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"Dear Child", a family ethics war with a warm name, but in fact very cruel, is it selling misery, or revealing the cruelty of reality...
The conflict in the first act was really shocking, because I saw it with my own eyes.
In the play:
During childbirth, every second of Fang Yinuo in the delivery room was a heart-rending torture, and when the daughter who gave birth to the nine deaths was pushed out of the delivery room, he did not see the love he had previously identified.
Well, at one of the few pivotal moments in this life, the husband was absent no sooner or later.
reality:
While waiting for sister Huai to be born, the delivery room ushered in an emergency mother, her belly was rolling with the naked eye, the mother's face was miserable, accompanied by an old woman.
After sending the woman into the delivery room, the old woman has been making calls, and the tone is anxious and with a hint of pleading and anger (very complicated tone, I don't know how to describe it)
The nurse's call interrupted her call: she was about to give birth, the fetus was too big, it had to be cut, and the child's father came to sign it.
The old woman answered the promise while retreating... Then the phone was made again uninterruptedly, and it never answered.
Five minutes later, a man came in tank top shorts... This is the husband of the mother.
The first sentence is "Old immortal, where to sign quickly to get!" I'm going to rush back to sleep! ”
Hurriedly signed and left, and then the old woman squatted down and cried... I cried very badly, but my voice was very low, probably because I didn't want to disturb others, nor did I want others to see my embarrassment.
Later, when two old men in my family saw him crying sadly, they went forward to comfort him, only to learn that the man was the son of an old woman, and they lived in a village behind the hospital...
"Dear Child", is it a miserable sale?
For couples living in happiness, "Dear Child" is purely a misery;
If I hadn't witnessed the above scene with my own eyes, I would never have believed that there were men in this world who were so irresponsible, and I would never believe that any woman would be willing to give birth to such an irresponsible man.
"Dear Child" is also realistic!
For that mother, for those who live in a relationship that breaks down from the birth of a child, it is a reality more real than pearls.
But why can some couples have a warmer relationship because of the arrival of children, while others are turned upside down by the arrival of children?
If we say that our husband and wife relationship is a "doomed reincarnation" for a long time, do you believe it?
"Why Home Hurts" - the chain of reincarnation of the family
"Why Does Home Hurt People", written by Mr. Wu Zhihong, a famous psychological counselor in China.
When I opened the book, the first chapter was "The relationship between husband and wife is the core of the family", and what interested me in reading was the following sentence:
"Love is a copy of the parent-child relationship. If childhood is happy, we are more likely to replicate happiness, and if childhood is painful, we are more likely to replicate suffering. ”
In fact, we all look for our partners in the form of ideal parents, with the aim of healing childhood.
If our real parents and ideal parents are highly matched, then our husband and wife relationship is likely to go to happiness--- two people who have love in their hearts and know how to love walk together, understand each other and make progress, it is not difficult;
If our actual parents and ideal parents are contrary to each other, then our husband and wife relationship is most likely a reincarnation--- repeating the relationship pattern of our parents;
In this chapter, two cases are described (if there are similarities, please take a seat):
Yue Dong and Ah Jing
Yue Dong, his father has no ability but especially loves to take him out of anger, his father died when he was 8 years old, and his mother, who was very capable at the age of 16, also went away, but Yue Dong was not too sad, his mother had a car accident on the way to meet her new boyfriend--- and after her father died, her mother kept changing boyfriends.
Such Yue Dong, his ideal mother, is able to give him warmth, security and unconditional love.
That day he met Ah Jing at the university.
Ah Jing is a very traditional girl, living in a relatively loving family, her father is ordinary can not be more ordinary, ordinary looks, ordinary ability, not very respected.
Ah Jing's ideal father is exactly a very different existence from his father: talented, handsome, respected...
The two fell in love almost at first sight--- a handsome talent, fell in love with a girl who was very ordinary.
A year later, the two separated, and yue Dong became a playboy...
Shouldn't the two be happy, as common sense? But it is not.
Just like we used to think that we and each other would always be fiercely happy.
After the two were together for a year, Yue Dong became more and more critical of Ah Jing, and he became more and more sloppy, not using his talent to mock Every flaw of Ah Jing all the time. In the end, Jing couldn't stand it and left him.
Each of his later girlfriends was more beautiful than Ah Jing, but Yue Dong hated women more and more, and he felt that "women are snobbish without exception, shameless and unscrupulous on men." ”
Why? Because Yue Dong's real mother (mother) owes him too much, he wants the ideal mother (Ah Jing) to pay off the debt; the real mother is too affectionate, and he also suspects that the ideal mother will be the same; Yue Dong vents all his anger against his mother on Ah Jing.
Like his father, the tyrant...
If you take a closer look, does your ta have similarities and opposites to your parents? It's contradictory, but it's clear.
We are all looking for the other half with the model of the ideal parent, and whether we will be happy depends on whether our ideal parents are consistent with the actual parents.
Zhang Li and Wang Jiang
Zhang Li had long identified her colleague Wang Jiang, who was three years older than her, as the image of her ideal man: steady and honest, not good at words, but very smart and capable.
When Zhang Li was 3 years old, her father cheated on his wife and abandoned his son, and his parents reunited when he was 16 years old. Zhang Li, 16, can already understand the emotional problems between men and women, so she vows to find someone who is completely different from her father.
Wang Jiang is a child from the countryside, and his childhood was hard to live in material life, but his parents loved him very much, and he also loved his parents.
At first, the two were sweet, respecting each other and caring about each other, but the next year, Zhang Li began to become sensitive, and she checked Wang Jiang's phone and email, and even his whereabouts. The two quarreled countless times.
Wang Jiang asked Zhang Li, "Are you afraid that I'm the same as your father, that's why you follow me and don't trust me?" ”
Zhang Li collapsed. Moreover, she also understood very well that the reason why everything had to be solved by noise was because she wanted to attract Wang Jiang's attention.
Wang Jiang often needs to travel to leave her alone at home, Zhang Li's mother was very busy in childhood, and often left her alone at home, if she is not noisy, her mother will not have obvious concern for her actions.
They didn't end up breaking up.
After figuring out the reason, Wang Jiang gave Zhang Li unconditional love as always, and Zhang Li no longer checked Wang Jiang's whereabouts, and tried to control herself from arguing with Wang Jiang.
Subconsciously, we all see our lovers as an opportunity to heal ourselves and cling to them.
Especially when the marriage ceremony is completed and the ideal parents return to reality, we no longer play the image of each other's ideal parents and are unwilling to give unconditional positive attention.
This is why many couples (especially wives) complain that the other person seems to have changed after marriage.
Right of choice
"Why Home Hurts", the bottom of which still follows Freud's causalism, can help us go back and find our own psychological trauma, so that we can know "why we chose such a person"
But that's about it.
In the case of Wang Jiang and Zhang Li, there is a particularly crucial point: choice.
Wang Jiang could choose to give up Zhang Li, just like Ah Jing did, but he didn't.
Zhang Li can also choose to emotionally kidnap Wang Jiang in the way of "I am hurt, I am the biggest", but she did not.
Where is Yue Dong and Ah Jing's mistake?
There's nothing wrong with them, and they don't have to blame their families of origin — as the theme of Dear Little Kids goes: Dear Little Kids, Mom and Dad want you not to cry today — no parent wants to give their kids an imperfect home.
Yue Dong and Ah Jing rubbed shoulders in "awareness" again and again, Ah Jing did not perceive why Yue Dong was like this, and Yue Dong did not perceive what Ah Jing needed. Caught in the realm of "I'm injured, I don't know, but I'm still the biggest."
This is a point that is not mentioned in "Why Home Hurts" - awareness and choice.
Reading this, I hope that you can use this book as a lesson, take "Dear Child" as a lesson, detect the "wound" of the other half around you, and then make a choice that does not go against your heart.
After all, the relationship between husband and wife is the core of the family.
About the Author:
EDU notebook (formerly a parenting note of the father), a grandfather who uses the spare time with the baby to work part-time for the operation of the public account and the headline number.