1
Love is an emotion, and any emotion must be based on consensus, so warm love must also need good common memories as support. The initial feeling of two people together is not actually love, it is just passion, an emotion that is stimulated by "like", not emotion.
Bursts of emotions like "like" are usually intense, and they can even mask many negative emotions and feelings. In addition, each of us will be very eager to show our perfect image when entering an intimate relationship, hide our bad side, and be full of all kinds of beautiful fantasies about lovers, so the starting point of a romantic relationship is usually very beautiful and warm, and the lover looks sparkling.
Passion always fades one day, even if you like to play roller coaster, playing for ten days and half a month will still be tired, no emotion can be maintained at high intensity. This leads to a lot of interaction patterns at the beginning of a relationship that may change.
For example, cooking two hours of telephone porridge every day, when there is no excitement and freshness, it will eventually become an awkward conversation, and both sides will feel that the topic is getting less and less, like a routine. With the close contact between two people, many natures will continue to be exposed, and the perfect disguise will gradually be torn apart, which will lead to a continuous decline in the love from the lover, and many inherent behaviors will be more difficult to sustain because of the lack of emotional support.
This transformation is often the life-and-death line of intimate relationships, and being able to accept the transformation can transform the boring ritualistic things of the past into real good memories - although we no longer cook phone porridge every day, but whenever we think of spending more than 10 yuan a day on the phone when we are poor, it is very warm.
But there are also many people who have fairytale fantasies about love, they hope that the relationship will remain unchanged, and the lovers are best not to have any changes. What problems does this pose? Because if you want to maintain that kind of unchanged look, you need to maintain the love, but if you receive the same gift every birthday, the stimulation is actually decreasing.
So this leads to people who hope to maintain a good experience in the relationship, will unconsciously change the requirements for the lover, while refusing the lover to appear in line with their expectations of the behavior, which in the other party's view is actually constantly suffering from new challenges, the difficulty of maintaining the relationship is constantly improving - at the beginning of love, 2 hours of telephone porridge every day, and the difficulty of cooking telephone porridge after a few months of love is not the same, people always have to return to reality to run for life, it is impossible to always rely on love hormones as a meal.
But in the eyes of the party who made the request, it was: "My request is very reasonable!" Why can't you do it? Why can't you be the same as before? Don't you love me anymore? "Once there is this divergence in the relationship, then love has already begun to die.
Because if we want to believe that the other party loves themselves, one of the primary factors is actually whether the other party can understand themselves and respect themselves, and only when they are understood and respected will we feel that a relationship is accepting of ourselves and is warm and safe. But in a conflicted relationship, it is often the case that neither side feels the other's understanding, but can only feel selfishness and taking.
2
"Have you ever thought about my hard work every day, and when I come home at night alone, I look forward to your call?" I am not as willful as a little girl, and you can't meet this basic requirement? Is my sacrifice for the relationship so worthless to you? ”
"Have you considered my feelings?" I have to visit 30 customers a day, and I have to be scolded by the boss, and when I go home, I want to take a break, and occasionally I don't want to talk, isn't it normal? Why don't you understand? ”
"How else do you want me to understand you?" How much time and effort can you spend on a 10-minute phone call every day when you come back and talk? ”
"Yes, that doesn't take much time. But have you ever wondered how long in advance I need to wait for you in advance to ensure a smooth call when you have time? For your 10 minute call, I probably won't be able to get a good rest for a whole hour! ”
"Aren't you just playing games when you go home?" Why is there no rest? ”
"I have your business in my heart, I can't even play well in the copy, and I don't dare to play in qualifying, can I call for a good rest?" It's just a matter of killing time! ”
"It's more important than playing games, right?"
"I really don't mean that... How come you've become so difficult to communicate now? ”
"Is it hard for you to communicate or am I having trouble communicating?" Men will indeed change their minds! ”
3
Above is a virtual long-distance couple arguing.
We all think that the relationship breakdown caused by long-distance love is actually not the case, and what really causes the relationship to break down is that both parties are afraid - afraid of each other's change, afraid of each other's demands, afraid of each other's incomprehension, and afraid of each other's moral kidnapping and labeling.
Once the relationship enters a situation where both parties are afraid, the intimacy will disappear without a trace, and when you get along with each other, you will not only feel no warmth, but also feel particularly diaphragmy, strange and awkward. And as this sense of estrangement continues, the discomfort of the two sides getting along will become more and more obvious.
At this time, all our energy will be used to defend against each other's attacks and injuries, focus all our attention on our own feelings and situations, and constantly recall some of the "faults" of the other party to create grievances for ourselves, so as to attack each other from the victim's position during the quarrel, forcing the other party to obey.
We all believe baselessly that as long as the other person recognizes his mistakes, he will change it, and he will return the relationship to its original state. Since we want to fight for right and wrong, both sides of the argument will unconsciously ignore their own problems and selectively only look at the bad aspects of the other party.
But ironically, if a relationship is full of memories of quarrels, and emotions like worry, grievance, anxiety, anger, fear, humiliation, etc., then what can the feeling of love rely on to maintain it?
When neither side can see the real other, jealousy will cause the forest of love to become a black forest, and both sides will begin to adopt the laws of the black forest to deal with the relationship - as long as you have action, whether it is kind or not, I will give you a shot first to prevent you from hurting me.
We all believe that we have no malice, even if we give each other a shot just to control each other, and we will not ask for each other's lives - translated into love language is: "What if I scold you a few times?" Don't you think about how much I've paid for the relationship? ”
But this is just wishful thinking, in the eyes of the other party, this is actually a double standard - why can you hurt me, and I am not allowed to hurt you? There is never a winner in the war of love, and the party that wins the argument loses the most.
When the other party finds that they no longer have the means to protect themselves in the relationship and no longer have the energy to maintain the relationship, they will not hesitate to choose to leave. Even if the breakup is still painful, staying in the relationship feels like you will die. What is even more regrettable is that because the pain of the past is a memory that cannot be forgotten, even if they are reunited by chance, it is difficult to break the mirror and reunite.
4
To maintain a good relationship, you need to adhere to at least one principle: don't use the other person as a source of happiness, but as an "amplifier" of happiness. What do you mean? You can think about a question: why do those soap comedies like to add some audience laughter to the laughter point?
This shows that if you only find pleasure in the excitement of things themselves, it is not enough, or even not fun. But if someone can have emotional resonance with themselves at this time and have the same feelings and opinions about this thing, then the feedback of this emotion will amplify the fun experience.
This phenomenon tells us not to use love as a source of joy in life. Of course, the other party will make you happy, but if you ask the other party to be able to coax you to be so happy all the time, it is a disguised increase in the difficulty of maintaining the relationship. Having the same hobbies and even more importantly the same values with the other person will always find resonance in some things, which is the real source of the joy of life.
I once saw a lot of couples or couples who seemed to have a good relationship in the pedestrian street, and overheard their conversations, without exception, all of which looked like this: "Old man, do you remember that there used to be a tofu brain here?" It was delicious, but unfortunately it was gone. ”
"Of course, I remember that in the past, in order to chase you, I still came to buy it every day and let the store put a lot of oil and spicy seeds." In fact, I like to eat sweet tofu brain..."
"You dead old man!" Salty is king! So, one day we'll look for it, and I'll like to eat it! ”
"Good!"
What fun does this kind of discussion have to outsiders? Can eating a tofu brain really make a person happy to ascend to heaven? The real pleasure is actually that "my feelings and ideas can be approved and responded to at any time". If we want to maintain a good relationship, what we have to do is to keep going out of the intimate relationship, go to the outside world to find your "tofu brain", taste their deliciousness, go home and share their feelings with their lovers, rather than always letting their lovers eat for themselves, and even beautiful and firm love cannot withstand continuous consumption.
Gou Yu, national second-level psychological counselor, social worker, listening (Chongqing) psychological counseling center counselor.
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