Raising children is arguably the hardest "job" in the world, but on this difficult road, there is a more bumpy and confusing stage, that is, adolescence.
As a mother, it is inevitable to tell her children to listen attentively to lectures in class every day, not to play small actions, to take notes, and to write neat handwriting on homework; pay attention to hygiene at school lunch, and drink more water after meals...
The child's feedback at this time is usually such short sentences as: "a lot of words", "long-winded", "really annoying". But the more this happens, the more the mother has to follow up with a few more words: "It's all for your own good, don't be like a wind in your ears, the left ear goes in and out of the right ear!" ”
The child silently entered the room, slammed the door shut, locked it, and let the parents get angry outside, helpless.
Is this a common scenario? This is the rebellious behavior of adolescent children.
The writer Mai Jia once said: "Adolescence is a kind of danger, it can go to heaven or earth, it can be a knife or a flower." ”
It can be seen that puberty has a great impact on children, as a parent, how to get along better with children and let children smoothly pass through puberty? In the book "Why Home Hurts People", psychologist Wu Zhihong suggests the following three points:
The first point is to look at the child's rebellion rationally, and to respect and accept it
In the book "Why Home Hurts People", psychologist Wu Zhihong believes that adolescent children have a pair of contradictory psychological conflicts: to get rid of the psychological dependence on their parents and other relatives and move towards an independent self.
When children reach adolescence, half are children and half adults, although there is an independent consciousness of adults, in essence they are not completely free from childishness.
For example, at this time, boys no longer like to listen to their parents and immerse themselves in their own world; while girls begin to care about their personal image, what clothes they wear, and what hairstyles they wear.
This pair of contradictory communities is a process of mutual game, and in this process, the child's mental development is not mature enough, the parents will still arrange the child's daily life as in the past, and the child wants to make his own decisions and try his best to get rid of the "control" of the parents.
At this time, there will be melancholy in the child's heart, which is a kind of dissatisfaction and struggle with reality, which will directly lead to the child and the parents working against each other, and the parents let them go east, they are not to the west.
This so-called "rebellion" is actually a teenager fighting for his own independent space and trying to become himself.
Understanding the above points, parents should realize that in the process of children's growth, parents should realize that children's rebellion is normal, which is an inevitable stage for children to grow and mature.
Or a certain degree of rebellious psychology is a very normal state, which is also the process of gradually exploring their hearts and understanding society, which is a normal psychological phenomenon.
And parents must not kidnap the child's rebellious morality, think that the child is disobedient is bad learning, anxiety and worry all day long, parents should accept and understand the child, and give the child enough respect and love.
Second, give your child plenty of space to be independent
When my son reached adolescence, he suddenly changed his habits and shut himself in his room and locked the door when he was at home. Sometimes it may be writing homework, or playing with mobile phones, or chatting with classmates on WeChat, which is not very clear. But when you close the door, it will show a sense of mystery, and the parent will inevitably guess what "bad things" he is doing.
Usually I want to say something to him, ask him about the school situation, how the relationship with teachers and classmates is, whether the class can be understood, and when he wants to say it, he will be particularly excited to talk to us about this and that, but sometimes he will just keep silent.
Sometimes I ask too much, just "um, um" a simple reply, and then ask, just ignore it. In the end, only the parents were left with dry eyes, and their hearts were full of anxiety and worry.
Wu Zhihong believes that adolescence is a stage of very drastic psychological changes, because he wants to try everything, today is this psychological state, tomorrow may become another look. Therefore, parents do not have to be too anxious about the abnormal behavior of their children accidentally.
When children reach adolescence, on the one hand, they try to get rid of the "control" of their parents, on the other hand, because their thinking is not mature enough, their cognition of society is not enough, they will continue to come up with new ideas, think like this today, think like that tomorrow, they will become what we see, one moment gushing, one moment silent, and even impatient with their parents, playing a little temper.
This is because the child has reached adolescence, has begun to have a sense of independence, very much hope that parents respect him as an adult, do not like the parents always want to peek at his privacy, they began to have their own little secrets, and do not plan to share with their parents.
At this time, what parents should do is to grow up with their children, try to treat their children as adults, do not always wonder what the children are doing, what they think, and give their children moderate space. In this way, when the child really encounters a problem, he will take the initiative to open his heart to his parents.
Third, dare to let children try and make mistakes
After the child enters puberty, parents have not yet made psychological adjustments in many cases, and they will measure the child according to the previous standards.
For example, it is believed that children must put their minds on learning and cannot have the slightest bad habits, such as addicting to the Internet. It is also a polite appearance in front of parents and teachers, and will not question the opinions of parents and teachers.
In fact, if the child is still very well-behaved and obedient at this time, parents should feel anxious and worried. This shows that the child is still in a state of extreme dependence on their parents, growing in age, and psychologically they must gradually adapt to the state of adulthood, and begin to learn to be independent and have their own ideas.
Psychology believes that the process of children growing up is the process of separation from their parents, and the obvious dividing line of this process begins in adolescence.
At this time, parents should conform to the child's psychological development situation, no longer take "good, good grades, obedience" as a yardstick, as long as the child's daily learning and life, there is no obvious "bad" tendency, the grades have not dropped sharply, there is no bad words and deeds, parents do not have to worry too much, maintain moderate attention, appropriate correction can be.
At the same time, respect the child's independence, try to push the child into an independent world, reduce his dependence, let him try and make mistakes, and gradually complete the separation from his parents.
Even parents can discuss with their children to strengthen emotional links. Whether the child will really go to the extreme, the focus is on whether the emotional connection with the parents is deep enough.
Qianqian's mother often counts down her daughter's not, thinking that the child is not as obedient as before, and thinks that the daughter has a tendency to "learn badly", and begins to pay attention to dressing, will there be a tendency to fall in love early.
Imagine that adolescent girls do not like to dress up, and have not yet had a minimum understanding of the opposite sex, then after she becomes an adult, she will be troubled by many things such as love and marriage, and then parents will probably be more worried.
What Qianqian's mother has to do is actually to help her child improve her aesthetic ability, gradually teach her how to get along with the opposite sex, share the experience of success and failure in the process of continuous attempts, and let the child gradually mature and become herself.
epilogue
Dr. Zhang Yijun of Psychology said: Adolescent children experience a period of physical and mental storms, especially in need of parents' understanding and help.
Raising a child is like planting a tree, a good seedling does not need to be taken care of frequently, as long as it is watered regularly and pruned and pruned
Leaves, guide him to grow in the right direction.
Adolescent children, perhaps reckless, perhaps paranoid. But because of this, they need our adult understanding, acceptance and support even more.
If parents want their children to be able to face and solve difficulties independently in the future, it is best not to treat them
Too much interference, to give them more freedom and space, parents have to learn to be the one standing behind them.
Therefore, parents first learn to let go, let the children be independent of themselves, in order to get along with adolescent children intimately, and at the same time learn to relax their hearts, tolerate, understand, communicate, and guide correctly, so that children can grow up healthy and happy.