Children's psychological growth is divided into three important stages, namely the monistic relationship stage, the binary relationship stage, that is, the symbiotic stage, and the pluralistic relationship stage.
We always emphasize the parents' response to the needs of their children. Because the response of parents is not only the basis for promoting the psychological development of children, but also affects the establishment of children's sense of security.
Today we will talk in detail about the process of building a child's sense of security.
Let me tell you a true story, there is a famous psychologist who once stepped on a thunder in the matter of parenting, or a thunderclap! Who is this person? He was the behaviorist psychologist John Watson.
Watson once put forward such a point of view: parents should train and shape their children as machines, treat them like adults, try not to kiss and hug children, do not let children sit on their mother's laps, do not easily satisfy children, even if the children cry, parents must not be soft,Lest children develop the vice of relying on their parents. In Watson's view, he is telling parents not to easily meet and respond to their children's emotional needs.
That's a point that sounds pretty amazing to us right now, right? But in the 1930s and 1940s, parents embraced this view so much that it swept the entire United States and then influenced several other Western countries. It should be known that Watson did not make this point of view to fool outsiders, he himself did this when raising children.
So what's the effect? Reality really gave him a critical hit. Watson had a total of 3 children, all of whom, without exception, suffered from varying degrees of depression. The eldest son was the most serious, committing suicide in his thirties, and the second son, who had severed contact with Watson, was also very bad and muddy; the third was a daughter, seriously drunk, and often had suicidal thoughts. And the trauma Watson inflicted on the child is passed on from generation to generation. His grandchildren also exhibited behaviors like alcoholism and suicide.
It can be seen that Watson's view that it is not advisable not to easily meet the needs of children. Even later with the development of psychology, especially in the field of attachment, it was proved that Watson made a huge mistake, a mistake that made a generation pay the price of blood.
Because the child's more healthy development process should be that the child can express his needs again and again, and then the parents respond positively again and again, always in such a continuous cycle, which is the core of forming an attachment relationship, and such a process is called "attachment cycle".
This cycle is like the wheels of a carriage, turning forward, towards the goal, so what is the camel on this carriage? What is camel is the child's sense of trust and security in the parents, and even the whole world.
As we said just now, the attachment cycle is the process by which the child expresses need and the parent responds to the need. Then as a parent, if we want the attachment cycle of our child to be working benignly, first you have to know which needs are crucial in the child's development so that you can respond more accurately.
Then we can divide the needs of children into 2 categories, that is, physical needs and psychological needs. Let me talk about them separately, starting with physiological needs. When you think of your child's physical needs, what comes to mind? Probably many people will think of eating first. Yes, this is a very important need for children, and it is the most basic guarantee for their survival.
So what else do you think of besides the need to eat the right food? In fact, children still have the need to touch, every child needs to be touched by parents and mothers, for children, this is a way to be comforted, especially when children cry, parents gently pat, touch the child, this way of comfort is particularly effective.
There may be people who have heard the saying "skin hunger and thirst", like skin hunger and thirst, they are rarely touched since childhood, the heart is particularly lonely, and even many times they need to hug themselves and give themselves a little comfort.
In addition to what we just said about the need for food and touching, children have an important physiological need, that is, the need for exercise. I know that in some families, because the parents are dual workers, there is no way to keep an eye on the child, but they are afraid that the child will be in danger of crawling around the house by himself, so he chains the child to the bed.
We can actually imagine if we tied ourselves to a chair and then held the same position for more than 20 minutes. It is estimated that you will feel itchy and uncomfortable, this is our need for activities.
Well, after talking about physical needs, let's talk about the child's psychological needs, there are 3 very important. The first is called the need for psychological nourishment, for example, parents hold their children in their arms to tell stories, children feel loved by their parents, or that children play with their favorite toys and feel particularly happy, which makes children feel very happy and beautiful, which are psychological nourishment.
Then the second need, the need for connection, is also well understood. We are all afraid of being lonely, and the same goes for the child, who needs to live with mom and dad, including when he's a little older, he needs to make friends and build emotional relationships with other people, and that's the need for connection.
The last one is called the need for emotional flow, that is, the child needs to have emotional communication with the parents. But in fact, in life, many parents communicate with their children every day, but there is very little emotional communication.
Most of the communication is didactic, and parents always tell their children that you have to do this, you have to do that, or you care about what your child learned in kindergarten and school, whether he is doing well or not, and so on. In fact, little attention is paid to the child's feelings, that is, when the child is happy, when he is sad, why he is sad, what he wants his parents to do when he is sad, and so on.
As for how to communicate emotionally with children, you can listen to another course of binbin gang " Parenting Psychology: 24 Questions That Children Must Know to Grow", which teaches a lot of specific methods of operation. For example, when a child is nervous when he sees a stranger, when the child is ridiculed by a child, when the child loses a game, etc., what should parents do in these situations?
Children in the process of growing up important physical and psychological needs, then when the child has these needs, he must find a way to express. For a small baby, or a relatively small child, he has no way to directly say what he wants, but can only express it through behavior. For example, when a small baby is hungry, he will cry and make trouble;
When he needs his parents to hug and kiss, he may wave his arms, kick his legs, or express it in a way that laughs and sells cuteness.
Generally speaking, a mother who is more sensitive to the needs of the child can know what the child needs at this time through interaction with the child, and meet him.
Usually, we can easily observe the performance of the child after being satisfied, for example, a small baby has eaten and drunk enough, and after being caressed by the mother, it will fall asleep very sweetly, and the whole body will relax. That is a virtuous circle from the child's needs, to the expression of needs, and then to being satisfied by parents. So what does such a virtuous circle bring?
At this time, the child will know that when I have a need, I can express this need, and the parents will be very friendly to meet me, I can trust them, so that the child will have a basic sense of trust.
If such a virtuous circle appears repeatedly in the child's growth process, every time the child has a need, and then he tries hard to express, and finally the need is satisfied, always such a virtuous circle of repetition, then the child will gradually have a solid sense of trust in himself and the environment.
Children will believe that they have the ability to express their needs, the ability to pursue hard and to receive responses and love. This is what we often call a sense of security.
A secure child will not be brought down so easily when he encounters setbacks.
For example, when he doesn't do well on the exam, he will think that maybe I haven't worked hard enough, or that I haven't found the right way, but I believe that I can get good grades.
Therefore, we say that if we want to raise a child with a sense of security, we must start by responding to the needs of the child and give the child a virtuous attachment cycle.