We know that the first sign of maturity is a stable understanding of oneself, and not to be overwhelmed by the praise of others, nor to be discouraged by the depreciation of others.
The confusion of people, then, can be described as follows: their emotional state is a stable cycle of anxiety and depression; on the expression, the brow tightens without a smile, or the calm and indifferent without expression, such as the old age without interest, or the precocious maturity of self-confusion; the personality is timid, sensitive, hesitant, procrastinating, suffering from gain and loss.
Haiming, a boy in his senior year, has excellent grades from childhood to adulthood, and has a well-behaved personality, and in the past year, he has been controlled by anxiety, and suddenly feels that he does not know himself, and feels confused and panicked. I'm about to graduate but I don't know what I like, what can I do? I don't know why, I suddenly hate learning but I am afraid of this feeling. He has some obsessive-compulsive weirdness: Where did I come from? Why should I study a major I don't like? Why...... The more he thought about it, the more he couldn't figure it out, the more he didn't want to think about it, the more he thought about it, and he was afraid that he wanted to go crazy.
An unspeakable mental anguish can also be mediated by bodily suffering. In addition to a variety of physical symptoms, accidents can also occur, and we must discern the implications of abuse, self-aggression, and self-punishment. Unless suffering finds the support of reproduction, so that it can say, "Here is pain," this suffering is unspeakable and irreparable. Haiming has said that he has been "unable to speak" about the dissatisfaction or rejection of others since he was a child, and he does not know why.
First of all, we see that children have negative emotions in their hearts and reject the ideas of others, but why can't these feelings come out? Guess what he thinks is. Experience tells us that if you dare not say what you would like to say, you must be sensitive to the danger of "wanting to" it. For a well-behaved child, who does not dare to be true to himself, must be controlled by a very powerful voice, or held hostage by a powerful other.
Haiming's phenomenon is found in many people, especially anxious depressed patients, even if they are in a superior environment, they feel threatened, even if they harvest achievements, but they feel weak excitement, and they are mostly worried about the unknown and the future.
The characteristics of these well-behaved children are actually their confusion about their own direction. About who I am, how I feel, where I should go... It's all confused.
I would like to say that confusion is the repression of autonomy and the confusion of self-justification; obedience is a beautiful aura of "lack of autonomy and self-justification", also called a defense against fear that is not good, or that there is no self. The bottom layer of these results is the critical period of their growth, and normal aggression is suppressed.
The aggression that a child should be is an element of independent, and autonomous ability. The lack of self-reliance of well-behaved children is that their early generation environment has no relevant nutrients. Just like the north grade belt, it is impossible to produce graceful begonias or roses. The unconscious possessiveness and control of the parent is like a powerful catalyst, hypnotizing the creativity and autonomy that the child should have.
Worrying is an unconscious sin
Behind the confusion is the same relationship background – the concerns of the caregiver.
To sum up this context in one sentence: Because we are worried about your future, everything we do is for your own good. In Chinese families, the power of this relationship background is as thick as a mountain.
The caregiver is completely unaware that "being good for you" is purely their own experience, and they have no regard for what the child's feelings and needs are, and there is no awareness of the child's own experience and regulation of behavior. For example, for children around the age of 5 years old, how much they dress and eat (the perception of warmth and hunger), parents completely decide or force the child to wear and how much to eat with the "right" self-belief. In this long-term parenting model, children naturally lack self-feeling about cold and warmth, as well as the sense of love and hate symbolized by cold and warm.
"For your own good" is a love that the child cannot refuse, the child can only accept the kindness of the parents no matter what, and "resistance" means that you are not obedient. "For your own good" almost perfectly masks the parent's fragile self, the constant fear that he (actually himself) will be bad.
Where do parents get so much "afraid" and "worried"? This is undoubtedly because the parents did not gain enough recognition and trust in the early days, or experienced all kinds of uneasy fears, such as the tension of being forbidden, the fear of being denied, the fear of being punished, and so on.
Parents' worries will turn into a controlling effort to "do well for your children": to give you the best material conditions and to sweep away all the risks on the road to growth for you. In this way, "worry" replaces trust in the child and the child's self-feelings. "For your own good" robs children of the opportunity to learn to take responsibility and have a sense of competence.
Confused children grow up safely under the care of all the way. For parents, it is their selfless love, and for the growth of children, it is a controlled harm. Thus, the "good for you under fear" of the caregiver is the unconscious sin of passing on self-anxiety, desires, and aggression against the autonomy of others in the guise of perfection.
Many times, we see the helpless faces of the well-behaved children, very helpless and very distressed.
We often see that adolescent children in the important exams, either have headaches or love diarrhea, or will always find a stubble "love" to transfer schools, or fall into the online world as soon as they enter the home... These are all manifestations of aggressive repression, or a disguised counter-attack on parents and authority control.
Therefore, it is worth reflecting on: why is childhood important, and why is your parents' personality attitude important? In its simplest understanding, a child's worldview is influenced by the worldview of the other. For example, the feelings and attitudes towards "sex", are feelings necessary for lust and shame that are seen as dirty, or are they naturally beautiful human nature? It depends on the custodian's teaching. In the early days when the child has no judgment of right and wrong, what ideas you keep giving her, he will remember and internalize what, what emotions and emotional reactions you continue to interact with her, and what emotions and emotional reactions she will experience and learn.
Speaking of image points, the depressed face of a well-behaved child is a reproduction of the depressed quality of parents, "the child looks like you". The confused face of a well-behaved child is a strong reflection of the parents, and the child's self-confidence is weakened, "he is not like you at all."
Reflecting on this, if "two lifetimes, two births, three births, and three births" is the truth of the world, then to become a mature and capable social person, people must have the same aggression and creativity as "three". For this is the basis on which a person produces other abilities, just as the foundation of the earth is the foundation of the house and the boat is the basis of navigation. Most crucially, man can only be called capable of possessing this basic ability if his aggression and creativity in his infancy were protected and satisfied. Unfortunately, we see in many well-behaved children that their basic sexual ability was sacrificed by the "great sacrifice" of the parents as early as childhood.