"If parents don't love their children enough, their children will feel pain, but excessive coddling, although it is a great emotion, will destroy their children."
—Soviet educator Makarenko
The honey given by parents becomes an arsenic cream that poisons children
In 2010, the film "Sin Love" was filmed and toured in Henan, and the male protagonist of this film was called "the world's first lazy man".
His name is Yang Suo, he is 23 years old, he does not go out to work, does not wash clothes, does not work, even the villagers hang meat and vegetables on the eaves, let the stink Yang Suo do not cook to eat, and finally, Yang Suo starved to death in a cold winter.
In fact, looking back at Yang Suo's childhood, you will find that his absurd behavior can be traced back to his deceased parents.
"When Yang Suo was 8 years old, his parents still carried them with their burdens when they went out and did not let him walk."
"After going to school, Yang Suo did not do his homework, the teacher criticized it, and his parents found the school."
"Such a big man, you give him food to eat, he still wants you to feed it directly into his mouth"
The parents' unprincipled doting on Yang Suo made Yang Suo lose his basic ability to survive, and with the death of his parents, Yang Suo gradually moved towards a laughable tragedy.
Love and moderation are the best life gifts for children
Some people ask, can't parents love their children unconditionally? Of course not.
Loving children is human instinct, psychologist Maslow divided human needs into five levels, of which the need for love is an important level of need. It is natural for parents to love their children, and this love is irreplaceable by any other love.
Research by William Hamilton in the 1960s showed that all animals favor their relatives and are willing to give up a large number of resources one-way to genetic relatives.
Similarly, children need to feel that they are loved by their parents.
Because only one person knows that his parents' love for him is unconditional, long-term and stable, such a child can complete a higher degree of self-construction, and the low sense of need (high sense of security) in the outside world will help him form a more confident personality.
But some parents confuse this unconditional love with unconditional giving.
Unconditionally arranging some of the child's belongings, giving the child the most material wealth, and giving him unconditional connivance are only "giving", so that the child is always in a state of passive acceptance, which is external and empty.
Therefore, children who have been coddled for a long time will have the characteristics of "external strength and middle cadre", which looks domineering and arbitrary on the surface, but most of them have weak willpower, lack of self-confidence, and low self-efficacy.
At the same time, long-term self-centeredness makes it difficult for them to think from the perspective and position of others, which also develops their selfish personality and inability to establish good interpersonal relationships.
When children are still young, parents can let children grow up "happily" in coddling, but once children go to school and society, they will find it difficult for them to communicate with others, cannot perform well in learning and work, and even have difficulty taking care of themselves.
Liu Siqi, the city protagonist of "Metamorphosis", was born in 2001 at the age of 16, and still needs her parents to take turns to dress her every morning, and she also needs to be fed by her mother and grandmother when eating at home.
In line with the concept of "girls should be rich", Liu Siqi, the "little princess" who has been proud and indulged since childhood, not only spends tens of thousands of dollars at every turn, but also speaks ill of her parents and fights with her brother every day.
Her parents also realized that they had completely lost control of their daughter, so they decided to send her to the "Metamorphosis" crew to reform.
Love and coddling, how to grasp the difference between the line
1. "Absolutely" allow the child to be harmed
I remember when I was attending the parent-teacher conference at the beginning of the kindergarten, a psychological counseling agency was invited to the kindergarten to give a trial lecture in the parent class.
A mother complained that her child was not independent enough, that she was four years old and had to be fed, that she did not clean up her toys after playing, and that she had to cry every day in kindergarten...
The instructor asked, "Have you ever had your child try to do these things independently?" ”
The mother replied: "Of course, there is, but he always picks everywhere every time he eats, and when he doesn't have enough to eat, he just randomly pushes the toys to the corner, and when he goes again, he will trip up, so later I will do these things myself." ”
The lecturer asked again: "Do you mean that every time he doesn't do well, you directly do it for him?" ”
The mother said: "Not exactly, he can't do it well, I can only help him finish it."
Later, the lecturer explained that the reason for the child's lack of independence may come from the mother herself, because the mother is reluctant to let the child be hurt a little, but helps the child to complete all his tasks.
Not successfully accomplishing one thing for a long time will make the child think that he does not have the ability to successfully complete something (low self-efficacy), which may be the root cause of the child's lack of independence, and the mother's long-term "bottom-up behavior" makes him not want to do better.
At this time, it may not be the child who needs to change the most, but the mother.
2. Say no to the child "absolutely"
Many parents have actually realized that their children are "spoiled" by themselves, but whenever they start to change, they are faced with the child's crying, crying, and in the child's hoarse crying, parents choose to compromise again.
Wittgenstein, one of the founders of the philosopher of analysis, said: "When you say no to your child, you have to be like a wall, not like a door." ”
The brother's son was always procrastinating in writing homework, often did not complete the homework on time, and his parents were reluctant to punish, which caused him to become more and more lazy in learning, so he specially consulted a university education professor.
The professor told him that in fact, the problem is very easy to solve, you only need to work with your child to make rules, ask the child what time to complete the homework, but parents can only provide tutoring help at six o'clock in the afternoon to the starting point, because parents have a lot of other things to do besides tutoring your homework.
It is important to establish time together, which directly determines whether the child is a passive recipient or an active participant in this rule.
The second is to strictly implement the rules, which is the core, and once the rules are determined, they cannot be easily changed or overturned. It is appropriate to let the child understand that his crying will not make you compromise, and maybe the previous few times will be a little troublesome, but it will certainly be effective to stick to it for a long time.
In addition, there is a need to maintain consistency in homeschooling.
Now the children are mostly only children, the family structure is also mostly based on "4 + 2 + 1", in this family structure, the grandparents are easy to help the child break the rules because of the pain of the child, which requires cooperation with their parents to help the child establish good habits.
3. "Desperately" let the child bear the consequences independently
The last step of parental desperation is to learn to let the child bear the consequences of his own actions independently, following the previous example of "tutoring the child's homework", if the child is breaking the rules, is unwilling to complete the homework within the time specified by the common, then what should the parents do?
In fact, the best thing for parents is to do nothing.
If the child does not complete the homework on time, he will naturally be criticized by the class teacher and the classroom teacher, which is the consequence he should bear, and after the consequences are borne, the parents will give guidance and reminders.
"Last time you kept playing, you missed the time when your parents helped you complete your homework, and then you cried, and your parents didn't help you, so you didn't finish your homework, and the teacher criticized you, right?"
"Mom knows you're sad, but it's the time you agreed with Mom before, isn't it?" So today we open the homework on time and help you to finish it quickly? ”
It is often said that the best way to raise a child is "peaceful and firm", "peaceful" is a manifestation of love, and "firm" has a taste of desperation.
But only this "desperate feeling" can make their children form an independent and sound personality, so as to generate strength from within to resist the wind and rain in life.