Reading Enhancement [Book Review] - Through the mother, see yourself, self-healing intergenerational trauma

Speaking of mothers, it makes us think that it is not easy for them to raise us with hard work, and we should be full of gratitude. However, real life is not as perfect as we think, the way mothers raise and nurture their children is related to the development of their children's later life, and some mothers use wrong parenting methods to bring psychological trauma to their children, but they do not know it, so that children have been living in inner torment and resentment.

Because of the influence of the mother, the child even becomes another version of himself, and the child brings the wrong belief in life to his later family life, resulting in an unhappy life.

How to turn our lives around and learn to heal ourselves the intergenerational wounds that our mothers bring to us. Hou Yuzhen gave us a detailed interpretation in the book "Because I Am a Woman", which allowed us to understand our connection and relationship with our mothers at a deeper level, and also let us see that the adverse consequences caused by wrong beliefs deeply affected our lives.

How to get rid of the influence of mothers on our mistakes? I think everyone in different situations will find the answer you want in this book.

Why are we becoming more and more like our mothers? I think that finding the source of the influence of mistakes, learning to separate from our mothers and move towards self-independence, and maintaining healthy physical and mental development is the ultimate direction of life that we seek.

01 Shaping yourself in the process of identifying with and internalizing your mother

For a while I found that my mother was very short-tempered, but one day my husband told me that my temper was very similar to my mother, which made me wonder to myself, why am I so similar to my mother?

Hou Yuzhen told us that the stimulation in the parenting relationship affects the neurons and brain waves of the child's brain, thus shaping the operation mode of the brain nervous system, and finally becoming the physiological basis of the response mode.

That is, my mother was short-tempered, and in the process of raising me, her emotions affected me, and her behavior patterns shaped my brain's response patterns, and I became impatient myself.

This phenomenon of becoming a replica of the mother can be explained from three dimensions:

First, the somatic self of the self dimension. Everyone's body stores many memories, especially traumatic memories, physical experiences

It is also the basis for forming the self, and the physical needs of children in many families may be overlooked, such as: children crying need comfort, need emotional comfort. If the mother neglects or treats the child roughly at an early stage, these experiences will be remembered by the child's brain and body and become the way the child treats herself.

Second, the emotional self in the dimension of the self. Emotions help us judge situations in our lives, such as when we are in danger

run away. If the mothers always criticize and blame the children, then the child will have a sense of shame, he will get used to self-blame, feel that he is not good enough, and form a flattering personality, trying to make himself more perfect.

Third, the characterization of the self in the dimension of the self. Representations are the ways in which information appears in the mind, such as: I am excellent, I am

is valuable. This perception is the representational self, our perception of ourselves is formed according to the way our mother treats us, and if the mother feels that we are good, we will internalize and identify with the mother's feelings and feel that we are good. If moms think we're bad, we identify with moms, we think we should be hated and worthless, and we perceive ourselves through the way moms treat us. It also allows us to develop feelings about others, society, and the world.

Because we are closely connected to our mother, we become a copy of our mother or the opposite of our mother.

02 Draw a clear psychological boundary with your mother and achieve growth

If we are raised badly, we have to learn to draw a line from bad, that is, to separate from bad mothers, and this separation is to draw boundaries psychologically, not from relationships.

First, awareness. Find your own inner mother's voice, such as: your mother often criticizes and accuses you, you will firmly believe that you are not good, feel ashamed. Be aware of the core patterns of moms treating us, avoid projecting mom's voice onto other people, and allow yourself to make painful decisions and behaviors.

Second, reflect. Reflecting on how the core patterns of moms treating us affect us? Think about your own feelings, cognitions, behaviors, etc., and prevent yourself from projecting your mother's core pattern of treating us into other people through reflection.

Again, decline. When the way mom treated us hurt us again, bravely refuse and speak your mind.

Finally, expression. When we can perceive, reflect, and reject, we must learn to express our inner thoughts. Maybe you're angry and aggressive at first, but as you become more comfortable with yourself, you break the old relationship pattern and we're more and more able to develop a gentle and firm way of expressing it.

Through daily awareness and reflection on one's own core feelings and beliefs, you learn to express yourself, reject others, and get out of the control of your inner mother.

03 Identify with and find your true self

If we don't get a stable relationship from an early age and don't accomplish our self-identification well, we have to learn to mourn and reconcile and rediscover our ways of self-identification.

If we are criticized by our mothers from a young age, have a strong sense of shame, and feel that we are not perfect, this stems from the inability to accept our own badness. Therefore, to obtain complete self-identification, we must learn to accept our imperfections, find our own goodness, and see ourselves authentically. No one is perfect. Therefore, we must see the good side and the bad side of ourselves, and learn to integrate ourselves.

When we begin to re-identify ourselves, we must mourn our past selves, accept and practice the belief that we will not be abandoned even if we are not good, and we must learn to oppose our mother's dislike, and identify ourselves as an independent and intelligent woman based on reality.

The book "Because I Am a Woman" analyzes from the perspective of women how women can better interpret the role of women and how to become a good mother in the face of discrimination, unfair treatment and psychological problems.

We must not only be independent from the heart and develop a healthy and complete personality, but also cultivate a healthy and independent personality for the next generation.

We must also soberly recognize our own problems, adjust our shortcomings, and develop a better self. Do not be a victim of the previous generation, do not bring trauma to the next generation, and better interpret the roles of mothers, wives, and daughters.

I am not confused with Qinglian - recommend reading good books, lifelong reading, lifelong writing, continuous growth, and self-worth.