In the education of Chinese parents, many parents will impose their will on their children, kidnap their children in the name of love, and deprive them of their right to choose their own lives. Highly controlling parents are accustomed to arranging everything for their children, even forcing their children to obey their own orders, regardless of their children's wishes. However, children who are manipulated by their parents are very depressed and painful, and they are eager to break free and have their own lives.
Recently, I am chasing a very interesting drama "Sleeping Garden", although the positioning of the drama is a romantic love suspense drama, but the psychological counseling case inside is very exciting, and there are many psychological expertise.
The male protagonist is Lin Shen, a psychology professor, and the female protagonist is Xiao Xiao, the blogger of the emotional public account.
Zuo Yan has worked in Lin Shen's psychological clinic for many years, and she is fierce and courageous in the workplace, always smiling, as if there is no difficulty that can overwhelm her.
However, the "Sister Yan", who has a perfect personality in the workplace, is oppressed by her mother's strong desire for control at home and is on the verge of collapse. For a long time, she had suppressed her nature and never dared to reveal her true thoughts.
Her mother told her that she must drink a cup of organic vegetable juice every day before going to bed, keep her stomach healthy and keep in shape, and said, "The habits you have cultivated for many years should be adhered to." In the face of the green vegetable juice handed to her by her mother, although Zuo Yan did not want to drink it, under the repeated persuasion of her mother, she still had to endure the discomfort and swallowed it.
And what is even more frightening is that she has been "domesticated" by her mother so that she does not know how to refuse and resist, and her mother who is high above the world uses a sentence of "for your own good" to beat the invincible hand all over the world, and the cause of all this comes from the childhood shadow that her mother buried in her heart.
It turns out that this kind of childhood shadow may even accompany children throughout their lives, and affect their views on marriage and mate selection, which will also bring tragedy and disaster.
01.
Children are not instrumental beings for their parents
Taking several plots in the play as an example, we can fully feel the parents' desire to control the deformity of their children.
1. Learn tennis
In "Sleeping Garden", Zuo Yan does not like tennis at all, but in the eyes of her mother, this is an elegant sport, and for example, she lost touch with the dream school, and her classmates went to the dream school, relying on tennis to give extra points to study abroad.
She tried to resist, but was locked out of the door by her mother all day and threatened not to let her go to her father if she didn't learn tennis. (After her parents divorced, Zuo Yan has been living with her mother.) In order to make her mother happy, Zuo Yan insisted on hard work and finally won the championship.
This is typical of letting children be tool people and fulfilling their dreams for their parents.
2. Medicine pillow
Because Zuo Yan has a smell of Chinese medicine on her body, she is often ridiculed by her classmates, because of the medicine pillow made for her by her mother. Once, she and her mother discussed that if she did a good exam, she would promise her one thing. As a result, she did well in the test, so she and her mother proposed to change the medicine pillow, but she was still refused.
This is typical of not being able to empathize and not putting yourself in the shoes of your child.
3. Peek at the diary
Zuo Yan's mother has the key to her diary and often peeks into her diary. Unfortunately, she did not know that her daughter had another diary, and Zuo Yan poured out her heart on her own diary, where the real Zuo Yan was recorded.
Maybe you have also been peeked at by parents in diaries, love letters, mobile phones experience? Parental distrust becomes an invasion of children's personal privacy, and the psychological distance between parents and children becomes more and more distant.
4. Interfere with the freedom of making friends
When she was in college, the bud of her first love was severely cut off by her mother, and she was viciously humiliated by her mother. Her mother said to her, "Whoever you are looking for, you can't find someone worse than you." I don't agree with you to have a hard time with someone like that. Even more egregious, her mother snatched her phone and directly deleted the boy's WeChat. Many years later, through his own efforts, the boy worked hard to create a good career, bought a house, and also owned his own happy little home.
Parents use their own judgment standards and preferences to draw a sand table for their children, and even forcibly interfere in finding a partner, which is typical of too strong control.
5. Urge marriage and force blind dates
After she worked, her mother constantly urged her to marry and wanted to introduce her to the blind date, but she refused. She is extremely disgusted by blind dates, and she is even more verbally violent towards blind dates. Once her sensitive nerves were touched, she seemed to change into a person, but because she hid it well, she was never detected by her colleagues in the psychiatric clinic.
Until one time, she misused the account of the psychological clinic on Weibo to scold customers, and was discovered by everyone. Everyone slowly understood that the original "Sister Yan", who was usually invincible in work, was firmly controlled by her mother at home and did not have any freedom.
This is typical of suffocating love, which originates when parents do not realize that the child is not a tool, but an independent and complete person with an independent mind.
6. After becoming an adult, you still have to abide by the access control time
After work, Zuo Yan came home late to be interrogated by her mother, who stipulated that she could not return home more than 11 o'clock at night. Zuo Yan admitted that she had been kidnapped by her mother for too long, as if she had Stockholm syndrome and could not change anything at all.
Under the long-term control of parents, children have deformed and developed, want to resist but can not, do not resist and are difficult to be consistent in their hearts.
02.
A life manipulated by parents is the beginning of misfortune
Maybe you have also experienced Zuo Yan's despair and helplessness, maybe each of us is a "Yan sister" in the sleeping garden, in her, you can see the shadow of us and our parents together.
We have been taught from a young age to listen to our parents and be good children, are there many moments in your growth because your parents want to escape? They always want to use their experience to help us avoid pitfalls and shape our values with their values, but the more they impose "for your own good", the more they want us to accelerate our escape.
This violence, in the name of love, is more secretive and becomes a thorn in the human heart, bringing irreversible harm.
Remember that Wang Meng, a high-achieving student at Peking University, did not go home for 12 years, blackmailed his parents for 6 years, and sent a long text of 10,000 words accusing his parents?
Wang Meng has been one of the best in his grades since he was a child, and he is a science student in the college entrance examination of a prefecture-level city in Sichuan, who was admitted to Peking University and became one of the top 50 university graduate students in the United States after graduating from undergraduate.