The Intensive Jun General Dictionary has been launched with 1871/2000 entries
Today is the 3116th day of intensive reading to accompany you throughout your life
01
"My wife can only wash and cook, and there is no way to communicate with my soul."
A man asked in zhihu.
Later, he described in detail the troubles he was currently facing.
He described his wife as a person who could take good care of his daily routine.
But his wife said very little, and therefore very little communication with each other, which made him gradually realize that neither he nor his wife knew what to talk about.
He said: "She is a very gentle person, but she is also very weak, so that I feel a little afraid that we will really have to live like this in the future?" ”
He also counted a few of his differences from his wife.
The two people's consumption concept is somewhat different, he thinks it may be due to the relationship of the original family, even if their family is currently economically rich, the wife is also very thrifty, not willing to spend money, but he is a person who pursues the quality of life;
The two have different academic qualifications, the wife is an ordinary one, and he is a "top20" graduate student, and the two work in the same unit;
He thinks that his wife has some inferiority, she has no friends, and she usually does not like to go out shopping.
His wife also had little interaction with his circle of friends, which made him feel that her wife was not really integrated into his circle.
The two were married for more than a year without children, but he said that he could see that his wife liked children, but he did not dare to ask for them, because his wife always told him that he was not good enough to be a good mother.
Finally, he also explained that he did not dislike his wife's academic qualifications, nor did he want to abandon her, but just wanted to know how the two people could change this situation and enhance their relationship.
02
I don't know if you have seen the 1992 old Hong Kong film "Happy Things at Home".
This man's troubles remind me of the plot of the big brother Chang Man and the sister-in-law "Cheng Dajie" in the movie.
Yes, the only important character in the movie who does not have a real name is Sister-in-law Cheng.
After Cheng's sister-in-law married Chang Man, she can be called a veritable "virtuous wife".
She is not only excellent at cooking, but also takes into account everyone's dietary preferences;
Caring for her in-laws with Alzheimer's disease is also attentive, and the daily life of the family of six is well organized.
Gentle and kind, considerate of her husband, her life is around this home every day.
She was only able to enter the kitchen but could not go to the hall, which gradually made Chang Man dissatisfied.
Chang Man disliked her simple clothes, always did not apply powder to the sky on weekdays, and went to high-end restaurants with him to order food, was ridiculed by the waiter, lost his face, and gradually did not bother to communicate.
So Chang Man, who was in a high position in the company, soon had an affair and was with a sister who had been in Hong Kong.
Chang Man's younger brother advised the eldest brother to turn back to the shore and not to do anything to be sorry for the sister-in-law.
But how could Chang Man listen? After all, the paper still can't cover the fire, and the east window incident occurred.
Sister-in-law Cheng left the family in a huff, and with the encouragement and comfort of the little uncle, she went to find herself and gradually lived out herself.
No longer have to do housework, waiting for a room full of people Cheng sister-in-law, all the time and energy can be used on herself, like singing she is a girl in a KTV, with a beautiful new image.
After the qi Hong Kong sister took the throne, she gradually exposed the true face of the hollow straw bag, rude and sloppy, and the family became a mess.
Chang Man knew that Sister-in-law Cheng was good, and he regretted it and began to pestering his ex-wife constantly, hoping that she would change her mind.
In this way, the identity is reversed, the former wife becomes a lover, and the lover becomes a wife.
In order to reconcile with Cheng's sister-in-law at the end, Chang Man, with the encouragement of his relatives, picked up roses and asked his wife for a reunion.
In the face of Chang Man's show of love, Sister-in-law Cheng said to him:
"Don't call me wife again, you weren't nervous about me when I was there, and now you don't want me to leave when I'm leaving, what do you really want me to do?"
Then Sister-in-law Cheng turned to leave, which also led to the two endings of the movie.
The first is the well-known sister-in-law forgave the eldest brother and the ending of the family.
The second is that the sister-in-law did not accept the big brother's overtures and left directly.
The plot of Chang Man and Cheng Dajie is very classic, and it also tells the unbearable nature of many marriages and families.
Just like when Chang Man tried to recover Cheng Dajie five times later, Cheng Dajie said to Chang Man:
"Be a treasure when you chase me, and be a grass when you're your wife."
I don't want to be your wife, because it's much better to be your lover than to be your wife. ”
When the wife takes on the task of taking care of family life and has no time to take care of more "interests", she will become a boring person who "only washes and cooks, and communicates with me without a soul" in the mouth of the husband.
But they didn't think about what made a wife who could have been fun and lively boring.
03
Once saw a short video, a netizen's daughter had her first birthday.
She and her husband bought a cake and planned to celebrate.
When she wanted to cut the cake, her husband had to let her cut the cake herself for some reason.
Inexplicably, she cut open the cake and was surprised to find a new mobile phone hidden in the cake.
The husband said the phone was a gift to her and told her: "The first year of mom, you did a good job. ”
She was instantly moved, and felt that the sentence "You are doing a good job" is the best affirmation of her own efforts.
The maintenance of marriage is the continuation of intimate relationships and the continuation of emotions.
This continuation is inseparable from each other's "seeing".
In the psychologist Maslow's pyramid of needs, "respect" is the second level of needs, belonging to the second level of needs.
It is mentioned that the need for respect can be divided into internal respect and external respect.
Internal respect is people's self-esteem; external respect is the hope that they will be recognized by others, respected, trusted and highly valued by others.
Mutual in marriage also needs to respect each other.
If a person's efforts to continue a marital relationship are not seen by the other party, but are considered to be taken for granted, they will gradually be hit by self-confidence, bringing anxiety and loss.
As someone said:
"In marriage, you are husband and wife, but you also have to add an identity, that is, good friends."
A good friend is a ta's every time he gives, you will be grateful. ”
So remember to "see" the other person.
"Seeing" is the moment when I can perceive your emotions, respect your feelings, listen to your needs, and it is also empathy and understanding.
If you can't even see it, what kind of soul communication is there to talk about?
Only by knowing how to empathize, understanding each other's difficulties, and cherishing each other's efforts can we deeply feel each other's souls.