This is the 2283rd article of modern parent education
Author: Fish Daddy
1
As parents, especially when our children are young, we have to face their children's emotions almost every day.
How do you deal with this grumpy little guy in front of you?
Once, I saw a mother who threw her tantrum into a bush by the side of the road and threatened her child not to lose her temper if she continued to lose her temper.
If you ask her, "Do you love this kid?" ”
"Love! I am willing to give my life for him! "Would definitely answer that way.
"But why wouldn't you want him to lose his temper?"
"The child's tantrum is irritating and uncontrollable!"
As a result, the child cried and tore his heart and lungs.
When the temper comes, no matter how many parents are ignored, it really gets it.
Whether he was biological or biological, he didn't use it at this time anyway.
Another way is to ignore the child who loses his temper and let him automatically turn off the fire and treat it cold.
It seems that the method is gentle, but in fact, for the child, the problem is still there and has not been solved.
It will be like this next time, a vicious circle.
2
In fact, there is a reason why children lose their temper.
And can you really be patient enough to listen and find out why?
Face those moments of tantrums in your child.
As long as the parents' thinking patterns change slightly, and they look at the child's stubbornness and crying from the perspective of empathy, the mentality will change a lot.
Once took the subway.
When meeting a father and son, the child should only be three or four years old.
At the beginning of the car, the child sat next to his father, curiously asking this and that, very happy.
Dad also patiently gave him an answer.
But after a while, the child began to want to stand up and play.
Dad stopped him from doing that because he couldn't stand still in the carriage.
After saying that, Dad began to look at the phone again.
The questions the child asked, and did not seriously answer.
Instead, he said to the child, "Don't talk anymore, keep quiet in the carriage!" ”
The child sat there obediently, perhaps too bored.
After a while he said, "Dad, I'm going to get out of the car!" ”
"Not yet at the station, wait a minute!"
"No way! No! "The child is already impatient.
At this time, Dad put down the mobile phone and took him in his arms.
Whispering to him, I didn't expect the little guy to be quiet again.
But before long, he said, "Daddy, I miss Grandma!" ”
"Grandma has returned to her hometown."
When he heard his father say this, he began to be unhappy again.
But Dad, at this time, was not happy, "You child, how do you always love to lose your temper!" ”
Listening to Dad's criticism, he cried wow.
In fact, from beginning to end, children have been trying to find ways to attract their father's attention.
As long as Dad talks to himself instead of looking at his phone, he won't be so anxious.
But the father never thought of the needs of the child.
He felt that to ride in a car was to sit in a car, and it was good to be quiet.
Grandma went back to her hometown and couldn't see her.
What does the child need?
It is not a matter of getting reprimanded and punished by your parents after a big fight.
They lose their temper and the secret is often a call for love.
They are eager to connect with their parents, to get their attention, and to expect their parents to understand their needs.
If you catch it, the child will happily cooperate.
And if you ignore it coldly, it will only make him put in more effort (perhaps cry harder).
3
What should we do in the face of children who are often grumpy?
1. Create an emotionally stable surrounding environment for children.
In a family where parents quarrel for many years, it is difficult for children's emotions to develop steadily.
For example, if a child is writing homework in the study, and suddenly there is a scolding sound in the living room, can he finish his homework with peace of mind?
Or the child has done something wrong, does not dare to say it at all, can only wait in fear, and as a result, the parents are loudly reprimanded when they meet, which frightens him and makes him tremble.
Because children inadvertently imitate their parents, including all good and bad behavior habits.
It can be said that the quality of a child's temper is closely related to his parents.
It's like soil and flowers.
Poor soil, can not grow good flowers.
Children need an environment where they can relax, express themselves freely, and make mistakes.
Be able to seriously explore and think, feel the rules.
2. Help children recognize emotions.
Parents need to help their children learn to describe their feelings and speak out about their true needs.
You can ask the child, angry, what will you do?
Last time I asked the little fish this question.
He said to me, "Maybe I'll cry because it's more comfortable to cry, and I might tell my teacher that someone is making me angry." ”
"Then are you going to hit someone?"
"I don't hit people because it's not right."
This was a conversation with him after reading Jerry's Cool Space.
He also said that he would build his own cool space, called Dinosaur Paradise.
As long as I was angry, I wanted to think of Dinosaur Paradise.
"Yes, thinking about happy things always makes us less angry."
So, in addition to some of the usual guidance and exercises.
To help children understand emotions, parent-child reading is a better way.
Books are used to let children know the language of emotions.
And stories are often a microcosm of the real world, with children identifying different emotions from stories and understanding how people deal with different emotions such as anger, fear, happiness, and sadness.
3. Let children use "speaking" to express their feelings.
When the little fish loses his temper, I always remind him to "say how you feel and tell Daddy." ”
Sometimes he would sulk and not speak.
So I couldn't find the reason for it for a while.
When angry, the child will choose to fight, so it is generally shut up.
The best thing is to be able to express your feelings before you get angry.
Maybe it's just "I don't like it when you put my dinosaur toy in a box." ”
Because he arranged for the dinosaur to stand guard there.
Therefore, to let children express emotions, we need to exercise children's expression ability as soon as possible.
Let them know some emotional language.
For example, "I'm angry", "I'm a little upset", "I'm happy now", "You make me uncomfortable", "I'm going to lose my temper!" ”......
When children discover that language helps them express emotions.
They will also be used happily to compliment people, "Auntie, you are so beautiful", "I like this brother", "I feel so good!" ”
Such exercise, in addition to insisting on parent-child co-reading every day.
You can also consciously ask your child to describe some objects and events.
Even if you are a baby less than one year old, you can take it out and point to everything in nature and explain it to him.
For example, clouds, trees, grass, houses, cars, etc., they like to listen to it very much.
And when you do it, you can also explain the action to the child.
For example, raise your little hands high and stretch your little feet over.
Touch your little face and put on this little blue vest...
When the child's language expression is enhanced, the expression of emotions has one more channel.
And for the older children, there is already the ability to speak.
But they are often reluctant to say it.
The key is to see whether the family environment can make them express it, and whether they are willing to express it.
This is worthy of parental reflection.
4
In fact, children who love to lose their temper are calling for love, and they also need love even more!
Don't think that children who lose their temper are bad, and children who never lose their temper are "well-behaved" children.
There is a kind of child who, in order to be satisfied with adults, would rather sacrifice his true self and give up his feelings.
You can only bury your desires and feelings in your heart.
Such children seem quiet and sensible, but in fact, they have no self-confidence in their hearts, often cannot find themselves, and are prone to psychological problems.
For example, emotions are held in the heart for a long time, children become depressed, and psychological studies point out that excessive depression in childhood, no luster, people with bad childhood have a greater probability of suffering from depression in adulthood.
Children's emotions, especially bad emotions, need to be accepted by parents.
That flawed self needs the respect and love of parents even more.
In the management of emotions, the parent-child relationship is constantly changing.
Effective emotional management is beneficial for both children and parents themselves.
No matter what, parents must first cultivate their temper, because your peaceful and firm attitude is the key.
When you can hold on to your principles peacefully and firmly, you will not be manipulated by temper.
Children will be more willing to approach you, listen to you, talk to you.