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Do you depend on your object when you're in love? To what extent will it depend? With the enlightenment of people's thinking, sister-brother love has become a very normal phenomenon, and it is not surprising that men are 5 to 10 years older than women.
In fact, many people's mate selection criteria will carry a little shadow of their own mother, whether men or women, looking for a spouse, in fact, looking for someone who can play the role of a mother. And the love you crave is actually a projection of your childhood relationship with your mother.
The above mention is not to find a person who looks like his mother, nor to find a person with a temperament similar to his mother, but to say that in such a relationship, the other party can play a person similar to his mother's role.
The famous British psychologist Winnett first proposed the theory and method of "becoming an excellent mother and giving the best upbringing to her children".
After a lot of research, Winnett found that when a child is born and grows to 6 months, the most need comes from the mother's love, and it is full of love, at this stage, the mother can find some of the child's subtle needs.
During this time, the mother's care and continuous giving will cause the child and the mother to establish different degrees of attachment relationship.
The so-called attachment relationship refers to a social connection that can induce positive emotions. The attachment relationship established with the mother is the first social relationship established in the individual's life, and this social relationship radiates to the child's future friendship style, that is, the model chosen by the person in the future social relationship.
Attachment can allow children to reach pleasant emotions from normal emotions, and can also comfort children's negative emotions and achieve an emotional neutralization.
In addition, the attachment patterns of all people in infancy will directly affect the patterns and tendencies of the person to interact with others as adults.
Winnett notes that most people's attachment patterns in infancy can be divided into the following four types:
Secure attachment model: positive and healthy, mutual trust
Avoidance attachment model: Estranged, cold, and avoidant
Paradoxical attachment model: Rejection of proximity and fear of alienation
Chaotic attachment model: Dependent needs are extremely volatile
The cultivation and establishment of these relationships is mostly done by the mother, and the results of the study of the relationship between infants and fathers show that before the age of 3, the relationship between individuals and fathers is usually more ordinary, and fathers usually appear as appendages of mothers, so some children will have hostile feelings towards their fathers when they are young.
For example, most boys have the idea of beating their fathers and monopolizing their mothers when they are young, and many young boys even have the idea of "when I grow up, I will marry my mother". People similar to their mothers are also the earliest criteria for many boys to choose a mate.
Therefore, this concept of "me and you" in the relationship with the mother will affect the concept of "me and you" in the child's future relationship.
Everyone dreams of having an intimate relationship, hoping that the other party can be infinitely compatible with themselves, and when the other party does not meet their expectations, we will inevitably feel angry, disappointed and frustrated.
What kind of attachment type you form with your mother in infancy, and what kind of spouse you will find when you grow up. For example, people with secure attachment will mostly choose to be with positive people, well-behaved, perfect personality, and high morals, they like to pursue the life they want, and they will be kind to others in life and get along with others more harmoniously.
Children who form unhealthy attachment types in childhood, when they grow up, always feel that their objects cannot give them enough security when they are in love.
What's more, they will be hurt again and again by scumbags. Because people instinctively choose attachment patterns that already exist when they are in love, and they are more familiar with themselves.
The famous psychologist Freud also once mentioned that in all the behaviors of individuals, the shadow of childhood can be found.
Love is a kind of correction of the attachment relationship of the individual in childhood, during that period, the more people lack something, the more they will pursue something, the more they value something.
To sum up, many people are relatively naïve in love, will put forward some unreasonable requirements to their partners, and even deliberately create some unnecessary contradictions.
In fact, these problems are all for one reason, that is, when everyone is in love, looking for someone who can play the role of mother.
- The End -
Author | Tommy
Edit | Rain
The First Psychological Writing Group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
参考资料：Vogel, D. L., & Wester, S. R. (2003). To seek help or not to seek help: The risks of self-disclosure. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 50(3), 351.