This is the 2266th article of modern parent education
Author: Tian Luo
The famous Japanese mystery writer Yasuyuki Nishizawa once said:
The so-called normal interpersonal relationship is to maintain a certain distance from others to establish. No matter how intimate the relationship, it is necessary to respect the "personality" of the other party, which is a natural "rule".
We are ourselves first, and then we have other labels, in our own territory, guarding our boundaries and not allowing others to violate them, even in the name of love.
When we participate in the lives of others, we must be clear about their boundaries, and without excessive intervention, people will have a sense of happiness.
On the contrary, "for your own good" loses the distance, without a sense of boundary, there is no sense of happiness.
1
Love without a sense of boundaries
Happiness cannot be discussed
In the TV series "Xiao Shede", Tian Yulan, played by Jiang Xin, self-righteously asked his son Ziyou to study hard in order to compare his selfish desires.
In order to concentrate on studying, Ziyou can not apply for the football class that is interested, nor can he seek justice after being insulted by the teacher, Tian Yulan even made a fully transparent study room in the name of supervising his son's study, so that his son does not have a little privacy.
Under her mother's high-pressure policy, ziyou, who was originally excellent, almost collapsed and suffered from depression. Zi you, who was in pain, finally accused her mother: My mother does not love me, she loves me with a full score, and she says every time that it is for my good, but in fact, it is for herself.
Seeing that his son was sick, humiliated, depressed, and her husband Yan Peng, who had always been gentle, wept bitterly and angrily accused his wife of seeing only achievements in her eyes and no son.
Tian Yulan not only did not wake up, but even angrily rebuked her husband and taught her son badly.
A happy family of three, because of Tian Yulan's obstinate behavior, the family is either fighting with each other or silent and cold.
The famous British psychologist Sylvia has a point of view:
All love in this world has the ultimate purpose of aggregation, and there is only one kind of love whose purpose is separation, and that is the love of parents for their children.
As strong as Tian Yulan, he always wants to control his son. Learning is bigger than the sky, and the rest are just "obedient".
But Ziyou will grow up and will have his own thoughts. A moment's patience is to please the mother; a lifetime of hurt will never be loved.
Even adults, who have been trapped in a tense and oppressive environment for a long time, cannot perceive happiness, let alone children!
Mothers who know boundaries can create a free atmosphere for their children; children who can be independent will have sweet happiness with their parents.
2
A sense of boundaries is missing
Happiness cannot be established
Psychologist Hellinger once said that every member of the family must play their own role, and once the role is chaotic, the family will hide the crisis.
Not long after the daughter of colleague Cheng Hui, Xiao Yuesheng, was invited by the teacher to "drink tea".
It turned out that Xiaoyue would not eat by herself, and when she was at school, she often did not eat at noon. In the afternoon, when you are hungry, you will eat snacks, regardless of whether you go to class or after class. The teacher reminded several times that Xiao Yue not only did not change, but also retorted to the teacher: "If you are hungry, you must eat, otherwise what if I starve to death?" ”
Cheng Hui was ashamed and embarrassed, and kept apologizing to the teacher, promising to teach Xiaoyue well.
In fact, Cheng Hui and her husband are busy at work, and Xiaoyue has always been taken by her grandmother, although she is around, but she always can't take care of it. Grandma is extremely doting on her little granddaughter and won't let her do anything, and Grandma does everything. At the weekend, Cheng Hui was at home, and the grandmother did not let her exercise her daughter's hands-on ability, and even when Cheng Hui was educating Xiao yue, she blamed Cheng Hui for being a stepmother who specialized in abusing children. At this time, the child's father always said, "Xiaoyue is still young, don't force her."
Cheng Hui is weak alone, and for the sake of family harmony, he can only endure it again and again.
Nowadays, Xiaoyue has gone to elementary school, not only has no basic self-care ability, but also does not know how to respect people. Whenever she is unhappy with people and things, she always simply and rudely fights back against the past, often embarrassing the other party, and even beating people.
Cheng Hui is determined to educate Xiaoyue and criticizes her daughter fiercely, which naturally triggers a family war, and the family is exhausted.
"Generational pets" make children not like children, and parents are not like parents. Love that lacks a sense of boundaries not only breaks the child's wings, but also suppresses the right of parents to educate their children.
So, children don't understand boundaries, adults know how to measure?
Su Mingcheng in the TV series "All Is Good" perfectly interprets the phenomenon of "giant babies":
What kind of wife to marry, mother to help him pick;
Married without a house and a car, his mother bought it for him;
The work earned less but more, and the mother secretly pasted it upside down.
The little family with Julie seems to be very happy, but in fact, it is turbulent. When my mother died suddenly, the family crisis broke out immediately. Zhu Li knew at this time that her husband had been nibbling on the old man without the slightest responsibility.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong has this to say:
Many Chinese families are not happy because of the lack of a sense of boundary between parents and children.
No matter how close the relationship is, it must be clear that your business belongs to you and my business belongs to me. The lack of a sense of boundaries will only make the family more chaotic, and how to build happiness?
In life, if children do not pay, they have no sense of achievement; parents are unlimited and cannot find problems. A bubble of seeming happiness that bursts with a single touch.
Happiness is not to make people feel nervous and oppressive, but to make people relax and happy. Only families that understand the sense of boundaries, each belonging to everyone, each performing its own duties, can truly establish a sense of happiness.
3
The sense of boundaries gives love a temperature
The sense of boundaries is so important, so how can we establish a sense of boundaries?
As the saying goes: to be far away is to be able, and to be close is to be wise. Children will only do as they please, but adults must grasp the measure. To make love warm and make the family happier, we can start from the following aspects:
(1) Let the child make his own choices
Xiaofei's daughter Qingqing is the favorite of the kindergarten teacher, and the parents of her classmates also praise her.
On the first day of Entering the Kindergarten, Qingqing not only did not cry, but also comforted her anxious classmates and took the initiative to play with them. Parents asked Xiaofei how to educate Qingqing, and Xiaofei said: "In fact, there is no special way, that is, to tell her what age to do, and let her make her own choices." For example, matching clothes, eating on time, playing appropriately, etc., are all choices made by Qingqing first, and then we guide them. ”
No matter how young the child is, he can do what he can, as a parent, take the initiative to let the child make choices, you can cultivate their self-reliance.
(2) Encourage children to take responsibility for their actions
I know that there is a famous "eight forgiveness", one of which is "still a child". It's as if as long as it's a child, you don't have to take responsibility for your actions.
Ying Cai'er once shared an incident with her son. Jasper to bring toys when he goes out to play, he must carry his school bag, put the toys in it, and if he doesn't want to carry it, then don't take the toy out.
The observers did not understand, he was still so young, how could he carry his back? Ying Cai'er said very firmly: I should be responsible for my own affairs.
Young age is not an excuse for children to shirk their responsibilities, on the contrary, it is precisely because children are young that they must be seriously educated, so that he can learn to take responsibility and grow up to be responsible.
(3) Withdraw from the child's life at an appropriate time
Weibo once had a hot search, when is it best for parents to quit their children's lives?
The answer with the highest forwarding is:
3 years old, quit the child to eat;
5 years old, withdraw from the child's bedroom;
7 years old, quit the child's bathroom;
9 years old, withdraw from the child's private space;
11 years old, quit tidying up the room;
13 years old, quit cleaning up the housework;
15 years old, withdrawing from personal choice;
After marriage, quit the family with children.
Zhou Guoping said that the sense of proportion is a sign of mature love, which knows how to respect the necessary distance between people, and this distance means respect for each other as an independent personality.
Parents' love has a sense of boundaries, children will also know how to score inches, they learn to be sensitive to words and deeds, live independently and with dignity, in order to have a better life.
4
Write at the end
The Russian writer Bondarev once said: The root cause of all human suffering stems from the lack of a sense of border.
The Chinese family places too much emphasis on family affection, thus blurring boundaries. People revere you have me, I have your big integrated family model, and they talk about happiness, but in reality, whose home is not a chicken feather?
Family happiness comes from the fact that each member is in their own position, not over the distance, not possessive, I understand your bottom line, you respect my principles.
A sense of boundaries is the highest level of respect for a family.