Previous Article, Why Do Children Rebel, Disobey, and Fight Against Their Parents? Because he wants to do what he said, every child is a seed, and whether the seed is solid and full depends on whether the parents are willing to abide by the underlying logic and are willing to treat the child as an independent individual.
From the moment the child is born, the identity of this independent individual is predestined, and with this identity, there is a series of parenting activities to be carried out and imposed.
For example, for a newborn child, although he can't speak, has little ability, no self-awareness, and often cries, needs 24-hour online care from his parents.
But even so, he is an independent individual and needs his parents to give him enough respect when they take care of and nurture him.
When he was hungry, his mother appeared in front of him for the first time and fed him;
When he peed, his mother appeared in front of him for the first time and changed his diaper;
When he was sleepy, his mother coaxed him to sleep for the first time;
When he wants to interact with his mother, his mother captures his needs for the first time and casts a gentle gaze;
.......
In the process of being respected and treated as an independent individual, the child not only digests the milk, but also sees in the attitude and eyes of the mother - it turns out that I am such a beautiful person.
This feeling forms the child's initial sense of security and also makes the child full of trust in the world.
When he grows up, he will see this child confident, sunny, and feel that the world has always been kind to him.
Naturally, he will also give back to others and society with kindness.
On the other hand, if the mother does not regard the child as an independent individual, but only as a "test object", as another thing, does not respect him, feeds him not out of instinctive love, but "does experiments" according to the script.
According to the so-called "scientific feeding" rules in the book, fixed-point feeding, fixed-point coaxing, crying without hugging, waking up, ignoring the needs of the child, training the child into his ideal appearance: to eat at the point, to sleep at the point, not to cry or make trouble, obedient, well-behaved, sensible, independent, not to add trouble to parents.
There is no doubt that the child raised in this way must be incomplete and flawed.
On the surface, the child is a "very good" child, but he does not have his own real "inner".
This becomes a "hidden disease", which occurs from time to time in his later growth and affects his development in other aspects.
Of course, parents who follow this parenting style are only a small number, and most parents, in the process of raising children, will not be so extreme.
But do not treat the child as an independent subject, do not focus on the child's needs and consciousness, but instead think of their own "good for the child" idea, but most parents do.
The most prominent thing is that parents will think that if the child is the mainstay and respects the child, it is to indulge the child, spoil the child, spoil the child, the child will be lawless, and the parent will lose his prestige.
There is a misunderstanding here, if the child is really regarded as an independent subject, it will respect each other's boundaries and rules, just like the interaction between adults.
Parents have parental boundaries, children have children's boundaries, mutual respect, and jointly maintain each other's boundaries, so there will be no children violating the boundaries of their parents, breaking the rules, and there will be no coddling, indulgence, and lawlessness.
If the child has a coddling performance, parents need to reflect on whether they are in front of the child and have not maintained their own bottom line.
In fact, coddling is also a manifestation of disrespect for the child, disrespecting him as an independent individual, while enjoying his rights, he also enjoys his responsibilities and the rules that he should abide by.
Children who lack the underlying logic conditions have a fragile sense of subjectivity, lack of independent consciousness and security, and cannot form the feeling of "I am good", "my mother is good", and "the world is good".
They are like small or empty seeds, neither confident nor full of distrust and hostility toward the outside world.
The most important thing is that the child will show a "hollow" state, want to do something, but often can't do it, lack of "heart energy".
The child carries this incomplete state of childhood, grows step by step, and at a certain stage, it will be presented to the parents in the form of a "problem".
Even some children, growing up, this state of incompleteness still plays a role.
Psychologist Winnicott famously said:
When a mother sees her child as clay in her hand, desperately squeezing it, and thinking that she must be responsible for the result, she is very wrong.
If you feel this way, you will be overwhelmed by an excessive burden, because it is not your responsibility at all.
If you can accept that "the baby is a thriving little life", you can respond to his request while calmly standing on the side to enjoy the growth of the baby and have fun from it.