Home is the harbor, love is the way back.
Life is a journey, and no matter where we drift, we will eventually return to that warm place - home. Home is our haven, a signpost to guide us forward, and a beacon to illuminate us towards dawn.
However, in real life, warm harbors sometimes bring us the deepest harm.
Why does home hurt?
The well-known psychologist Wu Zhihong told us the answer in his book "Why Home Hurts", and also let us understand the misunderstandings of parents in educating their children.
1, parents decide everything about their children
A common problem of Chinese-style family relationships is that there is no sense of boundaries. "I am your mother, and you must listen to me in everything; I do this for your own good; you study hard and don't care about anything; you have to listen to us." Such preaching abounds in every household.
However, blind giving without a sense of boundaries is not love, but harm.
The story of prodigy Wei Yongkang is regrettable. He did have a good mother, but this good mother made it impossible for him to live a normal life.
Wei Yongkang's mother is a factory worker, because her studies are not high, she put all her hopes on her son, wanting to make him stand out.
Under the careful teaching of his mother, Wei Yongkang knew more than 1,000 Chinese characters at the age of 2 and completed the basic courses of junior high school at the age of 4.
Such a highly talented child, learning to skip the grade, went to high school at the age of 8, and was admitted to Xiangtan University at the age of 13, which is a national key university.
In addition to Wei Yongkang's own talent, his mother can also contribute to the university at the age of 13. In order to let the children study well, she took care of all the housework, washed and cooked for her son, washed his face and bathed, and all of these things were done for her. All in all, Wei Yongkang only needed to study, and everything else could be ignored.
After Wei Yongkang went to college, his mother also went to school to accompany and take care of him for 4 years.
The 17-year-old Wei Yongkang graduated from university and was admitted to the Master's and Doctoral Studies of the Institute of High Energy Physics of the Chinese Academy of Sciences with the second place.
This time, Wei Yongkang decided not to let his mother continue to study, and he wanted to go to Beijing to study on his own. Wei Yongkang, who left his mother's care, did not even have the basic ability to take care of himself, and the problems in life made him unable to study with peace of mind.
Moreover, the long-term closure made Wei Yongkang not even basic social, unable to communicate with his tutors in learning, and his academic performance was not good, and one discipline even scored 0 points.
At the age of 20, due to Wei Yongkang's life and study, he was dissuaded by the Chinese Academy of Sciences.
After Wei Yongkang was expelled from school and returned home, his mother began to reflect on her own way of education, realizing that the way she had treated Wei Yongkang over the years was wrong.
True parental love is the love that makes children happy, and it is by no means a long-term control and possession.
As gibran says in a poem: "He is your child, but he does not belong to you." ”
2, parents transfer anxiety to their children
The rapid development of the times has made adults feel anxious. However, many parents do not solve anxiety and solve problems through their own growth, but they put too much hope on their children, hoping that their children can study hard, soar to the future, and then glorify their ancestors. As a result of this, the child is under a lot of pressure.
The author shares a sad story in "Why Home Hurts". Elementary school student Xiao Gang jumped off a building and committed suicide. He left a suicide note and said, "Mom and Dad, I feel that no matter how hard I try, I can't meet your expectations, and I'm tired." I have disappointed you, and I have no choice but to die in order not to disappoint you. ”
Before committing suicide, he smashed his piggy bank and left the money inside to his parents. He said that after he left, Mom and Dad would be able to work less hard. He wanted his mom and dad to take the money he had left behind to play and have a good time.
How much the child loves his parents, even if he wants to commit suicide, the thought is to make the parents not so tired. However, as a parent, adults do not consider the psychological needs of children at all, but only start from their own psychological needs to design a good life for children.
They are meant to love their children, to give them a good future, but in the end they develop into a cage that binds them. Parents parasitize themselves to their children.
When we learn about pregnancy, we just hope that the child is not a freak and that it is normal. After birth, we hope that the child is not sick and painless, and that the health is good. Watching him grow up, we just want him to be carefree and happy.
After entering kindergarten, parents began to compare their children, hoping that their children would be smarter and smarter than others' children. Since then, it has been out of control, elementary school, junior high school, high school, college, every step of the hope that the child is better than other people's families.
However, our children never ask their parents for anything, nor do they compare their shortcomings with other parents, and children love us more than we think.
Home is the harbor, love is the way back, we don't let the child can't find the way home. Change, start now!