Marriage hurts because people neither love nor get along. Whether people love each other before marriage or not, they cannot determine their fate after marriage. This clearly says that loving each other and getting along are two different things, just as love and marriage are two concepts. Therefore, since you have entered the marriage and have the need to repair the marriage, you must seriously study the following courses:
1. Learn to reflect. One of the pains of modern people is that they are busy chasing and neglecting to reflect.
The marriage relationship exposes that once we are unhappy, we will spread peace to each other and lack the awareness to look inward. When the marriage begins to quarrel, it is already reminding both parties to reflect: you are using self-righteous "right" to denounce the mistake of thinking that the other party is "wrong". Being too reasonable in marriage is a sword that hurts feelings. The rational interaction mode itself shows that both sides want to "redeem" each other, and they are both borrowing the sword of reason and poking at each other, and both sides are persecutors. As long as one side can first shut up the reason, the battle of reasoning cannot be fought. In many things, it is possible to "put down the butcher's knife and become a Buddha", not to mention that the partner he/she is by no means the enemy that we should attack in our lives.
2. Separation illusion. This is another profound reflection question: marriage is a generational original family, and the dissatisfaction we have accumulated and suppressed in the past will be successfully transferred to marriage, and continue to vent unconsciously and play a role; in the same way, the ideal illusions created by our past experiences will be unconsciously thrown to or expected of the marriage partner.
In another way, the reason why a partner can't get along well is because I feel that the other person's "traits, preferences" hurt me. This is actually much more of our own, and we have frustrated our self-needs after idealizing the other party. The real source of harm is the weakness of the self-psychological container, which cannot bear the special existence of others. The childishness of people in relationships is like the proverbial saying "no food to eat the strange basket".
Therefore, if the marriage does not hurt each other, it must be the projection of each withdrawing "giving or even forcing the other according to their own will".
3. Learn to accept and give up. This is both the realm of intimacy and the art of all relationships.
What to accept?
It is said that there are no two people who are exactly the same in the world, and difference is the essence of man. And the hurt in our marriage is often caused by the inability of the two parties to be different.
The way out to avoid marital hurts, then, should be: accept the difference.
If your problem is: easy to say, hard to do. Then you still have to reflect, why is it difficult to do? What's the hard part? And why accept the difference? The reason for this is simple: we want marriage and happiness. With this reason, it is your responsibility to learn the art of getting along: recognize differences first, and then allow them to be accepted.
What to give up?
The separation of any marriage is not a sudden decision. Some people say that people's hearts are slowly getting cold, the leaves are gradually turning yellow, and the story is stopping and stopping to write the ending. And the love in the relationship is because there are too many disappointments, it becomes unlove. The true essence of the phrase "love breeds hate" reflects that people are selfish and love is conditional. So people always repeat hate: you let me down, I hate you. But behind this, what is the disappointment?
It is not difficult to think of the greed of the human heart, and the dream that we cling to when we are young that never disappears--unconditional love for me. It's not hard to imagine that to repair a hurt marriage, we need a kind of abandonment, giving up the dream of absolutely loving me for our partner.
4. Learn to be a wise person in relationships
I always feel that the premise of repairing intimate relationships is that I can talk to my own shadow about a relationship. What this means is that one can first love oneself, including one's own flaws, before one can truly love others.
To learn to be wise, you must first humbly visit your own heart: What did you contribute in marriage? What role did you play? Could you be a victim or a persecutor, a victim or a complainer? Are you controlling whom with love, or are you loving someone with hate? What are your real needs, and what does the other person need? What can you do to meet your own and each other's needs?
To learn to be a wise person in a relationship is to let go of the desire for the other person to love me, and strive to make yourself a person worthy of love.
You can also learn the "principle of getting along" of the wise: do not do to others what you do not want, and give what you can; repay the favor and accept the differences; respect the defects and appreciate the advantages; have independent attachment, and have the coexistence of boundaries.
5. There are many lessons to get along with, and there are many ways to heal injured marriages, and it is difficult for us to do them all.
At the end of the day, marriage is a school that contains a rich and profound knowledge of the humanities, where you could have cultivated and grown. However, whether or not you have learned something and whether you can grow up does not depend on the nobility of the marriage school, but on the level of people's learning ability.
The weakness of human nature is destined to experience different degrees of harm in intimate relationships.
Looking back at our injured relationship, we found that what really hurt us was not the weakness we had, but our rejection, hatred, and intolerance of weakness. Therefore, the way to avoid harm, or to really repair harm, is destined to be the "art of getting along" path mentioned above.