Keywords: How to break the idea of "if you are not happy, you will not get married"?
Q: I live in a first-tier city, 37 years old, unmarried, and now I have 2 aspects of confusion:
1, about marriage, I have not been in a hurry to fall in love and get married for so many years, because I think life is very hard, so I hope that I can be happy.
Because I feel that if I am not happy myself, I may be more unhappy when I get married with another person, and I don't want to bring another life into this world.
But I kind of want to break that thinking right now, and still want to be able to get married. So I want to ask the teacher how to solve this problem?
2) Regarding career, I don't know what kind of thing I am suitable for?
I'm a corporate employee now, and my parents thought I was a good teacher, but I didn't really want to be a teacher.
At first, I thought that being a teacher might be living the same life all year round.
But recently I feel that I don't want to be a teacher, probably because I have a deeper understanding of myself: I feel that every life is alive, and as a teacher, I need to be responsible for them, but I may not have confidence and preparation in this regard.
As for others, for example, I had thought about being a counselor before, but then I felt that I might not be tolerant enough, many things I could not accept, and I would give myself a lot of negative emotions, so I gave up.
Why am I so interested in studying psychology?
Because I've also done dozens of psychological counseling sessions. The first time I did counseling was when I was in school. There was a lot of pressure in school, and I felt that after talking to a counselor, I would feel that my anxiety would be alleviated, so I thought it was very useful.
I've also done counseling in recent years. I have a lot of things in my heart that I want to talk to, I want to find someone to see, or I have some doubts that I want to discuss with people, and I think that in essence, I may have a curiosity about understanding others.
Cold Love Reply:
For the above mentions, we will break down into two chapters in detail:
First, the doubts of marriage.
Before formally entering the analysis, I would like to popularize the science: psychological counseling in the traditional sense is mainly divided into four major schools: psychoanalysis, cognitive behavior, humanism, and marriage and family therapy.
Traditional counseling doesn't provide any answers, it only provides life intelligence, it only provides the ultimate antidote, it doesn't directly tell you questions such as "how to buy a house in Shanghai".
After more than 10,000 topics, we developed the original theory [mission psychology], because we see that contemporary people have three needs at the same time: to survive, to live well, and to live to understand.
1) In the first dimension of life, survival, the need for people is to survive.
Let yourself survive first and seek safety. This is the main work we do on our Journey to Wealth Creation.
But because the heroine's two questions about marriage and career are mainly about living well and living clearly, I will not describe the part that survives this time.
2) In the second dimension of life, during the life period, the need for people is to live well.
How to live well? Just as a thousand readers have a thousand Hamlets, the standard of living well is not the only one.
Although life requires a set of reference answers, it is not necessarily the standard answer, the only answer.
What are the reference answers provided in our Journey to Love? It is possible not to marry or not to have children, and everyone has the right to pursue the life they want.
Why do some people have pain when they fall in love? Because not everyone can handle the relationship well.
In Journey to Love, we have a whole set of antidotes to relationships —relationships with ourselves, relationships with partners, relationships with parents, relationships with children, relationships with the inner world, and relationships with the external world.
This whole set of antidotes is magnified in circles and circles, like the annual rings of a tree.
Taking the above-mentioned heroine as an example, she mentioned a question: "I seem to have talked about love several times, and I feel that I am bitter and happy, how can I change my mind?" But "finding happiness in love or even marriage" is actually a false expectation.
Because the system of love and marriage does not have the function of making people happy. We can't find the right answer in the wrong direction.
To use an analogy, taking a taxi after work feels that the chair has no massage function and does not make the waist comfortable, so it is dissatisfied with the taxi driver. But the function of the taxi driver is to take you from the place of departure to the destination and is not responsible for making you happy.
Love and marriage are like this taxi, allowing you to go from being single to having children, buying a house together, etc., and building the function of survival and reproduction.
The traditional institution of marriage for property, survival and reproduction is the standard of socialization and popularization.
What is a standard? Anyone who goes to the Civil Affairs Bureau to get a permit is the same card, and there is a difference in name.
The institution of marriage was originally designed to solve the problems of survival and reproduction for most people, and to make this era largely more stable through monogamy.
Seeing this, some people may ask: "Can't it be for love?" ”
I'm not saying you can't love, like the taxi metaphor above, it's okay to have to take a taxi with a massage function today, it's just a matter of paying a higher price.
So, getting married can be for love, but know that love is like the taxi metaphor I just said, and massage is an added feature.
What brings love?
We once said in "The Journey to Love": Love is brought about by good relationships, and love is the product of relationships. A person can only learn to love in a relationship, just as we can only learn to swim in the water.
So, why is the heroine of the above case bittersweet and less happy when she falls in love? Because she hadn't experienced a really good relationship.
After an equal exchange in the open, fair, and just partner value trading market for survival and reproduction, the result of most blind dates is that no one should suffer losses, but no one should think about who to earn.
3) In the third dimension of life, during life, people's needs are to live and understand.
When experiencing the suffering of all beings, people want to live to understand and live meaning.
Just like the above-mentioned case heroine, she feels that she is not in a hurry to fall in love, feels that she has not found a way to be happy, does not want to bring another life to this world, and does not want to team up with another person, and feels that talking about a few short loves is also bitter and happy.
She is actually very wise, and she implies the seeds of enlightenment. Because I have experienced the suffering of all sentient beings, of course I don't want to bring a random person to suffer.
So, she actually has a natural urge to be enlightened—"How can we find a way to be completely free from these sufferings?" ”
We call this approach "Unity Wisdom."
What is unity wisdom? In short, it is to let go of dualistic opposites. Most of the suffering in our lives comes from dualistic opposition.
The reason why many people call the experience of falling in love bitter may be because the other party did not do what she thought, or the other party did not give her the expected experience.
For example, on Valentine's Day, she was covered with flower petals, a real estate deed with her name written on it, and a public romantic courtship on a high-rise building.
These few examples are a bit of an exaggeration, but this is the pain that most people feel in love – "he doesn't seem to spoil me so much anymore", "he doesn't let me go that much anymore", "he's not so romantic".
Because the other party did not do what they expected, they thought that the other party did not love themselves enough.
Most people feel bitterness in love, and it comes from these expectations.
And what is expected is itself a binary opposition, that is, the belief that one thing is right and the other is wrong. The subject that generates this expectation is called the "ego."
In the wisdom of life there are "small me" and "big me." Only by smashing the "small self," letting go of attachment, and crushing expectations can we observe the true "big self" and feel true joy in life.
In order to give you a better understanding, let's explore this part in depth:
A. Strive first, and then pursue the wisdom of unity.
All "enlightenment," "nothingness," "no-self," and "greater self" are recommended to be done after self-realization is completed.
Now young people are most likely to fall into this dilemma: before they went to primary school, they were discussing whether to go to Tsinghua university or Peking University. Does such a discussion make sense? I have to take the middle school exam first!
Thinking about meaning without a very solid practice can lead people astray.
Because all the practice is delusional thoughts, all of them are the greater manifestations of the "little self" in the mind, and I don't know how to make my heart pure. Only in the course of continuous practice can one see that thoughts are actually all delusions.
I'm not going to talk about anything too advanced today, I mean: We have to go from nothing to something, and then from something to a combination. It doesn't make sense to start a relationship and say "I don't need a relationship today" before you start a relationship.
Therefore, the key is to struggle first, and then think about enlightenment after self-realization.
B. The "ego" is like an umbrella, and we must have the ability to manage relationships.
When we talk about Chinese studies and Eastern wisdom, we are talking about enlightenment and unity, which is the "big self." And the "little me" is like an umbrella. There are many things in this world, just as there are many rainy days in this world.
A powerful "ego", a "small self" with relationship handling ability, can help us deal with all aspects of the world.
For example, I also need an "umbrella" when I go out today, that is, a powerful "little me", to face people and things in this world, and I also need to consider food, clothing, shelter, and transportation, and I need to face things after returning home.
Even if I become enlightened today, I will still have to pay for my parents' living expenses. Since I was born in this world, I always want my parents to live well.
Briefly recapitulate the above:
What does it mean to survive? That is, to find a boy who is willing to team up with you.
What is living well? That is, two people form a good relationship.
What is living understanding? That is, one day it will be discovered that "I" is "you" and "you" is "I", a kind of fulfillment, an experience, a kind of hermaphroditism that is destined for each other; transcending duality, transcending right and wrong, and reaching the eternal infinity; a kind of unity existence that has neither time nor space.
Arrive at such a "present" state and you will find that all problems are no longer problems.
Second, the issue of career development.
Career development is a matter of life in the second dimension of our original theory [Mission Psychology].
What is the second dimension problem? It's about how to live well, which is actually the self-realization of the "ego": how to become an accomplished person?
In the whole process of the realization of the "small self", we have some important methodologies, such as: solving the hukou problem in the city, improving one's skills, and learning a professional attitude.
Because there are rules for getting along with the "ego", when life is upgraded from the first dimension of survival to the second dimension of life, it is necessary to have a clear understanding of the social structure of the second dimension. But many people lack awareness of this aspect.
If a person only sees his own needs in the relationship with others, and cannot see the needs of others, he often cannot survive.
For example, dissatisfaction with the lover, dissatisfaction with the boss, dissatisfaction with the profession, these are the feelings of the "small self", which just shows that we are still in the stage of survival.
But if you want to be an accomplished person, you must learn the rules of this world.
This rule is a kind of invisible knowledge that often textbooks won't teach you. Because textbooks only teach "you have to work hard", "you have to struggle", etc., but it will not tell you what the rules of the relationship between people and people are.
Many people often ask "what is happiness". There is happiness in the second dimension of life, but this happiness is conditional happiness, that is, you can meet the needs of the other party, the other party can also meet your needs, and the two sides reach a kind of transactional balance.
If you give in the relationship and the other person rewards a kind of reward, you can get happiness in the second dimension.
Therefore, in the second dimension, to re-understand our relationship with the world, we cannot pursue "no-self." Because when there is no self, you can't see yourself and you can't see others.
Therefore, when a person becomes an independent, responsible individual and is able to meet the needs of more people, he can receive money and relationships in society.
So, the question of occupation is just a phenomenon. As the question in the above case asks, "What is the right profession for you?" "There is no profession that suits you, only an attitude towards your profession.
Committing to doing something for others, and then fulfilling the promise, will naturally have a professional gain.
summary:
Workplace problems and relationship problems are essentially the same. That is, how to get out of the narrow cognition of the individual "small self", to understand the world and create value for the world.
When you can serve and be valuable to others, they will definitely give you back.
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