In many of the parent consultations I have received, many parents are facing the same dilemma, unable to correctly understand and handle the relationship between family members, including both husband and wife relationships and parent-child relationships.
It is precisely because you cannot correctly understand and deal with these relationships, so you will naturally put the cart before the horse in many aspects of behavior, and finally wait until there is a large contradiction, only to find yourself helpless and troubled.
A few days ago, a parent said privately that the child is only in the second year of junior high school, and he does not want to go to school, let him go out to work with relatives and do not go, every day at home to live a black and white upside down, addicted to mobile phone Internet life, almost no personal appearance. I quarreled with the child many times, and the good and bad ones were exhausted, and it was useless. I have also reflected that when the child was a child, he doted on him too much, what he wanted, and everything was up to him, so that now he could not be cruel and could not control the child.
Similar to this kind of family, in fact, is not an individual phenomenon, the root cause, in fact, is not able to correctly understand and deal with the parent-child relationship, mistakenly believe that the parent-child relationship is only a family relationship, nothing else, think that as long as they are good to the child is enough.
But the truth is that the core relationship between family members is actually a production partnership, not a family relationship.
Why? Today, I will talk to you about this topic in detail.
First, productive cooperative relations are universal among all people who normally live in society.
In addition to the colleagues, friends, classmates, parents, lovers, and children that you can often see around you, there are actually many, many people who are far away from you and have never even met, and they all have cooperative relations with you.
Or to put it another way, you are inextricably linked to all the people on this planet, but the difference is only the distance or closeness of the relationship.
For example, the steak you ate at a Western restaurant yesterday for dinner might be a beef cow kept in captivity by a herder on a Brazilian ranch, or the dragon fruit you ate after lunch today might be from an orchard managed by a grower at Haikou Farm. Whether it's Herders in Brazil or fruit farmers in Haikou, you haven't seen them, but you have a production partnership with them.
The reason is actually not difficult to understand, it is precisely because the strength of an individual is very limited, so the formation of a large system of human society, the collection of the strength of many people, it is easier to overcome the harsh natural environment, so that we can better survive.
Then came the state and the political power to organize and manage social production activities and maintain a normal order of production, so that each of us naturally developed a production cooperative relationship.
Second, all family members are essentially a production partnership with family affection.
Then, for family members, whether it is between husband and wife, or between parents and children, it is also a cooperative relationship. However, this kind of cooperative relationship is more special, and it is a production cooperative relationship with family affection.
However, it must be noted that the core relationship is still a cooperative relationship, and the family relationship belongs to the collateral relationship and auxiliary relationship.
So what is the content of cooperation between family members? The content of cooperation is actually: improve production efficiency, improve living efficiency, and reduce the cost of living.
For adults, the so-called production is naturally work; for children, production actually refers to learning production knowledge and skills.
Specific to the parent-child relationship, parents provide children with certain material conditions and a comfortable living environment, mainly in order to let children learn production knowledge and skills more efficiently, rather than for children to lie flat and enjoy.
Before officially entering social work, through this partnership, as many children as possible can acquire enough professional skills to survive in advance. This is the core meaning of the parent-child relationship.
Third, the relationship of subsidiarity and support does not mean that it is not an unimportant relationship.
After the above conclusion, some people may be unconvinced, "Then how can family affection make you say that it is an auxiliary role?" That's a little too cold-blooded, too ruthless, right? "Yes, it is indeed an auxiliary role.
But the point to be added here is that anything that is in a subsidiary position does not mean that it is not important.
For example, if you boil a bowl of noodles in boiled water, if you don't put any spices, you can eat it, and you can eat it, but it is tasteless; but if you add some spices as an aid, then the noodles will be very delicious. At this time, can you say that the seasoning in the auxiliary position is not important?
In the family members, the love between husband and wife and the affection between parents and children are important "spices" in this kind of production and cooperative relationship, but this "spice" is still in an auxiliary position, and what is located in the core position is always a cooperative relationship.
Fourth, the above truths can be told to children from an early age; and for children who have the tendency to lie flat and enjoy, they must also make their views clear early.
In fact, don't spoil and spoil children too much, this truth, from ancient times to the present, has always been said, is not a new thing. As early as the Southern and Northern Dynasties, the famous educator Yan Zhitui's "Yan Family Training" mentioned the theory of "favoritism is harmful, strict teaching is love", which is intended to warn parents not to overly favor and spoil their children.
Why the ancients will realize these truths early, in fact, the fundamental reason is that there is not only family affection between family members, but the production and cooperation relationship is its core relationship.
No matter how capable and wealth parents have, they cannot meet all the requirements of their children, let alone escort their children for a lifetime. The fundamental logic of this conclusion, which I just talked about in the February 12 article, because the material resources in each person's hands do not belong entirely to themselves, but to the whole society, and everyone wants to survive well, in the end, it depends on society, not parents.
It seems that parents raise their children, but in fact, in this process, most of the time they are also using social material resources, and the parents' own efforts and efforts account for only a small proportion.
Therefore, when the child is very young, you can say to the child like this: "It is not that Mom and Dad don't want to love you, nor is it cruel to you." But many of the good things that your parents can give you come from the whole society, not just you and me. Therefore, you must also be a person who is valuable to society in order to always enjoy these good things that society brings you. ”
And for some minor children who do not want to go to school, nor want to work, and have the tendency to lie flat and enjoy, parents also need to explain the above truths to their children as early as possible, and they must let their children understand that a person who survives in society either works or learns various knowledge and skills for work, which is the social responsibility that everyone should fulfill.
And it is best to set a "gentleman's agreement" in advance, if it is violated, then parents should not be too polite with their children, and there must be restrictive measures in terms of material conditions. I have talked in detail about this in two issues of last year's December 5th and February 15th of this year.
In short, the core relationship between all family members is always a production partnership, not just family affection. Only by recognizing this point clearly in advance will there be no behaviors of reversing the primary and secondary and putting the cart before the horse, and can we correctly handle the relationship between family members and live better in this society.
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