Wen | Yiming (Author of Parents' Evolution)
Evolutionary mother: The real love of children is that parents do a good job of themselves, try to lift their children, and let them have the life they want, which is the best love that parents can give their children.
Recently, a video copy written by a mother for her left-behind daughter has made many netizens sad.
"I'm sorry, daughter, for making you a left-behind child. You have grandparents, but your father is only me and your brother, and I don't want your father to work hard in Shenzhen alone.
Mother and brother in the past, your father is tired at least there is spiritual sustenance, you have to study hard at home, in order to be worthy of your father's hard work to earn money to support you."
In the video, the little girl cries pitifully in front of her mother and brother who are about to leave in the car.
The mother took her son to accompany her husband, ruthlessly abandoned her young daughter, and made the reason sound grand.
This is not only a naked preference for sons and daughters, but also feels that she is telling her daughter that her parents have paid a lot and should let her daughter know how to be grateful.
The mother's soft words put a heavy shackle on her daughter's young heart.
In family education, some parents always raise their children with a sense of giving, and the pace of children's growth is getting heavier and heavier.
The stronger the parent's sense of giving, the heavier the child's psychological burden
I saw a story on Zhihu.
A father brought his son to KFC to buy a children's package, and the child loved toys.
When he sat down to eat, the father told his son: "Your meal is Daddy's salary for half a day's hard work." ”
The child was about 7 or 8 years old, and after listening to his father's words, he was silent, quietly put down the toy and began to eat, and slowly chewed the hamburger that he had been expecting for a long time with his head down.
It can be seen that the child's heart should be very uncomfortable.
From the father's point of view, he wants to educate his children to understand the hard work of their parents, the difficulty of making money, the understanding of the economic conditions at home, and hope that the children will understand things as soon as possible.
But as young children, it is difficult to appreciate the intentions of their parents, they will only feel guilty and uneasy.
I have heard a saying: in family education, there are two extremely terrible things, called the sense of giving and the sense of sacrifice.
When children feel indebted to their parents through their parents' words and deeds, they develop strong guilt and a lack of security.
Just like in the TV series "Little Shed", single mother Song Qian often said to her daughter Yingzi: "I gave up how much I wanted to do for you, are you worthy of me?" ”
The huge psychological pressure made Hideko overwhelmed and almost made the move of jumping into the river.
The sense of giving is a super scary thing because it implies a logic: if I give, I should be rewarded equally.
This kind of giving carries demand and control, and it will make the child feel guilty and feel bound.
Psychologist David Elkind said: "The most children need to know is that they are important to their parents and will always be surrounded by love. ”
A child who is convinced that he is unconditionally loved by his parents is confident and full of love at heart, and such a child's happiness is the strongest.
However, parents who have a strong sense of giving have become a heavy shackle for their children.
The stronger the parent's sense of giving, the more they can only speed up the pace of their children's escape
In "Take Dad to Study Abroad", Liu Ruoyu, the accompanying mother played by Liu Mintao, is a mother with a strong sense of giving.
She was a very good brain surgeon, with excellent family conditions and a good career prospect.
But she believes that education abroad is better, so from the age of ten, her son left his family and work to accompany his children to study in the United States.
Life is completely based on Kevin Chen as the core, and most of the children's behavior must be interfered with, so that Chen Kevin has a serious rebellious psychology, often singing against his mother.
The stronger the parent's sense of giving, the more aggrieved the child will live.
His friend Xiao Wang's parents have a small bookkeeping book, from Xiao Wang's birth, school to marriage and buy a house, every money his parents spend for him is written on this small book.
Every time Xiao Wang disagreed with his parents, his parents would take out this small book and count him down: "You see how much money you have spent over the years, if it were not for you..."
Xiao Wang said that whenever he heard such a thing, he was very uncomfortable:
"My parents have paid so much for me, I owe my parents, if I don't obey, I don't meet my parents' expectations, I'm sorry for my parents!" 」
Parents burden their children with a heavy sense of guilt and guilt, forcing them to understand things.
Psychological counselor Li Xue once said: If you feel that you are giving and sacrificing in a relationship, the meaning is "I don't love this relationship.".
Parents disregard their children's feelings, give wishful thinking, and kidnap their children in this way.
As everyone knows, children are the most innocent, they can't get warmth, and they have to face cold and darkness.
The parents' sense of giving can only speed up the pace of children's escape.
Parents who truly love their children will not kidnap them with a "sense of giving"
In the variety show "Teenagers Say", Li Chuhao is a junior high school student, ten years ago, his parents divorced, in order to let his son get a better education, his mother took him to the big city.
But the expensive tuition, living expenses, and accommodation costs in the city are huge expenses and a huge challenge for the mother.
For this family, she worked as a masseuse, a waiter, and when she had to, she put down her face and borrowed money everywhere.
Mom usually spends very little money, and only when the child returns, she will buy some expensive dishes to improve her life.
Speaking of this, the boy shed tears, and as he cried, he shouted:
"Mom, I beg you!" Make up more and buy a few better clothes.
I can cook my own food, buy vegetables, manage my own studies, and I don't envy my rich classmates because I know that I have a mother who loves me very much. ”
Hearing her son's true confession to herself, the mother in the audience was very excited, her eyes were red, and she gently bit her fingers with her teeth.
After the mother calmed down, she did not say that she hoped that her son would study well and must get ahead.
She said to her son:
"In the past ten years, in the eyes of outsiders, everyone thinks that my mother has lived a very hard life, but in fact, my mother has not worked hard at all, because my mother has you."
She silently swallowed all the pain, did not have to be sad to kidnap her son, she was ready to withdraw from his son's world.
Because in her eyes, the child is not an appendage of himself, he has his own world, he has his own life.
Her child is very sensible, and it is difficult for the child to cook a meal for his mother after he knows that he is in college.
So he said gratefully that in the next three years of high school, he would help his mother cook more and share more housework for her mother.
Mothers do not emphasize their own efforts, do not have to sacrifice to kidnap the child, does not mean that the child can not see.
Every parent who truly loves his child will not let his child have a "debt repayment" mentality when he pays.
They think more about how to use their abilities to pave the way for their children to look the best they can be.
Hu Shi wrote in My Son:
"The tree has no heart, and I have no gratitude to you." But since you have come, I cannot but raise you and teach you, that is my duty to humanity, not my kindness to you.
When you grow up in the future, this is what I expect from you: I want you to be a dignified person, not my filial son. ”
Parents who really love their children will understand that children do not have a sense of inferiority and guilt, and will go further.
In fact, parents who live in a sense of giving and sacrifice do not love their children, but their own sense of morality and rights.
Some parents can't put their desperate and helpless selves, so in the name of 'sacrificing themselves for the sake of their children', let the children live in guilt and twisting.
Parents are not a prequel to a child, nor is a sequel to a parent, they are the beginning of another life.
We can give our children love and protect them from thriving, but we can't control their minds and souls and make them what we expect them to be.
To truly love children, it is the parents who do their best, try to lift the children, and let them have the life they want, which is the best love that parents give their children.
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