"Child, I ask you to study hard, not because I want you to compare grades with others, but because I hope that in the future you will have the right to choose, choose meaningful, time-consuming work, rather than being forced to make a living." When your work has meaning in your heart, you have a sense of accomplishment. When your work gives you time and doesn't deprive you of your life, you have dignity. A sense of accomplishment and dignity will give you joy! ”
This is a message written by Long Yingtai to his son Andrei in "Dear Andrei".
Many parents regard this as their hope for their children. I also hope that my children will study hard and have a better future.
It's just that sometimes things backfire, and some parents are not as gentle and firm as Long Yingtai on the road of spurring their children to learn, but they are roaring all the way.
There is a well-known passage that is the reflection of anxious parents at present: motherly filial piety without tutoring homework; when writing homework, chickens fly and dogs jump.
This is indeed a true portrayal of the relationship patterns between many parents and children today. Even more tragically, a young mother in her thirties was admitted to the hospital in a heart attack while tutoring her baby with her homework.
Why do parents want chicken babies
So why should parents bother with chicken babies? Tell a story about the people around me.
When a colleague was still in high school, because her academic performance was not satisfactory, her parents thought that there was no hope of entering the university, so they arranged for her to abandon her studies and join the army. After retiring from the army, transfer to our unit.
She said that when she was a child, she was often beaten by her parents, and she was almost always taken by a belt as soon as the test results came out. Now the colleague is married and has children, and his son is in the second grade of elementary school. She was in a very haggard state every day, saying that she would accompany her children to do their homework at night until eleven or twelve.
He often complains that the child is too abrasive and sneaks up on playing without staring. So two people sometimes single their children, and sometimes they have to play mixed doubles as husband and wife.
As we all know, the Ministry of Education stipulates that there is no written homework in the first and second grades of primary school.
But from the first grade onwards, the colleague made a daily learning plan for the children: oral arithmetic, reading, practicing calligraphy, memorizing Tang poems, reading English, playing Go, and scientific experiments.
It sounds like the kids are tireder after school than they were for the day at work.
I asked her if the child had time to play? Colleagues say that as long as the child completes these things, it is his own time.
My colleague also said that I had not gone to college, and I must let my son go to a good university. Now I have to develop a good study habit for my child.
Probably a bystander. It is conceivable that the child continues to follow this rhythm, not only does there is no time to play, but the young body and mind may also be overwhelmed.
At the same time, now we also know the good intentions of this colleague: he has a regret of not going to college, so he projects his wishes on his children to complete it, which is probably why parents always want chicken babies.
But in fact, many parents do not know that chicken babies do not make their children successful. As everyone knows, a child is an independent individual from birth. Parents are parents and children are children. What we have to do is to make ourselves "our own people".
Wu Zhihong gave a lecture on the theme of "Parents Are Not Children's Answers" in "Why Family Hurts", the core idea of which is that parents should not try to play the child's decision-maker, but should give their children the freedom to explore independently, so that even young children are also a person who becomes themselves.
Looking back at her colleague's experience as a child, her parents in the original family used to treat her cruelly - beat her, and many years later she also learned to be cruel - beat her son.
Psychology believes that most children who grow up with sticks and sticks will still have a strong, intractable hatred in their hearts when they become adults, no matter how much they want to break with this relationship model.
Therefore, I am afraid that the first generation will not wake up and pass it on from generation to generation. It is a kind of harm to yourself, your home and your country.
Transfer the effects of stress on children
Many times parents continue to chicken, in fact, they transfer their own pressure to their children.
Just like my colleague, she often prints some test questions and teaching materials for children in the unit that they do not know where to collect. After work, we talk about the baby, and the things we do are also related to the baby's learning itself. It can be seen that her enthusiasm is sprinkled on the children's reading and learning.
Some time ago, the group company recruited internally, and a construction unit directly under it needed a legal adviser position. A lawyer's certificate is a prerequisite for the examination. Talent in this area is relatively scarce in the subordinate units of the entire group company, so the age is relaxed to less than 45 years old.
A colleague in our unit who happened to be 45 years old had the privilege of taking the recruitment exam. After hearing about this, Ji Wa's colleague blurted out: "It seems that it is still beneficial to obtain more certificates, and it may be used one day." In the future, I will definitely ask my son to study more! ”
It seems that colleagues are "planning" for their sons all the time, but this kind of "goodness" for children is nothing more than the transfer of regrets in their hearts. Or what she didn't get, I hope my son will finish it for her.
The reality is often that too much force will make the child stress a lot, and the result is counterproductive.
The right person first corrects himself, and the same is true for child-rearing
In the book "Why Home Hurts People", the topic of self-growth says that many parents are actually shaping their children according to their ideal self, but if their actual self and ideal self are too far apart, the child is prone to strong rebellion when he grows up, because he will find that parents are actually saying one set and doing one set.
More importantly, if parents themselves are growing, they are less likely to develop fears and excessive anxiety about adapting to society. And, if they pay more attention to their own growth, they will not interfere with the growth of their children.
Just like in the book "Silent Confession", daughter Lydia has been studying hard since she was a child in order to meet her mother's ideals and wishes, and finally her young mind is overwhelmed, and she chooses to commit suicide by throwing herself into the lake during the flower season at the age of sixteen.
There is also a regrettable news that broke out on the Internet some time ago: Zhang Yide, who scored a full score on the TOEFL test and was admitted to Emory University, known as the "Harvard in the South of the United States", died suddenly in the United States on March 5. Based on clues, the police judged that he committed suicide with depression.
Tracing back to his single-born family, Dad was a well-known parenting blogger in Guangzhou, and when he was very young, he resigned from his senior position to full-time parenting. All his energy and lifelong hopes were pinned on Yide.
However, the pressure of high hopes is ultimately a weight that children cannot bear. Who's to say, "Once someone else's child"—is it too much to be overwhelmed?
So it's time for anxious parents to reflect: Whose psychological needs are you considering? Who is the one who is anxious?
At least we need to realize that we can't parasitize our own selves on our children. It is better to be a chicken itself, from now on, strive to change the lackluster status quo, and pursue the lifelong growth of the self.