Before the state introduced the double reduction policy, I was surprised to hear that my colleague's children began to attend subject tutoring classes during kindergarten. In the English language alone, she is carried out simultaneously in accordance with the online and offline two-pronged model; there are also children who have just entered the first grade of primary school who have arranged multiple trips to the New Oriental teaching point in the next week by their colleagues, and additional tuition in Language, Mathematics and English.
……
01 Various chicken babies under anxiety
After our country's double-reduction policy landed on September 1 last year, I can't imagine that the parents of colleagues around them are more anxious, and even more and more intense - because extracurricular tutoring institutions are not allowed to teach classes on weekends, they wait for the children to run tutoring classes after school during the week. At that stage, I even planned ahead and began to spend money on hoarding classes to cope with future classes.
In addition to subjects, children also have at least one or two art interest classes.
Therefore, I heard the "grievances" of the parents of my colleagues: My old mother has a rest day, whether it is a weekend or the evening time after work, it has been on the road - either on the way to accompany the baby to class or on the way to pick up the baby home.
The nervousness of such parents about the starting line is still incredible for me to conceive two babies. I basically have a free-range attitude in my studies, but my eldest daughter's academic performance has always made me feel at ease and at ease.
And the little daughter who just started kindergarten, my attitude is to let her enjoy the most carefree and beautiful time in her life.
So I still have time to sign up for my own interest class for self-entertainment, and I basically use it to play ball during the unit lunch break, and I don't need to make up for the sleep of the baby at night.
Therefore, the anxiety of parents not being able to enroll in tutoring classes is difficult to understand. I don't think that the hoarding classes that the online disks are about to put down will be taken out one by one on a certain day and then used for the children to learn.
Just like we used to collect articles that we found useful and think that one day we would open them to see. In fact, those who have been collected for a long time have almost become obscure and forgotten snow treasures.
It is conceivable that for the former collection or hoarding, their ultimate value may be to occupy space.
02 Only by ignoring expectations can you really be yourself
I deeply remember the book "Silent Confessions", and a passage on the cover reads: We spend our whole lives to get rid of the expectations of others and find our true selves.
The eldest daughter, Lydia, is a delicate flower, a pearl in the palm of her hand, and a treasure in her heart and liver in the eyes of her parents. It is the eternal only in the mother's heart.
His father, James, was an Asian-American, and as the best graduate student in Harvard's history department, he did not stay in school after graduation, only receiving an offer from Middlewood College in a shabby town.
Because his father was an immigrant smuggled into the United States, he was discriminated against in the United States at that time. So James has had a strong sense of racial inferiority since childhood and has no friends. He hopes that his daughter is a good social master at school and has many girlfriends.
And her mother, Marilyn, a native American, likes to be different, loves physical chemistry like a boy, and has excellent grades, dreaming of becoming a doctor in the future. Unfortunately, it was only one step away, because of the encounter with his father, love and early pregnancy, he had to marry and have children, thus ending harvard university life.
Later, after the birth of her eldest daughter, Lydia, who inherited her mother's blue eyes, Marilyn pinned her unfulfilled dream of becoming a doctor on her eldest daughter.
In her early childhood, Lydia left her to buy stethoscopic toys to edify and nurture her future dream of becoming a doctor.
It seems that Marilyn usually thinks that she respects her daughter's wishes and ideals, so she buys a variety of medical books that her daughter "likes" and pays attention to Lydia's academic performance and status.
But in fact, in order to cater to her father, Lydia often pretended to talk to her classmates on the phone at home, and a person talked to herself into the handset.
And Lydia studied hard to cater to her mother, but in the end, because of lack of interest, her grades in physics and other subjects became worse and worse, and she had to weave a lie that her school grades were excellent to deal with her mother.
Parents take it for granted that they are satisfied and pleased with their daughter's "excellent performance", but they do not know that all this is an illusion.
Finally, one day, Lydia felt overwhelmed and unable to meet her parents' demands, so she sneaked out of the house late at night and committed suicide.
However, at that time, Lydia's parents were still in the dark, not knowing how to reflect on their daughter's increasingly abnormal daily life. They did not believe that their daughter had committed suicide, and painfully and indignantly identified it as murder.
This tragic story tells us that as parents, as long as we rationally and seriously reflect on ourselves, we can feel the change in our daughter's behavior and inner pain.
It is precisely because the influence of the original family on a person is deeply rooted. Because in this family, our behavior habits and values are affected and formed.
Once a child has a problem, parents should first consider whether there is a problem with their parenting style, and only through education, so that children understand that they ignore the expectations of others, they can learn to grow.
03 Don't hurt your child in the name of love
In the book "Why Home Hurts", it is said that parents must not destroy their children's feelings in the name of love.
The psychological explanation is that the arranged doting parents not only deprive their children of the opportunity to explore themselves, but in fact they often turn a blind eye to their children's true feelings.
They are also accustomed to projecting their feelings onto the child, but they think that it is the child's true feelings.
But by doing so, they can cause the child to feel seriously distrustful of himself. So that they will not know themselves from themselves, but look for answers from other people's definitions of themselves. As a result, they lost themselves.
Just like little Lydia when she was just born, not only carrying her mother, but also her father's expectations, these two mountains made her unable to find her true feelings since she was a child, but the more she grew up, she became more and more unhappy, and finally ended this painful feeling of loss by suicide.
Lucky people are healed by childhood all their lives, and unfortunate people are cured of childhood all their lives.
Sadly, both parents James and Marilyn had shadows over their childhoods, projecting their childhood misfortunes on their beloved daughter, Lydia. But this kind of arranged coddling led to Lydia's childhood also being unhappy.
The value of life lies in choice. But parents often forget this, they don't let their children make choices, they always can't help but make choices for their children.
So Lydia, because her parents do everything for her, this act of killing the child's life eventually leads to her tragedy. On the other hand, Lydia's brother Ness, he was a child who was ignored by his parents since childhood, but because of his parents' letting go, he became himself, so his vitality was unbridled.
Even though Ness encountered setbacks at home and even at school, those setbacks, along with his hobbies, made him feel that his life was colorful.
What's more, in contrast to the parent-pleasing Lydia, these feelings are real and are Ness's own.
Therefore, home will really hurt people, and it will also make people. Everyone, parents and children, can only cure all anxiety and loss by being themselves.