Wen 丨 Fish Daddy Image source MeiSu Gallery
1
Every time I talk about the troubles of raising children.
There are always parents who accuse their children of disobedience.
But, you know what?
Children's disobedience often illuminates the parents' problems
For example, our patience is becoming less and less.
There is no patience to talk to the child well.
Nor did I have the patience to listen to the child.
Many times, the child breaks down just because of communication problems.
But you hurriedly say that the child is disobedient.
Visited the mall the other day.
Originally promised the little one to go to the playground after lunch.
But after we finished eating, we found that something had fallen in the shop and had to go and get it.
So I had to tell him I would go again later.
He was a little upset, but he also agreed, saying that he would go later.
When I went to that shop, I remembered whether a dress I had seen in the next shop last time was in stock.
As a result, the son was very unhappy at this time.
I said I was going to leave, and I promised to take something and leave.
I said just passing by, just give me 5 minutes.
He didn't want to stop for a minute.
I also put the agreement behind me.
Tell him to give me a little time, "Give Daddy five minutes, and I'll play with you for thirty minutes." ”
When he heard this, he cried loudly.
Then a man walked forward.
No way, I followed him all the way.
I was also angry in my heart, "I can't give it a few minutes, I won't play later." “
At this time, I was like a child who quarreled with him.
If you hit me, I'll hit you.
Finally, when it came to the elevator, I calmed down.
Pull him to sit down on the resting table next to him.
"Why can't you give Daddy a few minutes?"
"We said yes."
"Yes, we said ok, Dad changed the plan, Dad is not right, but we are passing there, I want to be flexible, take a little time, next time there is no time to deliberately go ah." 」
"And why are you crying so loudly?" Tell Dad about it. ”
He suddenly said to me in a very clear tone, "Dad, why did you say you wanted me to give you five minutes, but you only gave me three minutes?" ”
To be honest, I still remember the scene.
I was very happy to hear him express it so clearly.
Because he expressed his doubts in its entirety.
And the misunderstanding between us has also dissolved.
I thought he wasn't being reasonable, and I couldn't give me five minutes.
The child, on the other hand, listened to thirty minutes into three minutes.
You know, he happens to be in the number sensitive period, and if you do the math, he still has two minutes to lose, and he knows that three minutes is not enough to play.
He almost collapsed because of this incident.
At the time, I thought it was his stubbornness and disobedience.
Who is responsible?
I feel the responsibility is still on me.
It's me who should say I'm sorry, because I didn't fulfill the agreement myself.
I first violated the agreement, and then I hurt the child with childishness.
It also comes under the banner of disciplining him and correcting his stubbornness.
How many people in this world hurt each other is the lack of effective communication.
I thought you understood, I thought you would think so.
But in fact?
The two thought completely differently.
Moreover, there is a big difference between the world of children and the world of adults.
This way there will be more misunderstandings.
2
Parents do this, and children are more willing to listen.
First learn to listen and let the child express himself freely.
Don't rush to interrupt or correct the child, but listen patiently to the child.
I remember picking up a little fish from school once.
There was an unpleasant smell in the neighborhood outside their kindergarten.
"It stinks, where did it come from?" I say
"It's our kindergarten, I should call it stinky school!"
My first instinct was how could I say that.
What a courtesy!
But I didn't say that, I didn't accuse him, I didn't correct him.
Instead, go on with him.
"If you look closely, in which direction is the wind coming from today?"
He looked around and said he didn't know.
"When you look at that flag, did it blow from this side to your school?"
"Yes!"
"I think this stink is blowing from the side of the community."
Next we happily discussed how the wind blows along the way.
What did it matter if he said a stinky school?
Why bother with this, you have to correct it!
I think parental tolerance and listening will make children more willing to communicate with you.
Instead of the kind where you say yours, I shut my ears and don't listen.
When children are free to express their thoughts in their entirety.
Many misunderstandings will be clarified and the harm will be reduced.
3
Second, be patient and speak well in a different way.
That day, my son learned "Berthing Guazhou" at school.
He said he could recite it, but I asked him if he knew what it meant?
He said the teacher didn't teach and didn't know.
I said let me talk about it.
He looked unhappy and was anxious to play.
I was asked, "Why should we understand the meaning of the poem, why should we understand the author's story?" ”
Children will ask questions that they don't want to do it, but want to complete the tasks assigned by the teacher as soon as possible.
It was a smoggy day.
I said to him, if you look at the sky outside, is it a lot of fog?
"Yes"
"But Dad didn't just see the fog, I could see the haze. Fog is a superficial phenomenon, while haze is hidden behind. ”
"What good do you say it is to know?" I then asked him.
That's when he got interested.
He asked me if I knew.
"I know the harm of smog, there are a lot of harmful dust will enter the lungs, people who don't know may still be running and exercising outside, but it is actually not good for the body." Learning cannot only see the surface, but also look behind it. ”
Now it's easy to do.
I started with Wang Anshi's experience, and then I imagined with him the author writing this poem.
I admired my patience that day.
If I had yelled at him and criticized him, he might have obeyed.
But the effect is certainly completely different.
4
Parents should allow their children to have times when they are against us and disobedient.
When children are disobedient, many parents are anxious to let their children give in, give up their own views, and accept their parents' ideas.
The mantra of many parents is "Don't tell me, that's it!" ”
If you argue, they will say, "I eat more salt than you eat, and you listen to me." ”
"Why are you listening to me!" Because I'm an adult. ”
Once that happens, what do you think will happen to this child.
There are many children who pretend to be listening and actually think about their own business.
No matter how much you say, it's useless.
There is also a way to become unconstrained, listen to the parents' arrangements, and become a "good baby".
Such a child is actually the most pitiful.
Because parents are not omnipotent, when parents are wrong, when parents are left behind by the times.
They themselves made mistakes and were left behind.
The direction of parents' efforts is not to make the child obedient, but to try to make the child feel that your words are listenable.
Are parents worthy of their children's trust? became the key.
Once trust is established with the child, the child is willing to follow the rules made together.
Therefore, in the process of communicating with children, we must do it truthfully.
If you can't do it, tell your child clearly that I can't do it.
Some mothers said that children like cars and cars, and they have to buy cars as soon as they see them.
But it is impossible to buy it every time, say and don't listen, don't know what to do?
Sometimes, the child does mention some unreasonable needs, and don't perfunctory him.
For example, once my son said he wanted to buy a drone.
The old man said well, buy it for you.
I said to him at the time, "This toy is not for you yet, you need to be older to play." ”
He was not happy.
I patiently told him why I couldn't buy it.
And told him: "Dad actually hopes that you can have a good drone, but you can't operate it now, and when you go to elementary school, I'll send you one." ”
With my promise, he didn't make a fuss anymore.
Perhaps, sometimes he would continue to make trouble.
But I would tell him again gently and firmly.
Let him know that making trouble will not achieve the goal.
When we have respect for our children and trust in each other, you have a gentle and firm attitude.
Children tend to be more obedient.
This method is much more effective than yelling and collapsing in place, you try it!
(This article is the original of the fish father, the source of the picture network, the public number reprint can contact the authorization, welcome to share with friends in need.) Published best-selling book "Just Right Parenting, How to Raise Children with High Emotional Intelligence")
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Hello, I am the father of the "dinosaur expert" little fish and I was lucky to meet you. Fish Dad was once a children's book editor, very fond of the magical group of children, and later left his job with a baby.
Every day, while taking the baby with her heart, she read thousands of picture books with the baby, and also shared her real parenting and parent-child reading feelings on the public account. He has published more than 800 original shares and received the attention of hundreds of thousands of parents.
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