Three major skills to learn to communicate effectively with men

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Solve the difficult problems of relationship between partners

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Clients ask for help:

My husband and I have been married for almost ten years, and on the outside, we are doing well, with two children, a house and a car.

He is an executive in a company, I also have my own job, take my children on vacation when I take a break, and there is not much quarrel in life, which is a very envied one.

However, I am really unhappy.

When I first married my husband, he was much more mature than I was, and I was obsessed with his thoughts, dependent on him everywhere, and sheltered from the wind and rain under his wings. But, many years later, I found that I had lost myself...

I was a very independent woman on the outside, but at home, especially in front of him, I became depressed and afraid to express myself.

Even if he expresses his own ideas, he will deny or directly ignore them. It feels like he never paid attention to my opinion, and he is in charge of almost everything in the family.

After a long time, I feel that my husband and I are two people who live together, we have no longer the previous intimacy, the chat between the hearts is getting less and less, and the two people are getting strangers.

However, I did not dare to tell him this feeling, and I did not know how to say it. I'm afraid he thinks I'm "looking for something, idle, flirtatious" or something.

I don't know why we became what we are now, but it feels like it's almost over. What am I going to do?

——AMY

If the marriage is really unhappy and unwilling to live on, it can be divorced. You don't have no choice, it just depends on whether you need to choose this way and whether you have the courage to do so.

There will be more than three options for everything, at least you can now:

Do not change, continue to live your present life;

Try to change yourself, learn to express, tell your husband how you feel, and see if the relationship is likely to change;

Really disappointed in the marriage, unable to save, choose divorce;

If you're not going to change, just seeking outreach and comfort, then change won't actually happen.

When your life is more painful than hard, you will definitely find a way to change it yourself. And if you are still just hard, just like a person standing in the water, even if there are nostrils on the surface of the water to breathe, he will not have the motivation to swim to the shore urgently.

Under pressure, the way people choose to cope is familiar with themselves rather than the most correct, and it is the same for you.

You're used to your husband sheltering you from the wind and rain, he's your backbone, it's a habit. Maybe in your 20s, you're used to being a little girl and enjoying that life.

But in your 30s, you are self-aware, you feel that you can't live without "self" like this, you want to be a woman, this is a kind of growth.

Tossing and turning due to emotional problems

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Two people in a marriage are changeable, but they are not necessarily synchronized, and most of them lack correct and timely communication, which is also the cause of many problems.

So, the question now is, are you sure you want to change? Are you sure you understand what you want in a marriage?

The so-called intimacy is not a simple two words.

Intimacy is first of all to be intimate with yourself and to understand what you really want. Then, it's two people who can take risks, who can be open, who can express themselves in front of the other person, who understand each other. How open you are determines how much intimacy you can get.

So, if you want to be intimate and want to "stand up" in front of your husband, then you have to take risks and have the ability to take the consequences for taking risks.

You also said that there are good things in your marriage that others envy. Marriage is like "buying a box lunch", this is a package purchase, there is always a "dish" that you don't like not to eat, you can't just pick what you like to eat, and throw away all the things you don't love.

If, after you consider it, you intend to continue to be a "little girl" instead of a "woman", then this is also your choice and responsible for yourself. It's your own business, it has nothing to do with your husband.

So, how do you choose to "stand up"?

1. Learn to express your feelings.

Expressing myself does not require the approval of the other party, nor does it need to deny and blame the other party, the key core lies in my feelings and needs.

It may not be easy for you to do this, because your husband is always denying you, but you must know that he is only denying your point of view, not you as a person.

In doing this expression of consistency, we need to learn to accept the limitations of ourselves and others. That is, I express what I can't do, and at the same time accept that the other person can't do it.

2. Learn to be responsible for your expectations.

In marriage, as long as you have a desire to fulfill in others, it will be painful, because there will always be times when it cannot be achieved.

Understand that we do not live in this world for the expectations of others, and others do not live in this world for our expectations. You are you and I am me, with boundaries for each other; if by chance we find each other, it is already beautiful.

3. Enhance self-worth and gradually learn to be independent.

Independence in marriage includes three aspects: emotional independence, economic independence, and personality independence, which are indispensable to be independent from the relationship of dependence. The root of these three separates is whether self-security is enough. Can you trust yourself enough to protect yourself and give yourself happiness?

Remember that a person's true marriage is to marry first with one's own inner beings.

Tossing and turning due to emotional problems

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