Wen 丨 Sheep (Guangzhou)
Although my sister quickly reacted and changed the words, in the half second she paused, I guessed the sentence she almost slipped out. If it wasn't for my sister's carelessness this time, I would never have known what image I had in my mother's eyes.
Asking relatives to help take care of it, my mother followed my father in a small unit to do some cleaning and tidying up the garden in recent years. The dormitory arranged by the unit for them is a single room, the area is not large, usually the old two people can live up to it, but when the children go to visit the door, it seems crowded. But even so, the mother still lives in peace, after all, it belongs to the free space that she and her father earn from their own labor, which is different from the feeling of living in the children's home.
Because the community where I live is only five minutes away from my parents, I often go to my parents' dormitory after work to sit down, chat with them, bring a copy to my mother when buying vegetables and fruits, and try to make a caring "little cotton jacket" and do as much as possible to repay my parents' nurturing grace. Seeing that my father is older, his health is gradually not as good as before, and sometimes he also shows the idea of retiring home to recuperate, so I discussed with my brothers and sisters, it is better for everyone to pool money to buy a house for parents in a place close to everyone, first, everyone can move around often, second, to avoid the embarrassment and contradictions that parents and newlywed sons and daughters-in-law may produce when they live together, and then say that as long as the old man's health allows, who does not want to be free?
For a variety of reasons, my proposals and ideas have not been supported for the time being. I understand the character of my mother, as long as my father retires, there is no specific thing to do, she will have all kinds of wild thoughts, many ideas, sorrow, anxiety will follow, see what bad habits the children have, she will inevitably have to nag again. If you live with your children in such a state, contradictions will naturally arise over time, which is not conducive to the health of the elderly and the pressure on your children. I have observed the verbal expressions of my parents, and I can see that they are eager to have their own residence, but they always deny it, and I know that they are afraid of spending their children's money. So I discussed with my husband whether to buy a second-hand small apartment for my parents, and the problem was solved. My husband agreed with me.
So as soon as I had time, I looked for nearby listings on the Internet, but I couldn't find a suitable and satisfactory one, because it was not particularly urgent, and buying a house was a relatively big thing, so I thought I would take it slowly. Last week, as usual, I left work to see my mother, and when I entered the door, I found that the house was in a mess, a lot of furniture was empty, and there were a bunch of packed boxes and bags on the floor, and I didn't react for a moment to what was happening. Seeing that I was stunned there, my mother told me that there was a new property company in the unit, and there was no agreement between the company and my father, and it just so happened that my father also felt that his physical strength could not keep up, so he simply stopped and took a good rest.
I blamed my mother for not telling me earlier that I would speed up the process to find a house. The mother said that she would go back to live with her son and help with her grandson in the future. I think it is also true that the sister-in-law is a well-behaved girl, docile, understanding and especially smiley, and people are also diligent, thinking that the mother has such a daughter-in-law, and living together is also a blessing. During the time my mother moved back, I used to call her, listening to her relaxed and cheerful tone, and I knew that what I was worried about was not happening.
A phone call from my eldest sister a few days ago let me know how my mother really felt. She told me that during a small walk, my mother expressed the idea of going back to her hometown. The eldest sister asked her if she had a conflict with her son, and the mother shook her head. The eldest sister advised her, since there is no contradiction, don't rush back to her hometown, the current epidemic situation is still grim, several children have a work unit, non-urgent and necessary things can not leave the spike, there is no condition to drive them home, take the train there is a risk of infection, return home also have to stay at home for a period of time, where to live during the isolation period? The family's old house has not been inhabited for more than ten years, surrounded by weeds and weeds, and some of the ground has been arched by trees, and it is impossible to live at all, and it is too impractical to go back now. The mother stopped talking and walked forward silently.
The eldest sister's phone just hung up, and the younger brother's phone came, which was the same thing. I asked my brother about the situation of his mother at home, my brother himself could not figure it out, in order to let the mother rest more, but also to make some food for the sister-in-law who had just become pregnant, he got up early every day to make breakfast, came home from work to cook himself, although very tired, but also very satisfied, he was doing his best to balance the relationship between his mother and his wife, the family is also harmonious, I don't know what the mother suddenly proposed to go back to her hometown. I immediately guessed why my mother wanted to "flee." Throughout her life, the mother never enjoyed the habit of being served, and she liked to realize her own value through labor, even in front of her children. The son, who almost never did anything before marriage, suddenly became so industrious that he became an "idle person" who had nothing to do, and the mother may doubt that her ability has not been recognized by her son, and it is inevitable that there will be a gap in her heart. The younger brother was aggrieved, and he didn't know how to do bad things with good intentions.
After consulting with my husband, I decided to ask my parents to move in with us after completing the renovation in another home. The second sister interrupted busily, saying that her mother would never go. I know that my husband is very filial to my mother, there is no such thing as abandonment, there must be other reasons. The second sister wanted to say, but immediately paused, saying that her mother was not used to our work and rest time and could not stand us staying up late. From the second sister's pause, I knew that this was not the real reason. Under my persecution, the second sister conveyed her mother's words: "The third old man loves to talk back, I can't stand it." Even if it's just her daughter, I won't live with her."
I held my cell phone, which was hot from calling around my mother's house, and my heart was cold. Looking back on the years when I grew up with my mother, although I had many unfair evaluations and indifferent attitudes towards my mother in the two years when I was forced to suspend school after graduating from junior high school, as I grew up and understood things, I gradually understood that my mother was not easy, and I also regretted the harm I caused to my mother, so I began to do my best to make up for her. In the years of the Upper Guard School, I have been a tutor to supplement my living expenses, every semester was rated as an excellent student to get a bonus, during the internship did not go to the stage day and night, with the first work performance of the number of surgical participation in the unprecedented performance of the department as a student to receive the department bonus, after work in the hospital's health department to give guests a foot to earn extra money, thrifty everywhere, in addition to the necessary daily necessities, the rest of the money is all saved, only one year after graduation, in the case of a thousand monthly salary I saved twenty thousand yuan, When I went home for the Chinese New Year, I gave my mother my first "filial piety". In the countryside at that time, children who went out to work gave all their wages to their parents was the greatest filial piety. When the whole family looked at me as a "mean-talking" old third, I turned around and secretly wiped away the tears in my smirk.
My birth was accompanied by the sigh of the old man in the family "Another daughter" and two lines of cold tears, from the time I remember, I always listened to others say that "the third is not as good as the two sisters", "the younger daughter has the worst temper" and other negative evaluations, so in order to get the affirmation of my parents, I studied harder than the two sisters, worked harder, and did not want to lag behind them everywhere. A child, the more eager to be recognized, the more concerned about the evaluation of their parents, if no amount of effort has been seen, the grievances in the heart will naturally turn into "stubbornness, anger, rebellion, resistance" and other negative ways to vent out, outsiders do not seem to understand the child, in fact, there are grievances in the heart that do not know how to express.
Watching the TV series "The World" a few days ago, there was a scene where the son quarreled with his father, and the son cried that all the efforts he made from childhood to adulthood were to prove to his father that he was not worse than his brother and sister, but he always lived under the aura of his brother and sister, and he tried his best to do his best, and his father was still not satisfied with him. The hero's heart-wrenching cries and cries made me find a strong resonance, sitting in front of the computer I cried uncontrollably, for decades later I was finally empathized with, even if this empathy only originated from the virtual characters in the TV series, not the closest people around me.
Now that I am a mother of two children, long past the age of competing in everything to gain my parents' attention, my original intention of arranging a place for my mother was to really hope that her mother would live better, both materially and spiritually. But now, how ironic and ridiculous my enthusiastic good wishes seemed in my mother's ruthless refusal. Mother, even if your little daughter has confronted you and made you angry, what evil thing has she done to make you so determined? Even if there is, as a mother, you can still teach her a harsh lesson, why should you treat your daughter as politely as an outsider? Have you ever thought about your little daughter and why she always learns to be gentle? When our sisters were still young, you always indiscriminately grabbed me because of the defeat and screamed and made noise, and beat me up, just after being beaten by my sister and then beaten by you, have you ever thought about my feelings? As a young man, I understand that both sides of a fight are at fault, but why do you always slap me with punishment? A child who has no ability to resist can only erect all the thorns on her body to protect herself. When I also began to have your shadow in me, taking out a stick when my children were disobedient, you told me to be a gentle mother. I then smiled and asked you, why did you beat me up when you were a child and never told me what was wrong? But you forgot about the "unfair treatment" of me before, and talked about a lot of past events that I preferred, so I never mentioned it again. I know that you have made a lot of sacrifices for me, brought up and helped me bring up my big children, I will never be able to repay your kindness, but do you know, a lot of things you have forgotten, your children will still remember clearly! She's not trying to hate you, but her life has been negatively affected in the long run by these unpleasant experiences!
My distant mother, you don't know that your daughter wrote one "suicide note" after another at the age when she was eight years old, when she should have been carefree, so that for many years afterwards, the background of her life was gray. At the age of eighteen, she broke her forearm, stubbornly she did not think of calling you, but went to the hospital alone, under the pull of two strong orthopedic surgeons to do manual reduction, the severe pain did not scare your daughter, she endured the whole time silently did not make a cry, until the summer vacation, she had to appear in front of you with a bandage splint. At the age of nineteen, she suddenly fell ill in class, and went to the hospital alone, and the doctor threw over a cold sentence" and asked parents to prepare thousands of dollars for surgery. After making the decision to go home after the operation alone, she finally burst into tears on the bus back to school, not because she was afraid of the operation itself, but because she felt that for the first time in her life, she had to bear all the pressure alone except for secretly asking for money from her sister; at the age of thirty, she was misdiagnosed by the doctor as "suspected cancer", and in the despair of thinking that time was not long, your daughter also chose to only tell her sister the biggest bad news in her life. Because I was used to being afraid that you would say that she would cause you trouble, afraid that you would blame her for running into trouble and spending money, she never only reported good news and not worry. Driven by the desire to be noticed, she gradually formed a "flattering" personality, often doing things she did not want to do in order to get the approval of others... Do you know that behind your daughter's strength is the boundless loneliness that comes from the depths of her heart?
How can a mother I know, a child who grew up in the midst of unappreciation and loneliness, become a gentle, loving person without experiencing growth? Only when I became a mother, in the process of raising children encountered many doubts and problems, especially found that my adolescent children are also strikingly similar to their young self, there is suffering alone, I began to realize that my way of education comes from you, my children may grow into a soft and hard "little donkey" like me, I feel really afraid, self-blame, confused, into a bottomless anxiety, I began to understand that I must actively save myself, so I flipped through the children's psychology, pedagogical books, Buy online courses, interview experts, communicate with excellent parents and learn from them... Slowly, I learned to let go of the strong disguise, consciously practice changing myself, showing weakness to my children, talking to my children, turning orders into discussions... I saw my own change bring about a harmonious parent-child relationship, when I was "reluctant to talk to you!" "When the adolescent child began to pour water on her mother's feet, help with housework, and tell her mother to go to bed early and not stay up late, I burst into tears again, I was not born thin and tough, I could have become gentle and acceptable!
My silent mother, when I finally understood that the influence of my original family on a person is so great, I was determined to strive to surpass it through learning. How I long to be intimate with my children without talking, this may be a kind of compensation, a kind of healing, a kind of self-redemption! But, my mother, how do I bridge the rift with you? I cry out with tears in my heart that I am the recipient, the imitator, the bearer, and I want you to take full responsibility for our estrangement today? No, you and I are in different environments and perspectives, and we may not understand each other. Nor did I have the confidence to reach a consensus with you through a heart-to-heart conversation, after all, this frustration has taken root in my heart since childhood. I can't say anything but try to adjust myself. Do you know how the father and son finally reconciled in "The World of Man"? The father suddenly fell ill, and the doctor told him to prepare for the aftermath. The strong father insisted on returning home, and in the last time of his life, the family lay on the kang, recalling the bits and pieces of decades, and in the warm laughter, the father and son naturally reconciled. As a bystander, I can see the deep love of the father, but also see the son's unexpressive but warm heart, I know that between them is just a misunderstanding that will happen to each of us, and the strong love is always passed between them. But, my mother, do we have to reconcile in this way, until the last moments of our lives? How can I let you see me too, and see that behind my poor expression is the same passionate love? Some of the simplest and simplest emotions in the world never need to be modified by language and rendered by words, and can be felt by experiencing ordinary life! Your daughter's performance is so clumsy that you can't feel her heart at all, and many of her efforts can't offset her shortcomings, so that you would rather die alone in a distant hometown than share the same roof with her? You can tell your sister what you want to say, and you don't think that your little daughter may understand you? Although your daughter's "back-up" is not advisable, it is at least a low-quality and low-level communication, but what about you, restraining all emotions from letting your daughter know, not giving her a chance to correct, is this your love?
My lonely mother, I know that even if you are surrounded by children, your heart is still lonely, otherwise how can you always hide your heart in your heart and rely on the children to guess? No matter how we take the initiative to show kindness, you always turn our hearts away, pay to make you feel at ease, and ask for it to make you uncomfortable. I know, you have a lifetime of habits, how to change?
My poor mother, when I complained that you were not a perfect mother, how could I not know what a lonely, desperate mother you had been? If you were not born in a special era, did not grow up in a village where the economy and culture are backward, and was not poisoned by the idea of favoring sons over daughters, with your diligence and steadfastness, how could you be so lonely today? You love to sing, know gratitude, pursue beauty, and advocate civilization, but the burden of life does not allow you to enjoy these rights, and all your hobbies may only disappear with the passage of time, watching them gradually disappear at the end of life. Who are you going to complain about these sufferings?
As the mother of two boys with very different personalities, learning to get along with them and fighting for their trust makes me very tired and hard, but I still firmly believe that I can do it, I still have a lot of time and a lot of opportunities to achieve, but for you, my mother, when you are in your sixties, I know that there is still such a deep gap between us, it is not a temporary impact of a specific thing, but a misunderstanding between our mother and daughter for many years, where do I learn how to resolve it? Seize the time to learn to be a gentle and considerate good daughter, a good daughter who is obedient and well-behaved, a good daughter who can nurture your heart and truly satisfy you, not just a --- daughter who provides material support and care?
After many tearful catharsis, your daughter embarked on a path of calm introspection. Dear Mother, your child knows that all the regrets in the world can only be made up by love, and even if it is difficult to change herself, she will definitely do it. Did you know that she is practicing correcting her own shortcomings, she looks for answers in books, and finds direction in reflection and reflection at three in the morning. Not thinking about the past, not afraid of the future, grasping every present, will be an opportunity for change. Please believe that in the days to come, she will definitely make you feel at ease and no longer lonely.
☆ About the author: Yang Yang, a native of Miluo, Hunan, a nurse, currently lives in Guangzhou.
Original article, please indicate the author and source when reprinting
Editor: Yi Shusheng