One of the topics seen on Zhihu is: When did the collapse of adults begin?
More than 6,000 answers, each with its own heartache, but when I saw the first text of an anonymous user, I couldn't help but burst into tears.
The dad said that starting at 5:34 a.m. on July 26, 2020, he was lying in bed and receiving text messages from his son: "I really can't get out. ”
He texted his son back, but did not receive a reply, so he quickly got up and found that his son was no longer in his bed, he rushed to the roof in a panic, looked around and did not find his son.
But by the time he got down to the first floor, the 110 and 120 vehicles had arrived, and his son's life came to an abrupt end at this moment, and so did his life.
From August 18 until September 12 of this year, he wrote about his thoughts about his son in this answer intermittently, which was very moving to read.
However, this answer can get 58,000 likes and 10,600 comments, which is enough to show that the 16-year-old boy's resolute departure is definitely not a momentary thought, but an inseparable relationship with his parents.
【1】
Forcing children to be excellent is the easiest mistake for parents to make.
"In his life, he got the first little red flower from kindergarten, participated in the recording of radio programs, the award certificate of the national calligraphy competition, participated in taekwondo at the age of three, one by one general certificate, began to participate in the Chutian English Competition in the first grade, one award certificate after another, and gradually followed by a certificate of participation in the Olympic numbers, a certificate of award for the Olympic numbers."
In just a few lines of text, we can see how good the child is, but no child is born excellent, which must be inseparable from the pressure exerted by the parents.
Dad wrote on September 11 last year: "Son, it's the weekend again, and it used to be very busy on weekends, with classes on Saturdays and Peiyou on Sundays. ”
In addition to attending classes at school from Monday to Friday, there is still no free time on Saturday and Sunday, and only then do I have my son's award certificate after certificate, making my son the pride of his parents.
How many parents, like these two miserable parents, constantly force their children to learn and learn on the road of their children's growth, thinking that only by making their children excellent is success.
Some time ago, in the popular TV series "Xiao Shede", Tian Yulan, the mother played by Jiang Xin, was "high standards and strict requirements" for her son Yan Ziyou.
From the first grade, Yan Ziyou will have to go to various training classes such as Olympiad and composition, in order to be admitted to a famous school in order to be admitted to a famous school in the "beginning of the small ascension", Tian Yulan directly stopped Yan Ziyou's only favorite football class.
When Yan Ziyou finally couldn't bear the pressure of learning, in the examination room of the Olympic mathematics competition, completely emotional collapse tore up the test paper and ran out, Tian Yulan understood that a healthy child is far more important than an excellent child.
Li Meijin, a professor at the Public Security University, said in a speech that her children had said that their parents did not feel the pain of their generation, and sat in the classroom at 7:10 a.m. every morning, until 5:30 p.m., and went home in the evening to write homework until 11:30 a.m.
The child said, "Mom, this is not a day, it is twelve years, and even Saturday and Sunday are occupied by you." Li Meijin said frankly: "I think, this person is not crazy to be strange!" ”
In fact, not every child can be admitted to Tsinghua Peking University, and only when parents can accept that their children are just an ordinary person will they no longer force their children to learn from the action.
As Cai Yuanpei said in "The Cultivation of Chinese": "It is not the academic performance that determines a child's life, but the cultivation of a sound personality." ”
【2】
Not seeing the pain of the child is the greatest dereliction of duty of the parents.
The dad said: "We only pay attention to the honors he has achieved, but ignore his smile and gradually disappear." ”
When the son was crying at home, the parents thought it was just a little stressful and it was good to cry; when they saw the son's scarred arm, the parents took him to see a counselor.
Even if parents take their son to a mental health center and every test they do shows a problem, they are subconsciously unwilling to face it, feeling that the problem is not big, and the son ultimately can't afford to choose to leave.
Parents always use the banner of "good for their children" to ask their children to concentrate on learning, but they cannot see their children's weakness and helplessness in learning, which is likely to lead to tragedy.
After reading a Weibo post of the Shiyan traffic police in Hubei Province, a 14-year-old boy actually took off his shirt and lay in the middle of the road, fortunately, the traffic police arrived in time to dissuade the boy from coming to the side of the road.
The boy's mother said that early in the morning he asked him to write his homework, he was reluctant to write, while playing, his mother nagged a few words, he ran straight out of the house.
Maybe from the parents' point of view, boys are making excuses for not doing homework, but I want to say, why would boys rather die than write homework?
Parents can't see the deep pain hidden behind their children's abnormal behavior, so it is impossible to understand how to ease the parent-child relationship and help their children get out of the abyss of pain in their usual education methods.
According to the "Report on the Development of National Mental Health in China (2019-2020)", the total prevalence of psychological abnormalities in School-age children and adolescents in China is 15.6%, and men are lower than women.
The detection rate of depressive disorders in children and adolescents is 3.7%-40.0%, and the detection rate of anxiety disorders is 20.31%-26.70%, and the detection rate and prevalence rate are increasing year by year.
Children have mental health problems, mainly including emotional problems (such as depression, anxiety) and behavioral problems (such as aggressive behavior), learning anxiety, impulsive tendencies, terror tendencies, anxiety towards people and self-blame tendencies are the top five psychological problems detected among primary school students.
No child is suddenly broken, and if parents never see the pain their children endure, when the child decides to leave, parents will not even have the opportunity to regret it.
【3】
Not giving a child the freedom to grow is the cruelest love of a parent.
In the september 21 record last year, the dad said: "From childhood to adulthood, we have always given you meticulous care and care, and perhaps it is this airtight care that you cannot bear." ”
Although this sentence is understated, the word "airtight" reveals that the son has been controlled by his parents in the palm of his hand since he was a child, and he has no freedom to grow up.
Did the son cry and ask his parents if he had given birth to him and asked for his opinion? Now after the tragedy, they also prayed to their son: "Give us another chance." ”
When children come to this beautiful world, they are not "learning machines", but parents take their children and establish rich links with the world, so that children are willing and happy to live.
I have seen a news that Yang Mou, a single mother in Nantong, Jiangsu Province, has very high requirements for her daughter's learning, and wants her daughter to finish the English course of middle school when she is in elementary school.
Once the daughter did not complete the "upgrading homework" arranged by Yang, she would hit her daughter's head with a shovel, burn her daughter's hand for the first time, and actually did not accept it, and the second time directly burned her daughter's face.
What kind of crazy mother is this? Even if it is directly harmful to the child's body, do you know that the child is an independent person, not an object at the disposal of the parents?
When the grandmother sued the court to fight for the custody of her granddaughter, Yang mou still stressed: "We need to raise the child to a certain point and a certain level to have a good future." ”
Yang Mou did not realize that according to her cultivation method, does her daughter still have a future? It is already a blessing not to be killed by your mother, let alone the freedom to grow?
"Your child is not your child" said: "Children are not clay, let the parents arbitrarily pinch into the way they want, children have their own lives, they belong to themselves." ”
I deeply believe that in the process of growing up, what children need is the protection and teaching of their parents, but it is not the 24-hour control of parents, and it is not to let children become parents' "marionettes".
Give children the time and space to grow up, so that children have a free and comfortable life, in order to stimulate children's love for life, willing to work hard for a better tomorrow.
【4】
In this dad's record, there is such a scene:
The day before my son died, at dinner on July 25, he smiled and said to his mother, "You are a stupid mother." ”
When the mother expressed her willingness to correct it, the son smiled at Mimi and said, "It's late!" ”
Yes, it's really late! The child has been completely desperate, and will be so determined to go up to the roof and jump down!
Parents are the people who bring their children into this world, please do not be the one who destroys the children with your own hands, that will be the biggest tragedy in the child's life, and also the biggest failure of the parents.