The girlfriend cried late at night after yelling at the child: The mother is not a bad temper, the mother is just too tired

Author:Box (Parents Intensive Reading Author)

Last night, a phone call from my girlfriend made me feel very uncomfortable.

When the child takes a bath, he has been clamoring to play with the water, and it is the nature of the child to play with the water.

But the girlfriend was busy with the work of the day, tired, and did not stop yelling at the child:

"Why is it always like this, can you understand your mother, I don't understand things at all, how did I give birth to a daughter like you?"

The little girl was confused, did not make a sound, obediently put on her clothes, ran into the room and fell asleep.

But it was difficult for my girlfriend to calm down, and she asked me: "Why did the good temper disappear after having a child?" Why do you know that it is wrong to yell at a child, but you still can't help it? ”

I comforted her that as a parent, there are always many challenges, and it is inevitable that there will be times when emotions are out of control.

A study by Murray Strauss, a sociology doctor, showed that 90% of parents said they had ever yelled at their children.

There are many deep psychological reasons behind the roaring child, and only by reading the reasons behind it can we adjust their behavior in a targeted manner and help the child grow better.

Behind the roar is a projection of one's own anxiety

Before, Jiang Xin posted a text remembering the first anniversary of the broadcast of "Little Shede" and asked everyone if they remembered tian Yulan, who often annoyed people?

The drama "Little Shed" has been hotly discussed since it was broadcast, and the picture of Tian Yulan yelling at her son many times has become a negative teaching material that is often mentioned in the mother group.

There is a plot in which the mother and son run to a distant place to go to the cram school in the face of heavy wind and rain, because they cannot withstand the pressure of running on the axis, the child sits on the ground and collapses and shouts:

"Don't go, I won't go again, I don't want to go to this broken class!"

In the face of his son's pressure, Tian Yulan's roar can be described as hoarse: "Why are you so ignorant, and your mother is not with you enough?" What else do you want from your mother? ”

Poking at the heart, slapping himself while roaring, the collapsed Ziyou faced such an excited mother and sat paralyzed on the ground.

Looking back at this process, it is not difficult to find that all this is just a projection of Tian Yulan's own dream of cultivating a top-notch son when it is on the verge of shattering.

She was anxious that her son would not be able to suppress the crowd at the family dinner, so as soon as she came home, she shouted loudly, "Hurry into the house and write your homework!" ”

She was anxious that she could not win the respect of her in-laws through her son, so as soon as she saw her son playing with insects, she shouted, "If you don't study hard, what if you can't pass the Hanlin exam, you are not allowed to play."

She was anxious that she could not open the gap with her sister who worked at the same company through her son, so the child did not want to go to the training class and yelled: "Mom is so hard, it is not for you, you let me down too much." 」 “

And she forgot that her son was still just a primary school student, just a child.

Stanford University once did a study of 100 depressed people and found that 46 people with depression, mainly due to the way parents are educated in childhood.

Most of their parents scolded and yelled at them, causing them to become extremely depressed.

Zi You in the play, in the end, there are some problems in the spirit, which are placed in real life, which are beyond regret.

So, let go of anxiety, stop yelling, and be for kids also for themselves.

Calm parents, it is easier to raise peaceful children

Remember the mother Who sent all three of her sons to Stanford, Chen Meiling?

Looking at her social accounts, even if the children have now established a family, they still see them playing games together, traveling together, and enjoying the family together.

Chen Meiling once held many parenting lectures and wrote her own parenting scriptures into books.

Throughout the process of her becoming a mother, compared with the chickens and dogs of other families, she is always unhurried, calm, and live very elegantly.

Everyone asked for her secrets, and she would always smile and say, "Raising children is to maintain a good attitude." ”

In Chen Meiling's story, once she was cooking in the kitchen, and her son was clamoring to see the rainbow.

Perhaps in these busy moments, some mothers will say that their children do not understand things.

Chen Meiling not only did not yell at the child, but immediately turned off the fire and played with the child.

She said she would consider from the perspective of her children, what kind of mother do they need at this moment?

Which is the most important thing? Rather than eating later, the child needs a mother who can explore with him.

Thinking like this, what reason is there not to calmly put down the spatula?

Her calm, not impatient, let the children have a sense of security, let the children know that the mother will always put themselves in their hearts, they can let go to explore the world.

In chen meiling's words, the three children were admitted to Stanford with almost no effort, and they did not abandon any hobbies, and they faced school and play peacefully.

Now, after the three children become parents, they also uphold the mentality of their mothers and raise the next generation.

Adults are the mirror of children, teacher Li Meijin said that if you want your child to become what kind of person, you must first become such a person.

Chen Meiling did this, so her parenting was at least successful.

I believe that there is no parent who does not want to raise a child who is not impatient and can face it peacefully no matter what kind of problems they encounter.

If the answer is yes, I think from this moment on we should ask ourselves to think twice when we want to yell at our children.

Becoming a calm parent is not a one-time thing, but a deliberate practice

Our identities are not only parents, but also may be employees, wives, switching in various roles every day, and it is really difficult to do everything calmly.

No one is born to be a good parent, and isn't the way we strive to progress because of this identity?

1. Accept the child's changes

Children's development is a process of change, sometimes obedient, sometimes rebellious, and the rhythm of their growth may sometimes not meet the expectations of adults.

Wu Yating recently tearfully told the story of beating her daughter in the "Spring Day Late Return" program, because the corner of her son's mouth was injured, she specifically told her daughter, who was a sister, not to provoke her brother to cry.

The daughter just promised to turn her head and grab the toy with her brother, so that the younger brother cried and the corners of his mouth were torn and bleeding, and Wu Yating angrily beat her daughter.

Afterwards, she regretted it very much, feeling that she did not accept her daughter at that time, and her daughter was just a child.

Accepting children is not an easy task, but it is something that must be done.

Only by first acknowledging that he is a child, many of their systems have yet to be perfected, and neither good nor bad can change that he is our child.

With this premise, we can have a more correct mentality to face the behavior of the child and the things that are being done in the moment.

Writer Yin Jianli once said: To deal with children, the greater civilized behavior of adults belongs to the perspective of the child and correctly guide his development in a way that he is willing to accept."

This is a problem for parents, and it is also a problem that we must face up to, so the next time your child argues about playing, you may as well accept his needs first.

2. Deal with emotions first, and then deal with problems

Sun Li once told a conversation with his son and so on. The son told her that he didn't want to be an older brother, he wanted to be a younger brother.

The reason is that I feel that the pressure of being a brother is too much, and the people around me think that he is a brother and should let his sister take it for granted, and he will not be praised for doing good things.

Sun Li did not rush to refute his son, but told him at the first time:

"I understand your feelings very well, and I must tell me as soon as possible if I have such grievances in the future."

Then, he taught his son how to deal with the evaluations of others, told him not to care too much, and if he felt unreasonable, he could politely tell others how he felt.

After she dealt with it like this, her mood became obviously better, and she also said the golden sentence of "I am also growing".

In the face of the child's seemingly impolite problem, Sun Li did not rush to deal with it, but first appeased his son's aggrieved mood, and then told him what he could do.

This textbook approach is worth learning from all parents, many times children are yelled at when they are emotional, once the two sides are opposed, it is a confrontation between the two emotions, which does not help to deal with things themselves.

If the ultimate purpose of yelling at the child is to let the child grow, it may be much easier to learn to solve the emotions first, and then try to solve the problem.

3. Learn to apologize

Although everyone's parents are willing, after all, we are all ordinary people.

If you've already yelled at your child, as an adult, bow your head and apologize. After all, emotional loss of control is itself an impolite thing.

Not long ago brushed a video, Henan Shangqiu, a mother after scolding the child regrets, very sincerely apologized to the child, did not expect the little guy to warmly say "uncomfortable I also love you, it doesn't matter."

Apologizing is a character and a gesture.

Parents apologize to their children not only for their respect, but also for teaching their children to bravely admit that there is nothing to be embarrassed about when they do not do well.

Regarding apologizing to the child, Fan Deng also gave a sincere formula: expressing regret + responsibility + remedy.

Only in this way can we really change ourselves and help our children, so that the yelling that has already occurred can be remedied.

The English poet Wordsworth wrote in his poem: "Children are the fathers of adulthood. ”

Raising children is a chance for Heaven to give us a chance to think about life again, often think, always examine, raise children and raise ourselves, may we all harvest a calm parent-child relationship.

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