"Your father has been bad to me all his life, I also recognize, I just think that the child will be good to me when he grows up, and as a result, my son will do the same to me, and what I do, he is not satisfied!" What hope do you say I have in this life? "During this time, my mother-in-law said such things to me from time to time!
I especially understand the pain in the heart of the elderly, she can't work at this age, and she can't pay much for her family, what she is most afraid of is being picky, feeling that she can't do anything, like a person who eats idle food! So, when she feels disrespected and free, she herself becomes cautious.
On this issue, I actually discussed this issue with Mr. Liu several times, and I repeatedly said to him: "Your parents and my father have worked hard all their lives, and now that they are old, we don't say let them enjoy the glory and wealth, but we at least talk and do things to make them feel comfortable, can't share the pain of their bodies, at least make them feel better!" ”
Mr. Liu especially agreed with my statement, and promised to be good every time! But every time I have a fucking problem, I almost uncontrollably explode my temper! Sometimes, I can't look at it, and even I think he's picking on the fuck!
For example, the mother-in-law wants to dig wild vegetables, but Mr. Liu always feels that the wild vegetables may have been medicated, and let the family be full of mud, he tried his best to prevent the mother-in-law from digging wild vegetables!
However, no matter how much he stops his mother-in-law, her mother-in-law will secretly dig up wild vegetables! When Mr. Liu found out, he naturally lost his temper and told his mother-in-law.
Another example is cooking. My mother-in-law saw that I couldn't get out of my body every day with my children, and I always couldn't help but cook rice or boil porridge. But it is such a trivial thing, but contradictions between them will break out from time to time.
Mr. Liu always asks his mother-in-law to put more rice and cook more rice, even if he dumps some of it, it is nothing, but his mother-in-law always cooks enough! One always likes to say, the other always does not listen, Mr. Liu feels that he can't eat enough to be wronged, the mother-in-law feels that he can't finish eating, it's a pity, it's a waste!
After the quarrel, the mother-in-law could only wipe her tears secretly, and then complained to me from time to time, and said: "He is so picky about me, you see he is not picky about you, you will not quarrel." ”
Every time I see my mother-in-law with red eyes, I can only sigh deeply: any relationship is what cause, what fruit, especially the parent-child relationship, how you treat him, how he will treat you when he grows up. As the analogy in The Truth about Cause and Effect goes: The law of cause and effect is like you throwing a ball, and no matter which angle you throw it from, the result will bounce back to you.
The husband's pickiness about her mother-in-law and always want her to act according to her own ideas actually stems from the way she got along when she was a child. My mother-in-law is particularly controlling, even when we are married, she still always imposes her own ideas on others, and I have had conflicts with her because of children, and this is mostly for this reason. This is true for daughters-in-law, and even more so for sons and daughters.
The second sister once wanted to believe in Christianity, and her mother-in-law did not want her to believe in Christianity. In order to achieve this goal, they even made trouble to the point where mother and daughter broke off their relationship.
She was also particularly picky, and no matter what others did, no matter what others did, she was always dissatisfied. Take the matter of buying clothes, when you buy her clothes back, they are either inappropriate here or there.
Regarding her pickiness, I finally summarize a sentence: a person is always picky about others, in fact, not picking on others, but picking on themselves.
Although she has changed a lot now, the cause of those years has always been there. Therefore, I especially understand my husband, although he is over forty years old, but the wound of not being respected and being picked up when he was a child has always been hidden in his heart. Although he didn't want to, and he regretted his guilt after each argument, he just couldn't control his behavior.
A child's social way initially comes from the parents and develops in a spiral. That is to say, how his parents treated him from an early age, how he treated his parents when he grew up, and even how he treated other people. This approach is even ingrained, and no matter how old he is, the "stereotypes" in psychology determine that he has been repeating the social patterns of his childhood. It was like a cage that had been holding him captive, and although he had struggled all the time, it was difficult to break free of the invisible cage. In his words, he has been asking his mother-in-law to cook more, I don't know how many times she has said it, but she just doesn't listen.
I also told him, "She's so old, you can't change her, you can only change yourself." "But the words are not painful or itchy, still from time to time because of this matter and conflict, the husband still can not change himself, can not get growth."
However, husband and wife are another practice. Childhood injuries will be reflected in the couple's body. After many people leave their parents, they project their inner wounds and needs onto the other half, resulting in many conflicts between husband and wife, but many people have been healed here in the other half.
That night, I was also angry because of the cooking matter! My mother-in-law first asked me if I wanted to eat the chicken soup noodles in the morning, and I also felt that it was wasteful, so I said to eat, don't waste! However, when it was time to eat, I remembered that I put a lot of peppers in the morning, and it was easy for me to make the second treasure on fire when I ate the peppers! So, I decided not to eat noodles, and the porridge boiled less!
Mr. Liu turned on his nagging mode again, as soon as I repeatedly said that it was my fault, no matter what happened to his mother-in-law, Mr. Liu still did not forgive!
That night, I got angry and ignored him after drinking the porridge. Because of the mixing, the next morning I did not cook, ate bread, drank milk and took Erbao out.
When I got home at noon, I wanted to talk to him about it, but as soon as I talked about it, he lost his temper and said that he would make his own food in the future. As soon as I saw that this was to enter his parents' mode of getting along early, I didn't say anything, didn't cook at noon, and ran outside to eat by myself!
After eating home, Mr. Liu, who had been hungry for a day, may be envious and jealous, and yin and yang asked me what I ate, and I replied: "You care what I eat!" ”
Mr. Liu was completely enraged, ran to the market that afternoon to buy two pounds of meat and came back, wrapped his own dumplings and wontons, cooked rice, and fried a dish!
Before going to bed that night, we talked for a while, and he said, "People are in pain, never want to change others, do it yourself!" ”
I smiled and said, "This is the attitude of an adult, asking others to change, why can't we change ourselves." Change yourself and you grow. Regarding the matter of cooking rice, on the one hand, you can cook the rice in advance to avoid such problems; on the other hand, even if she cooks less, you can also order noodles or spread a cake, can't you make up for it? Why blame her over and over again and ask her to change! And most of the time I cook, she only cooks occasionally, why can't you tolerate it! I feel very content, like her age, don't say how much to do for us, to be able to take care of ourselves is to reduce our burden. ”
That experience finally made Mr. Liu grow, and from that day on, Mr. Liu not only did not nag his mother, but also became an activist whether it was cooking or eating!
Later, I talked to my mother-in-law about this matter, and my mother-in-law said: "I see that he died of pain after not eating for a day, and I wanted to cook for him, but I was afraid that he would be angry!" ”
I smiled and said, "The biggest difference between me and you is that I can be fierce when I should be fierce, and a big man can still starve himself to death?" One day of hunger will know how to be content! This is the inevitable experience of his growth, he figured it out, and naturally grew! ”
During this time, the true state of Mr. Liu and his mother-in-law was finally broken! It's also a big step in his growth!
At the end of the book, I also want to tell all parents that we are now trying to learn and grow, to love our children with the right love, and the children can love us correctly in the future.
What kind of childhood we give our children, children give us what kind of old age!
Long Chunhua, parent-child writer, founder of Long Chunhua Parent-Child Practice Classroom, second-child mother, author of more than ten works such as "Raising Boys, Mothers Have a Way", "Children, You Are the Best Of Yourself", "Infant Behavior Psychology" and so on.