Recently, I brushed up on several clips from the hit drama "Sleeping Garden":
Zuo Yan, 30 years old, is at ease when working outside and treats people decently.
As soon as I got home, I became a child who didn't seem to be able to do anything.
The clothes must be seen by her mother:
Dietary control, which must be prescribed by her mother:
The schedule is still prescribed by her mother:
Even the opposite sex she came into contact with had to be screened by her mother.
As long as Zuo Yan showed a hint of resistance, her mother threw out a sentence:
"I'm doing everything for your own good, you're doing this to me?"
With just one sentence, she suppressed the emotions she was about to explode and had to act according to her mother's instructions.
Over time, the mother and daughter fell into a vicious circle of communication.
In reality, children like Zuo Yan who face such a problem are not a minority.
A friend of mine tried many times to move out of the house and live alone, but his parents harshly refused.
To this end, she and her parents also had several quarrels.
After several quarrels, she had to dispel this idea, very depressed:
"I don't think I can leave, and to leave is to be filial."
In this way, these adult children always have to live with their parents, and they have to listen to their parents for big things and small things.
From the outsider's point of view, it is the child who cannot be separated from the family.
In fact, their parents cannot do without their children, depriving them of the opportunity to seek independence.
Parents who can't do without their children
The control of these parents over their adult children is what we often call "excessive control."
The reasons for these excessive control, in my opinion, are three.
The first is that parents want to gain control of their children's lives based on their dissatisfaction with their own lives.
Zuo Yan's mother in the play, because she did not have tennis bonus points when she was young, could not go to the university of her choice.
Therefore, she imposed her regrets on Zuo Yan's body, completely disregarded her daughter's wishes, and forced Zuo Yan to learn tennis.
Zuo Yan has completely become an object for her mother to fill in the regrets of life.
The second is that some parents live completely for their children and gradually lose their self-identification.
"Parents love their children, but the plan is far-reaching."
To be a parent is to have an inexhaustible heart.
It's just that there is no need to ignore your own needs for this, or even sacrifice everything to cooperate with your children.
Give up all of yourself for the sake of your children, and tie your life to your children tightly.
This mode of getting along is very unfavorable to children and parents.
The third is that parents will develop "separation anxiety" and fear of no longer being needed.
Separation anxiety is an age-inappropriate and excessive anxiety with the attachment partner, and is one of the most common emotional disorders in preschool children, mostly before the age of 6.
Symptoms are excessive anxiety, fear of separation from parents or other attachments, and reluctance to go to school for fear of separation.
In reality, this separation anxiety is not only the existence of children, parents will actually face this problem.
I brushed up on a news: the first time a dad sent his daughter to kindergarten. After the daughter entered, the father was so anxious that he circled around the door.
After being teased by his mother, his father suddenly broke down emotionally: "When she grows up, will she not use me in the future?" ”
However, in fact, such excessive control, the child does not need it at all.
Sometimes, the more we try to grasp the sand in the palm of our hands, the sand will only slip faster and more.
Similarly, the more you want to trap your child around and protect you, the more you want to escape, the more you want to resist.
Children who are overcontrolled
In such a situation, children who are overly controlled by their parents will mostly go to two extremes.
Or, the child's personality becomes non-committal and unconceived.
Parents have to make up their minds about everything, and they won't make decisions at all.
The most exaggerated thing is the story to be told below.
A young man went on a blind date and brought his mother with him.
Speaking of the bride price, he just said: "If the number is right, I think so." ”
Before he could finish speaking, his mother unceremoniously interrupted: "Then you come to give it." ”
Immediately, my mother gushed in front of the camera: "My family does not give a penny of bride price, the one he talked about before, is disturbed by me, as long as I don't like it, he doesn't want to marry in." ”
Asked the guy himself, he only nodded: "I listen to my mother." ”
The other is that the child becomes rebellious and disobedient to the parents.
The book "Native Family" shares a real case: the girl Sandy, who is in adolescence, is very beautiful.
There are quite a few boys who will talk to her and pursue her. The germination of adolescence, in fact, as long as it is well guided, there will be no problem.
It's just that Sandy's parents used the worst of things: they constantly abused their daughter and tried to brutally cut her off from the other boys.
Sandy developed a rebellious mentality, simply reversed, and as a result, she conceived the child early.
Eventually Sandy had to beat the child off, causing psychological trauma that was difficult to heal.
This rebellion is more like her "revenge" for her parents.
These children are like caged birds, longing for the world outside.
Forcibly depriving them of their yearning for freedom is often counterproductive and ultimately loses both.
Parental love, to learn to separate
British psychologist Sylvia said: "The real success of parents is to separate their children from your life as an independent individual as soon as possible." The sooner this separation, the more successful you will be. ”
This benign separation is exactly what over-controlling parents have to learn.
For parents, I have two pieces of advice:
1. Learn to let go
Children will eventually grow up and eventually start their own families.
As the saying goes: "Water overflows too much, love overflows and kills itself".
Parents should try to let go and give their children a certain amount of space and freedom.
2. Divert your attention
Many times, over-controlled parents can revisit their identities.
You are not just parents, but also children of others, friends of others, partners of others...
There's a lot we can do.
Parents can learn to divert their attention, find their hobbies, and add a little more color to their lives, rather than simply surrounding their children.
This separation also requires the efforts of children, for which I have the following three suggestions:
1. Express yourself and gain the right to speak
Express your thoughts to your parents, communicate with them, and let your parents realize that you are already an adult and have your right to speak at home.
2. Learn to say no and know how to refuse
In the face of things we don't like and don't want, we must bravely reject our parents.
I don't like my parents to point fingers at my life, I don't like my parents interfering too much with my dating and love, I feel that my privacy has been overly interfered with, and so on.
In fact, we can all express it, only in this way, parents will know what we really think.
3. Seek independence
This is the most direct and powerful step.
Or take Zuo Yan in the play, she is already financially independent, and she is fully capable of getting rid of her mother's excessive control.
It's just that she's too immersed in the assumption that her mother will be hurt.
She was with her mother, one overcontrolled, one overly repressed.
Reluctantly living together for a long time will only lose both.
Separation, for parents and children, is certainly cruel.
Although the process is painful, only after the separation is completed can the children embrace their true selves.
Parents, it is also possible to have a second chance in life.
Write at the end
Xu Zidong, a professor at the Department of Chinese at Lingnan University in Hong Kong, said: "One of the essences of true love is to allow the other party to have independent thinking and will, and hope that the other party has an independent personality."
The best family model is actually to be independent of each other and complete with each other.
Between family members and between parents and children, we must maintain a certain sense of boundaries, learn to separate benignly, and do not live together all the time.
Every family member should be allowed to be themselves and live according to their own wishes;
Even if they are different, they can tolerate each other and complete each other.
This is the meaning of love.
Finally, wish everyone, whether you are a child or a parent.
You can be yourself and live as you want.
Author's profile: Single wing, and 5 million people together to upgrade life cognition, this article source: Fushu Life Museum, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, unauthorized, may not be reproduced, infringement will be investigated
Note: The picture source of this article is online, if there is infringement, please contact to delete