Source: Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
Author: Qian Zhiliang
We all know that people with a "flattering personality" live very tired and unhappy lives.
They always put the needs of others first, suppress themselves, and constantly satisfy and cater to others;
They often care too much about what others say about them, hoping that the other party will value and identify with themselves, so they are afraid of conflict and afraid of making others unhappy.
But, you know what? Children also please their parents, some even from a very young age.
01
In a parent-child observation program "The Open-Minded Teenager", an 11-year-old boy bouncing is a child who is accustomed to pleasing his parents.
He never competes with his sister for favors, always gives the best to his sister, even if his parents only focus on playing games and videos for his sister on weekdays, ignoring him, he never complains.
His mother told Bundy that he would take his sister to Shanghai to play, and his grades would decline and he could only study at home. Bundling will also pretend to be relaxed: "It doesn't matter, I don't study hard myself, this time you will take your sister with you." ”
But in fact, he was very eager to go in his heart.
Once, when the family was preparing to eat, his mother asked Bunding to turn off the gas, and as a result, he accidentally touched the gas alarm device and was frightened and overwhelmed.
Dad immediately rushed over and turned off the gas, turned around and slapped him, and asked:
"What are you doing?" Didn't you teach you how to turn off gas before? How did you forget? You can't do a small thing! ”
At this time, the mother came to stop the father's accusations against the child, and as a result, he bounced and comforted the mother while wiping his tears:
"It doesn't hurt, Mom, it's all my fault."
Then he went to apologize to his father: "Dad, I'm sorry, I won't do it again next time." ”
The guests present were very distressed about this well-behaved and sensible child. One of the guests asked him what if his mother didn't come to comfort him.
Bundy said calmly, "I'll just hold back!" "Hold on and go."
Later in the show, Bundy finally revealed his heart: "As soon as I think about this, I am particularly aggrieved, and if I don't want to, I will be fine." ”
Bundy said that he especially hopes that his father can play and chat with him like his sister; he hopes to take a video with his parents and be the protagonist of the video; he hopes that his parents can like him more like his sister.
It turned out that he didn't really care and wasn't sad, but just hid these emotions in the depths of his heart, wanting to be a sensible and warm child in exchange for the love and attention of his parents.
02
In real life, there are many children like this, they dare not show their emotions in front of their parents, even if they are wronged, they do not cry or make trouble, they are always a well-behaved and obedient look; they study hard, become excellent, and do what their parents want him to do.
If the child is accustomed to the behavior mode of "flattery", it will affect his lifelong interpersonal relationships, and he tends to grievance himself, continue to pay, and satisfy others in the relationship, but in the end he is not cherished, which will also greatly reduce the happiness of the child's life.
Some parents will say, is it not good for children to have strong empathy, to be considerate of their parents, and to behave well-behaved and sensible? For example, when you see that your mother is tired and unhappy, you take the initiative to help your mother do things.
Of course not. The key difference between the two is whether children pay attention to and respect their feelings while meeting their parents' needs and making them happy.
If the child always gives priority to meeting the needs of the parents, but is uncomfortable, unwilling, and afraid to express his emotions and needs, it is an unhealthy "flattering" state.
The child's performance is inconsistent with his inner feelings, and such "understanding" needs to arouse the vigilance of parents and reflect on their own education methods.
How is it to raise a child who pleases his parents? There are two main points:
(1) Parental control is too strong
Controlling parents, usually harsh and critical of their children, always arrange everything according to their own wishes and make decisions for their children, not allowing their children to have their own ideas or opinions.
They are very demanding of their children and want to make them the "perfect kid" they expect.
When children are disobedient or do not meet their expectations, they will criticize, suppress, and even manipulate children in the form of "emotional kidnapping".
This kind of parenting will make the child feel a kind of "conditional love": I can only get love if I meet the requirements of my parents and make them satisfied.
As a result, children will choose to suppress their real needs, never resist, try their best to cater to their parents, and do what their parents want them to do.
However, children who grow up in this way usually have a low sense of self-worth, and the unmet real needs lead to their inner emptiness and confusion, even if they are excellent, they often have a sense of meaninglessness and cannot live out the vitality of life.
They are usually under great pressure, afraid that they will not do well, disappoint their parents, and often attack and punish themselves.
These negative feelings accumulate to a certain extent, which will cause depression, or a complete outbreak and resistance.
In the TV series "Little Shed", Tian Yulan is such a mother, her son Isyou in the fifth grade, she deprived the child of his hobbies, enrolled many cram classes for the child, forced the child to study all the time, improve the grades, and never cared about the child's feelings and thoughts.
Under tian Yulan's constant persecution, Ziyou became anxious and introverted, completely lacking the vitality that he should have at that age.
Under the long-term high pressure, Ziyou suffered from depression. He cried at the class meeting and said:
"I don't think my mother loves me, but me with a perfect score."
(2) Family relations are not harmonious
The family atmosphere is chaotic and disharmonious, and it is easy to raise a child who loves to please his parents, such as parents often quarreling and cold war.
We often overlook the child's ability to feel the emotions of their parents. When seeing that parents are not in a good mood, children will feel very uncomfortable and stressed, afraid that they have done something wrong, and want to do something to please their parents.
An unstable family atmosphere can also make children feel insecure, afraid that their parents' relationship will break down and they will be abandoned.
As a result, children will unconsciously bear the burden of family contradictions, strive to become sensible and excellent, cater to their parents' ideas, maintain family harmony, and think that as long as they are good enough and obedient, their parents will be happy.
I once saw a netizen say:
"When I was a child, I often witnessed my parents quarreling and have been living in fear and anxiety, so I was particularly obedient since I was a child, and I was a well-behaved child in the eyes of everyone, and I did not dare to let my parents worry about me and try to reconcile their relationships."
But my own feelings, my true thoughts, have never been asked. I feel so tired..."
If parents can't handle their emotions and take responsibility for their own lives, the child will be forced to become a "savior" role, doing everything to make the parents happy and ignore themselves.
In this way, the child cannot devote all his energy and energy to self-growth, prematurely shouldering responsibilities that do not belong to him, and growth and development will inevitably be limited.
03
In a healthy, enlightened family environment, children should be able to express their emotions and needs easily, angry, sad, and wanting anything, and can calmly say to their parents.
When the child retracts his own truth, innocence, and does things to make his parents happy, it is a failure to be a parent, and it will also become a regret in the child's life.
As parents, we should not let our children force themselves for our satisfaction and happiness, but should create a suitable growth environment for them, can be loyal to their feelings, be at ease with themselves, and focus on self-construction.
As the American psychologist Lawrence Cohen said:
"Every child holds his own cup and hopes that his parents will feel safe and loving."
Fundamentally, children who please their parents are meant to gain their parents' love, attention, and approval. Therefore, parents need to give their children enough nutrients in daily parenting, so as not to allow children to take them through this inappropriate way.
Specifically, do these well:
"Love what it is", don't just let the child meet their own expectations and needs, accept the child's truest appearance, appreciate the characteristics and shining points of the child in front of you, and compare the child with others;
Allow the child to show a wide variety of emotions, do not forcefully stop and suppress him, and give listening and understanding;
When the child makes a mistake and behaves badly, "the right thing is not right", for the matter itself to help the child recognize the mistake and solve the actual problem, rather than denying the child as a whole.
In this way, the child will feel the unconditional love of his parents for himself, feel a sense of security in his heart, and can show his true self in front of his parents.
In addition, parents should restrain their desire to control and do not require their children to be obedient and unconditionally obedient. As your child grows, allow him to present his own needs and ideas, giving him the opportunity to make choices and make decisions.
In this way, children can break through the restrictions and shackles of their parents, give full play to their growth potential, and live their own lives.
Finally, parents should also be responsible for their own emotions and lives, try their best to create a harmonious and warm family atmosphere for their children, and do not let their children bear responsibilities that do not belong to them.
All in all, parents never have to envy children who seem to be well-behaved and sensible, and will make their parents happy, but need to be vigilant, reflect on their own education methods, and explore the source of this "understanding".
If your child is often freewheeling in front of you, throwing a tantrum, and don't worry too much, at least, the child trusts you enough, is willing to open up to you, and hugs the child in front of you.
Click "Watching" and hope that all children do not have to grow up too early and can be themselves carefree!
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