicate openly.
Some people will adopt strategies such as active communication and sharing mobile phone passwords to cope with their own and their partner's jealousy, which can reduce distrust and improve mutual understanding to some extent.
Write to you who are jealous
Imagining past relationships and the resulting suspicion and jealousy will not only make us feel tired ourselves, but also make us ignore the sincerity of our partners. The first step to making a change is to realize that the relationship between the partner and the former took place in a past that we couldn't change.
Each of us has a past, which can be beautiful, may be unbearable, may be full of regrets, and like our own past, our partner's past also needs to be respected and let go.
What matters is not what we have done in the past, but our minds and choices now.
And, we also need to realize that we and our partner's ex are not in a "competitive" relationship. We always unconsciously compare ourselves to each other, but each relationship is unique, and the value of the individual must not be measured by the objective indicators presented on social media.
What happened in the past, let it pass.
Therefore, perhaps we should stop "collecting and verifying" on social media in time, and when curiosity expands and can't help but click on the search box, it is better to think about the relationship and lover in front of us, and think about how far away you are from the things you care about. If you really can't help it, it is also a good idea to temporarily remove the software.
Of course, when the flame of jealousy in the heart cannot be dissolved, active communication with the partner is always the best choice, but be careful not to ask too much about the details of the past, otherwise the information obtained may hurt yourself again and give the jealousy room to continue.
Finally, cherish the present moment, love is in every fleeting but eternal moment.
bibliography
[1] Anderson, M., Kunkel, A., & Dennis, M. R. (2011). “Let’s (not) talk about that”: Bridging the past sexual experiences taboo to build healthy romantic relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 48, 381–391. doi:10.1080/00224499.2010.482215
[2] Frampton, J. R., & Fox, J. (2018). Social Media’s Role in Romantic Partners’ Retroactive Jealousy: Social Comparison, Uncertainty, and Information Seeking. Social Media + Society, 4(3), 205630511880031. doi:10.1177/2056305118800317
[3] Tokunaga, R. S. (2011). Social networking site or social surveillance site? Understanding the use of interpersonal electronic surveillance in romantic relationships. Computers in Human Behavior, 27, 705–713. doi:10.1016/j/chb.2010.08.014
[4] Tandon, A., Dhir, A., & M ntym ki, M. (2021). Jealousy due to social media? A systematic literature review and framework of social media-induced jealousy. Internet Research, 31(5), 1541–1582. doi:10.1108/INTR-02-2020-0103
Author | Gollum
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