01
Ever since my son entered puberty, I don't know from what day I started, and as soon as I talked to him, I would quarrel.
Especially when it comes to learning, the final result is always unhappy.
I can't get used to him being in his second year of junior high school, and there are still a bunch of problems that affect his studies:
Lack of enthusiasm and initiative to learn, holding the mobile phone to watch as soon as the opportunity;
Like to procrastinate and rub, writing homework is not efficient;
Do not care about the results, others can not say, as soon as they say it, they blow their beards and stare;
......
And so, in the vicious circle of my discipline, he didn't listen; I tried harder, he was more disobedient, and final exams were imminent.
It was almost time for the exam, but my son's grades were declining.
The class teacher sent me WeChat to let me communicate more with my children, use more snacks, and work hard.
But as soon as I talked about studying, my son was particularly disgusted, and my relationship with my son became more and more tense.
That day, because in the end it was to learn first and then look at the mobile phone, I still played with the mobile phone first and then studied, my son and I did not give in to each other, fierce confrontation.
I asked my son to complete all the learning tasks today and relax the rest of the time;
But my son insisted on looking at his mobile phone first, saying that I was "sick" and "awkward", that is, I liked to interfere with him and could not see that he was comfortable.
The son's emotions got out of control during the quarrel and he began to say nothing.
In a fit of rage, I slapped my son hard.
Although I regretted it afterwards and apologized to my son, my son completely closed his heart to me.
From that day on, as long as my son opened his mouth, whether it was telling him to eat and dress, or study, my son would close the door impatiently and would not tell me anything.
In such a state of parent-child relationship and learning, the son's grades are getting worse and worse.
During that time, the anxiety kept me up all night.
I can't figure out why when I was a child I said what I was a son, but now I say a word, he tops a sentence.
In this way, we are both about to become enemies, not to mention, my son's study is completely ruined!
In the face of this "oil and salt" and strong self-awareness of the child, how should I educate him and how to get along with him?
02
In order to find effective ways to guide and educate my son, I began to teach myself family education and psychology.
In the process of learning, the teacher gave me a suggestion: withdraw myself from the current mother-child relationship, and only need to provide basic security for daily life: eating, drinking, living, and traveling.
I didn't understand it for a moment, and the teacher further explained:
"From now on, don't see him as your biological son, and don't see yourself as his biological mother."
"You think of him as a friend's child, please take care of him."
"You will treat your friend's child as you would."
I believed it, but followed the teacher's method and carried it out for two weeks.
In just 14 days, I saw unimaginable changes in my son.
First of all, in the face of my son's declining grades, I no longer lose my temper as usual, accusing my son of not being careful and not working hard.
Instead, he asked peacefully why, listening to his plans.
If there is any need for my help, such as reporting for classes, buying materials, etc., I will fully support;
If it is something I can't solve, I will leave it to my son to deal with it himself, and I will not urge interference.
Second, let go of the all-round package that is airtight to the son.
That day, because of the sudden cooling, I blew a wind on the road and started to have a fever as soon as I got home.
If it were to pass, even if it was uncomfortable, I would struggle to prepare a nutritious dinner for my son.
But that day, I remembered the ideas that my teacher had taught me in class.
So, I let go of myself and let go of the constant supervision of my son.
Anyway, a meal can't eat four dishes and one soup, and it's not a big deal. There is a lot of food in the family, and my son is not hungry.
When my son came home, he didn't care about the meal that had not been prepared, but hurriedly found medicine for me.
Poured water, watched me finish my medicine, and told me again that I wanted to eat and told him that he had given me the strip.
Then, I grabbed two loaves of bread and went back to my room to study.
This scene made me feel very emotional.
In fact, the son's heart is still the little warm man who likes to care for and take care of his mother like when he was a child.
But why did I use the wrong way of education to force him to lose it?
It was also from that day that the atmosphere of our Cold War was completely shattered.
Gradually, what I said, my son was willing to listen, and his grades also improved significantly.
From boredom and rebellion to positive and harmonious, when I shared this joy with the teacher, the teacher told me that behind the transformation of the parent-child relationship, there are actually two directions that I need to continue to adjust.
03
The first direction: from constantly losing temper with children, reasoning, to a peaceful, accepting way of getting along.
Many parents repeatedly jump across two common ways when communicating with their children:
First of all, he reasoned with the child;
If the child does not listen, or the effect is not good, the parent will turn on the blame mode and lose his temper with the child.
But no matter which one it is, in the end, it will not be able to get the results that the parents want.
This is because when people communicate, what is said accounts for only 7% of the total effect of communication, and the rest is determined by your tone and attitude.
When parents communicate with their children, if the parents' expressions are disappointed and angry, and the tone of voice sounds sharp and reprimanding, then the child feels only noise and anger.
Even if the original intention of parents is for the good of their children, the reason is very correct, and in the end it will not have any effect.
The most the child can say is, "Okay, got it!" "Actually, I didn't listen to it at all.
I remembered the scene when I communicated with my son before, and it was usually like this:
I was first dissatisfied with my son's state, so I began to urge and preach, and he turned a deaf ear;
My son's confrontational state made me feel angry, so I increased the intensity of discipline and opened the mode of accusation and reprimand;
The son was annoyed, yelling "get out", "Can you please stop bothering me", "You don't talk! ”......
Now that I think about it, my son's rebellious psychology was actually stimulated by my wrong way of communicating.
Every day as soon as I saw him, I began to ask for three sentences, even when eating:
"Hurry up and write your homework after eating, don't rub it."
"You have to hurry, you have to have a sense of urgency in your heart, and you will soon be in the third year of junior high school."
A single, lack of communication methods, so that children every day from morning to night, feel only questioning and preaching, ears are filled with scores, learning, bear too much negative energy, there is no way to hide.
Adolescent children have slowly gained their own opinions, and the "reasoning" and "tantrums" of parents not only do not play any role, but will destroy the parent-child relationship.
At this time, if parents can put aside the anxious mentality and adopt a peaceful tone and expression to face their children, they can find that reason and violence cannot be exchanged, and tolerance and acceptance can be.
The second direction: from seeing only test scores, to putting parent-child relationship first.
There is a "water management theory" that can be borrowed from the parent-child relationship.
That is, if you want the water to flow smoothly, you must first make sure that the water pipe is smooth.
Similarly, the relationship between parents and children is like a pipe and water.
If the parent-child relationship is intimate and harmonious, then the parents are willing to listen to what the parents say;
If the parent-child relationship is tense and antagonistic, then no matter what the parent says, the child will reject it.
Education can only play a role if the parent-child relationship is good.
In the past, on the way to pick up my son from school, I would always use this half an hour to educate my son.
Teach learning habits, compare with other people's children, preach and learn the meaning of the future...
Often in exchange for the son irritable "can you let me be quiet for a while!" ”
Now, during the time on the road, I only talk to my son aimlessly.
Sometimes talk about the difficulties I encountered in the unit, let my son help me get ideas; or what appliances should be changed at home, what brand to choose, and ask my son's opinion.
What touched me was that while walking on the road, my son would take the initiative to help me carry things.
In the process of communicating with my son, I found that he had his own observations and opinions on many things, and he could also analyze the reasons head-on.
It turned out that my child was actually quite good, but when I focused on his academic performance, I automatically ignored the shining points in him.
When I let go of the "utilitarian" theory of meritocracy and fully accepted my son, my son also let down his guard, and the relationship between mother and son became more and more harmonious.
I am deeply aware of the child's desire to be seen, accepted, and recognized.
In daily life, we often only see the shortcomings of the child, focusing on how to make him correct and change.
But ignore the highlights of the child, give encouragement and praise in time.
And the best and only way to get into the child's heart and exert the influence of parents is to give him the recognition and respect he wants, and to give him time to trust and grow.
04
In the process of learning, I gradually became aware:
Arrogant and stubborn parents will only keep blaming their children, but they have never thought that they do not understand education, resulting in a rupture of parent-child relationship;
Sober and wise parents, after seeing their children have problems, will actively learn and change their own educational methods to heal their children and improve relationships.
I remember a parent-child education expert said: "The parent-child relationship is the relationship that children are worth relying on in the world." This relationship is broken, and if the child really encounters something in the future, the parents will not be able to hold up. Because children will not talk to parents, parents want to help but can not help, that is our failure as parents. ”
When we do not regard our children as our own children, but as "tasks" entrusted to us by our friends, we will be surprised to find:
Let go of control, and the child will grow spontaneously in freedom;
Give up criticism and the child will progress in appreciation.
The identity of parents begins from the moment the child is born; but to do this role well, we need to practice for a lifetime.
Please pay attention to me, I will continue to share the educational stories of adolescent children~