Many times, we will ask a question like this:
Why do people live this life?
We work every day, work hard to make money, and try to live the way others expect.
But when the heart matures, it is found that what we really want is not the external object, but the inner thing - the feeling of inner joy, satisfaction, full of energy, we call happiness.
Fromm says in The Art of Love:
"Love is not a matter of object, but a matter of ability, and with the ability to love, you can grasp the dominance of happiness."
People who live happily all have the following four types of love.
We think we know ourselves very well, but we actually know very little about ourselves.
When I was working, I didn't know what I was good at, so I casually found a job;
When it was time to get married, I didn't know my inner needs, and I walked into marriage in a vague way to find that this was not the person I wanted.
There is a fan in the background who has sent such a message.
She has been in love with her husband for 3 years, married for 2 years, and her husband after marriage has made her unable to adapt.
When she is in love, the reason why she is with her husband is because his husband can provide her with high emotional value.
Every day, call and text, take the initiative to boo cold and ask for warmth; when unhappy, coax her to be happy.
After the two got married, the advantages all became disadvantages.
She began to complain about her husband, who did not earn much money, who was not capable, and would only do these useless lip service.
This lady does not understand that men with high emotional value do not make much money, and the husband who will earn money will not make her happy, and the man who will both make her happy and make money will not choose her.
Life is not "both, also, and also", but a process of constantly choosing and choosing what you really need, and other things are not calculated.
In reality, many people do not understand this truth.
When I took a course on marital emotions in college, the professor had a sentence that I remember vividly:
"The reason why so many people can't find a partner, or meet someone unladylike, is because many people get it wrong in the first place.
They don't know what kind of object they want, and they haven't thought about it.
To solve this problem, first think about yourself, what kind of person you are, what kind of partner you want,
What kind of life do you want to live.
”
On the surface we are looking for our own partners, but in fact we are making up for the needs of our hearts.
What if I still don't know? Then try and make more mistakes when you have the opportunity.
It's better to rule out problems before marriage than to bring them into marriage.
Every intimate contact is a way to get to know yourself thoroughly.
Through the projection of others, we can see clearly a true self.
Knowing your true self and seeing your heart is the first step to building an intimate relationship.
Someone once asked: What are the conditions under which love happens?
There is one answer that is deeply agreeable:
Appreciating a person begins with appearance, fits in character, and finally understands.
In the large-scale love observation reality show "Half-Acquainted Lovers", Lola and Wang Nengneng are such a pair.
In fact, at first, Lola was not the ideal object for Wang Neng.
Lola is a food blogger and Wang Nengneng is an advertising planning director;
Lola has a lively personality and is a bit of a girl next door, but Wang Nengneng is a domineering president Fan;
When she first moved into the cottage, in order to ease the awkward atmosphere of everyone, Lola automatically assumed the role of "funny girl" who broke the ice for everyone.
This image positioning made her single in the first round of dating choices.
She said bitterly in the camera: "Everyone likes you, but everyone will not love you." ”
In the second round of dating, she changed the image of the girl next door before, dressed up very feminine, and let the other party shine.
In the process of communication between the two people, Lola did not stop at the superficial conversation, showing Wang Nengneng the other side of the lively personality.
In fact, she did not talk so much, but in order to make everyone happy, she showed a lively personality.
Wang Nengneng also deeply feels the same way about this, he is not as sunny and humorous as he seems, in fact, he also has emotional lows that others can't see.
Lola's words made Wang Neng have a feeling that his heart was opened, seen, and understood.
This exchange also made him feel good about Lola, and also made him confirm that compared with other guests, Lola is the one who can enter his heart.
There's a saying that's right:
"Shallow communication determines whether two people have the opportunity to develop, whether they can communicate deeply, and determines whether two people can be together."
Every deep communication is a way to reach the other person's heart.
This also allows each other to confirm in mutual understanding that the other party is the person who really understands you, and deep dialogue is also an important step to open yourself and build trust.
The process is like a treasure hunt, the wrong person makes you frustrated, and the right person makes you see the bigger world through the other person.
The real right partner is like that, who can gossip and understand each other, and have a soul dialogue.
There is a movie line that says, "True love has no smooth path." ”
Every emotion inevitably goes through various tests, so we can always hear such regrets:
"If only I could have done that at the time."
"If I could coax her at the time, maybe now I'll have a baby."
The implication is that we should have been very happy, but no one kept it, just watched this relationship become a stranger.
In the movie "Forgot to Understand You", Cai Weihang and Cedar were once a pair of lovers who envied others.
After marriage, Cai Weihang's furniture factory was on the verge of closure due to poor management, and as the head of the family, he had no financial resources.
The burden of raising a family can only fall on Cedar, who guards a small supermarket and the family can only live in a tight knuckle.
The days are tough, and the two people can't help but stumble.
Cai Weihang began to complain that his wife always brought home expired milk, and Cedar also hated her husband's incompetence and would only lose her temper at home.
In order to help her husband find a way out of her work, Cedar secretly went to ask her first love for help.
But after Cai Weihang knew about this matter, the first thing he did was not to hurt his wife, but to suspect that she had an affair with his first love.
When the trouble was the most fierce, Cai Weihang even took his daughter to do a paternity test, which made Cedar completely chill and desperately propose a divorce.
Obviously, at first, they were the closest lovers, but in the end they became partners who hurt each other.
If Cai Weihang can bear that hurtful sentence, more transposition, more remediation, if Cedar can give her husband more understanding, more support, presumably this marriage will not come to this point.
I've heard a quote like this:
"Intimacy should not only be a psychological instinct, but also a hardcore skill."
The meaning of intimacy is not just about being together, it's about how to go on.
After a quarrel, the person who first says sorry is more rare; after the conflict, the person who first loosens the shelf and serves softly cares more.
The key to testing whether a relationship can be stable for a long time is whether both parties have the ability to repair the crisis.
Rather than going with the flow, going with the flow, becoming a regret, what is more regrettable is that it is not trying to make up for it when it can be made up.
It is easy to love each other, it is not easy to get along, and it is good to do and cherish.
Often read the message in the weChat background, there is a high problem:
How to maintain freshness in marriage?
Indeed, every vigorous, electric flint relationship cannot escape the fate of the final bland cooling.
In the face of changes in feelings, some people choose to do the same thing with different people, and some people do many different things with the same person.
I have seen such a post on Douban, the topic is "After marrying my husband, how do we beat boredom?" ”
There is a post with super high likes, and the name of the poster is Yangyang.
She and her boyfriend are high school classmates, familiarity with each other, in her own words, she has a look, and the boyfriend guesses her mind.
They were together in their freshman year, talked about love for 6 years, married for 4 years, plus three years of high school, and knew each other for a total of 13 years.
But they never bored each other, but woke up every day to find each other's shining points.
Yang Yang is a girl with a wide range of interests, and always likes to tinker with all kinds of new things.
After learning yoga and learning to draw, there is no shortage of new topics in the lives of the two.
The husband is a wide-ranging person, who understands both Go and economics, and Yangyang is often crushed by his husband's knowledge reserves.
In the husband's place, the wife is the most interesting person in the world, and as long as the earth doesn't explode, the wife has new ideas.
In the eyes of his wife, the husband is an encyclopedia, he understands everything he says, he can take on any topic, and he is a very powerful person.
Every day I open my eyes from bed, this day is a novel adventure, such a marriage, how can it lose its freshness.
Every year they are together, they become richer selves.
Kelly Paston said:
Marriage needs to be created. We talk about everything and grow and change together, because nothing is set in stone. Always be prepared.
The fading of enthusiasm is not terrible, the fear is that you do not add new fuel to the relationship before the enthusiasm is extinguished.
There are no immutable feelings, only marriages that grow up with each other.
Both people are nourished and become better people, which is the way to keep a marriage fresh.
Sanmao said:
The most important thing for people to live in the world is to have the ability to love people, not to be loved. We don't know how to love people, and how we can be loved.
If you want to be loved, you must first have the ability to love.
Not all people are born with the ability to love, and those who will not love at first, just because no one in their upbringing has taught you to love, has not felt the appearance of healthy love, and people cannot give what they do not have.
The ability to love is not innate, but can also be acquired.
Before loving people, learn to love yourself, and first make your heart full and full.
Because love is like this, after your own cup is filled, the overflowing part can be distributed to others.
I hope that you will love yourself first, and then love others, when you have love, learn to love, give love, the key to happiness is originally in your hands.
Click [Attention], may you have the ability to love, both to be brave to love, but also to be openly loved.