Recently, the People's Network sent a microblog, originally thought it was a king, but did not expect it to be a bronze.
In the video taken by the little boy's mother, the boy is barefoot, high up erlang's legs to do homework, the mother opens the bag to see, the book is too bad to pick up, as soon as you pick up the book, it will scatter.
As a result, on the first page of the book, the boy actually wrote these big words: "Target Tsinghua Peking University." ”
The mother said bluntly: "Usually I don't obey, and my studies are not good, but my goal is still so ambitious." I can't believe it."
It can be seen that children usually belong to "debauchery and love freedom", the reason why parents feel that they dare not believe it, but also feel that such self-control, talking about Tsinghua Peking University, is convincing?
Children without self-control really worry their parents.
The same is true of Catherine Lewis, an American family education expert, who has 3 children, and once a Harvard school bully has become helpless in front of her children, which has driven her to make research on family education, and after a lot of research and practice, she has proposed a feasible way to improve children's self-control.
She wrote "No Reward, No Punishment - How to Give Difficult Children Self-Control".
As the author of the best-selling book How to Make Children Adults and Adults put it: "If you are raising a head-wrenching child, this book is your must-read; if you are eager to teach children how to regulate their own behavior and ultimately succeed on their own, then this book will certainly inspire you." ”
Once popular scolding education can not make children gain self-control, it is time to demand a better way of education, not only will not hurt children, but also enable children to have self-control, this book to pass on our educational methods, both scientific and practical, worth learning.
1. The times change, resulting in poor self-control of children
In 2003, Russian psychologists Sminova and Gudreva conducted a study showing that children's self-control is now much lower than it was 55 years ago.
The study looked at how long a child can hold up as a sentry to judge a child's self-control.
Four- and five-year-olds can stay still for only one-third of the time of their peers in 1948, while six- and seven-year-olds can stand still for an average of 3 minutes, and in the 40s, children of the same age can maintain an average of 12 minutes.
Peter Gray, a professor at Boston University, said: "Human children are born to learn by play, and whether physical, intellectual, or emotional development needs to be promoted by play." ”
After analyzing the behavior habits of 1200 children, the scientists found that before the age of 3, the average time spent watching TV per week increased by 1 hour, and the probability of attention problems increased by 10% at the age of 7, which is applicable to any race and gender.
Television devices can not only cause a child's attention deficit, but also can cause mood disturbances, making it impossible for the child to control his emotions.
The author proposes that self-control is ultimately self-management ability, that is, the ability to control one's own impulses, emotions, thoughts and behaviors.
In the third grade, Elis was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder and anxiety, but at this time, her mother, Susan, still believes that after-school classes cannot be stopped, because the children of the neighbors around them are using their leisure time to attend classes, and their own children cannot be left behind.
Merrcongus believes that the pressure of schoolwork and extracurricular activities is also the reason for the poor self-control of children.
Children do not have time to do housework, to do other things that interest them, which also leads to fewer and fewer things that children can control on their own, and everything is done by their parents.
Peter Gray believes: "Today's society has destroyed the childhood of children, and children are more or less being directed, supervised and protected by adults to live their lives. They don't have the opportunity to practice arranging what they have to do, how to negotiate rules with their friends, because adults are everywhere and take care of these things for their children. ”
The pervasiveness of electronic devices, the increase in the pressure of children's schoolwork, and the lack of opportunities for children to play games outside the classroom, these three reasons lead to children's self-control being worse than our generation, children seem to be more and more disobedient, and the way we receive education when we are young has been unable to make children more excellent and successful.
2. The way rewards and punishments are given does not help with self-control
The author's second and oldest children, more extroverted, the two to eight or nine years old, when eating, still can not guarantee to sit and eat and then go to play, but while eating, while playing with the puppy, or run to let hug.
The younger daughter does not wear clothes after bathing, does not like to brush her teeth, does not go to bed on time, does not want to wear shoes to school, in short, changes the method to create difficulties, that is, does not follow the parents' ideas, and the second directly refuses to arrange various activities.
She read the family education books and used these methods on her disobedient children, such as: sticking small red flowers, penalty stations, counting three numbers, etc., but these methods are also temporary and effective.
During this time, at night, it is the author's most difficult time, either she cries or the child is crying.
Of course, the way parents punish their children is not only punishment station, but even more verbal abuse and beating of children.
Mingde Wang, a psychology professor at the University of Pittsburgh, did a study in which verbal abuse and yelling were of no use to improving children's behavior.
A follow-up visit to 1,000 adolescent children the following year found that those who were verbally reprimanded were more likely to do things out of the ordinary and more likely to show symptoms of depression.
The educational effect of hitting a child is similar to that of scolding a child, which is useless in the long run, but will increase the resistance to the child's growth.
Scolding only puts the child into fight or flight mode, when the higher-order parts of the brain can't function at all, which means that they can't learn anything from this mistake.
Reward is also a method that parents often use in our lives, and unlike punishment, it is used to perpetuate good behavior.
There is such a thing around me, as long as the child gives money as long as the test is good, the child will make efforts in order to buy his favorite gift, but with the passage of time, the child's motivation continues to weaken, even if you are saying money to the child, he is indifferent.
Finally, I had a conversation with the child, and the child said, "Isn't learning for money?" I don't have anything I want to buy lately, do I still need to work on it? ”
As written on the cover of the book: "Today's children need to learn to be independent and take responsibility more than ever, and traditional means of punishment and reward prevent this." ”
Rewards will make children put motivation on the reward itself, rather than from the heart, when the external motivation is detached, the child will have no motivation, such self-control can not last.
The punishment will hit the child's self-esteem and self-confidence, divert the focus, the child does not learn useful knowledge from the mistake, but will make them feel that only by hiding the mistake can they avoid the punishment of the parents.
3. Establish an "apprenticeship model"
There is a saying on the Internet: "Self-control is the ability to control one's own heart." Only when a person conquers his own heart can he conquer the outside world. So, with self-control, you can have power and you deserve to have power. ”
A child's self-control determines the child's future potential, and a child without self-control is easily tied up by the trivialities around him, unable to regulate his own behavior, and doing things halfway.
Apprenticeship parenting has four key steps
1. Sincere links
According to scientific research, if you establish an emotional link with your child, you can stimulate the problem-solving part of your child's brain, which will help the child calm down and improve self-control.
You can use the "Boston Five Factors" to build links with your child: maximize love and control stress; talk to your child, sing, and point with your finger; count, group, and compare; and tell your child stories.
2. Active communication; less command, no all-taking, empathetic listening.
Camilla's children are a mess at home as long as they are at home, and she can't even like her own children, and the children will only fight against her.
She and her husband both tried every means to get the children to sleep on time, both were orders and threats, often exhausted, and the next day the children's late rise would cause the couple to be late for work.
After learning the "apprenticeship" parenting style, Camilla will go to the child's room every night to ask them about the happy and unhappy things of the day, and let the child say what is doing well and what needs to be improved.
This kind of daily briefing friend-like sharing has brought the couple and the child closer, the child no longer resists them, begins to actively cooperate with the couple, and sleeps and gets up without letting the couple their hearts.
We always feel that children do not understand anything, so we are accustomed to ordering children, but only children who are respected will actively cooperate, and only when we analyze from the perspective of children in an equal identity will children be convinced.
3. Improve self-management skills: Let children learn to solve problems
Josiah's family's life is always orderly, son Sealand after eating snacks, began to take the initiative to start writing homework, no need for parents to urge, daughter Scarlett with scissors to open nuts, with yogurt and oatmeal, as their own dinner.
Subsequently, the daughters would help the mother fold clothes, their son would start a fire when he was 2 years old, and both children could properly arrange their lives and studies.
A child has self-control, because the parents give the child the opportunity to exercise self-control, if the child does not have the ability to solve the problem, then it is bound to rely on the parents for everything, and there is no self-control.
Therefore, give children more opportunities to try and make mistakes, and exercise children's self-care and other abilities.
4. Establish boundaries and regulate children's behavior
On the first day of the summer vacation, the author's daughter Maddy yelled at her mother, because the family set rules and could not use electronic products if they did not complete the housework and homework.
However, the daughter picked up the tablet early in the morning, so the author put away the electronic products, and reiterated that the rules and corresponding punishments were set at that time, and if the rules were violated, they could not play electronic products for a day.
This caused her daughter to be dissatisfied, but surprisingly, it did not take long for her to regulate her emotions, apologize to her mother, and then follow the rule even more.
Establishing contact with children cannot lose the bottom line, we must not cultivate spoiled bear children, and rules will bring a sense of security to children.
When children develop the habit of following the rules, their self-control ability is also improved.
American educator Jane Nelson wrote in her book Positive Discipline: "When adults remember to make sure to pass on the message of love to their children, they will not only achieve positive results, but also experience more happiness." ”
Positive education methods bring positive educational results, in the same way negative ways will only bring negative, with scientific parenting methods, in order to raise capable, excellent quality children.
Learning scientific parenting is not a waste of time, but a time-saving, and there will be fewer detours in the process of parenting.