The spring of 2022 is a not peaceful spring.
After the epidemic was repeated, another wave of people began to isolate at home, and everyone felt some depression and gloom.
Everything is a little similar to the spring of 2020, but also a little different.
The protagonist of the article shared today is @Ms. Wang.
The changes that have taken place in her in the years since the epidemic has continued may give you some inspiration.
When Ms. Wang found me, it was two years ago when the country pressed the pause button because of the epidemic.
It was the Spring Festival, most of the people needed to stay at home, and she, her husband and son were also trapped at home.
In the first few video consultations, Ms. Wang was emotionally intense and told me about the suffering at home.
She was anxious, very anxious.
Anxiety is so bad that it is difficult to sit still, and it is impossible to work at home.
Sometimes just after sitting in front of the computer, she needs to go to the balcony and pace back and forth, taking a little breath.
Across the screen, I already felt the anxiety and uneasiness that Came from Ms. Wang's face.
"I've been at home for too long, and I don't like anyone now."
"It's unbearable, it's too hard to survive these days."
"Why are days at home like going to jail?"
Ms. Wang said that it was often like a nameless fire surging up in her heart, which could not be extinguished and spread to her family.
Her husband still cooks as usual, but she has no appetite at first, and then she finds it difficult to eat and questions the wrong way she cooks.
My son's class was transferred from school to room. Ms. Wang began to worry involuntarily about whether her son was studying seriously, she stipulated that her son could not close the door, and from time to time secretly saw from behind the door whether his son had listened carefully to the lecture.
After a few days, her son and husband were also tired and full of negative emotions, and the whole family was filled with a smell of gunpowder.
Once, the son accidentally saw his mother quietly appear behind the door from the screen, holding his breath after the class, and had a big fight with Ms. Wang at dinner.
The adolescent son roared angrily with a red face:
You haven't usually managed me, why are you managing so much now?!
The husband also followed his son and accused Ms. Wang of her behavior in the past few days.
Ms. Wang, who was dumbfounded, was both angry and blamed herself, but she could not control herself.
The chickens and dogs at home are jumping, and the work is not smooth - Ms. Wang can't help but get angry with her colleagues.
Later, when I thought about it, it was just a small thing, and it could be completely communicated and solved.
But Ms. Wang, who is angry, can't take care of so much, and outputs it in one brain, escalating the situation into a quarrel.
Anxiety made Ms. Wang an aggressive crossbow, strafing around.
She herself was not comfortable, and the people around her suffered with her.
Subsequently, after the epidemic was controlled, Ms. Wang also returned to the company's office.
Although her work status has recovered, her problem does not seem to be solved.
Every time I get home, I still fall into a state of emptiness and overwhelm.
Relations with her husband and son are still bad and have not eased.
At first, Ms. Wang attributed this state to her husband's incomprehension and did not do more to understand her hard work.
But as the number of visits increased, Ms. Wang found that this was not the case, and she suddenly realized:
It seems that from childhood to adulthood, she never liked to stay at home.
In order to know why Ms. Wang has come to this day, I tried to understand what really happened to her.
Ms. Wang graduated from a prestigious university and has since worked for a large state-owned enterprise.
From the perspective of others, she is a very beautiful woman in her career.
Colleagues' evaluation of her is: wind and fire, fierce and fierce.
Look back at her birth family.
She grew up in a very harsh family environment, and her parents had high requirements and expectations for her.
Ms. Wang has also been working hard to meet her parents' requirements and has not lived up to their parents' expectations.
At school, she was notoriously hardworking. My grades were also very good and I was admitted to a good university.
After joining the work, she also strives to be the best one.
With this earnest and desperate effort, she slowly went from a low-level employee to an executive of a regional branch.
Decades of cognitive habits have made her stand alone at work.
In her personal life, she was also lucky to meet a husband who was tolerant of her.
While he was "outside the Lord", the husband took care of the big and small things in the family, including taking care of his son.
But her helplessness lies in the fact that no matter how much success she has made at work, no matter how willing her husband is to take care of her family, after returning home, she always has a feeling of "panic".
I can't say why, but staying outside is always more accustomed and more comfortable.
Looking back on Ms. Wang's early life.
Extremely harsh parents and a high-pressure and dull family atmosphere, although they forced her to become excellent, also made her have a strong "avoidance" from the family.
The way to avoid family is also to study harder.
In her repeated education, only the achievements she has achieved academically can she feel appreciated by her parents and feel a sense of security when she returns home.
This is also one of the driving forces that pushes her to identify with her parents' parenting style.
When Ms. Wang became an adult, she substituted this cognitive model of "home" into the family she formed.
Home was dull and uncomfortable—she was still habitually avoidant.
However, at this time, she changed to avoid it by working hard.
Until the outbreak of the epidemic, a family of three needed to be isolated at home, ms. Wang had nowhere to hide-
She had to face her inner anxiety and finally couldn't resist and could only seek the help of a professional counselor.
Ms. Wang's experience is not unique.
Home is a warm haven for many people, but for many, it is not.
They seem to live in a very "normal" family, with a pair of "ordinary" parents and an "ordinary" upbringing.
If it weren't for the awakening of self-awareness, they would never have realized that the original family brought so much resistance and avoidance to themselves.
To solve a problem similar to Ms. Wang's, we need to start from two aspects:
1. Reconstruct the defense;
2, a new perspective to see the new home.
The first is to refactor the defense.
Why refactor defenses?
Because the defense method of the "original family" is no longer suitable for the new family.
At first, Ms. Wang's attitude toward her parents' parenting style was vague, and she fell into a contradiction of "agreeing with my parents and not liking this way".
This feeling is accompanied by intense love, but also with strong uneasiness.
During the consultation, we repeatedly communicated:
Compared to your peers, you are already a very good woman in your career, do you agree with your parents' way of educating?
If you're not good enough, do you think your parents will still love you?
Although Ms. Wang was somewhat dissatisfied with her early experience of being spurred on, she also agreed with the positive impact it had on her, prompting her to work hard and be independent.
Recognizing her own achievements and going back to the source, Ms. Wang seems to have finally understood a truth:
All along, I seemed to feel that only by studying and working hard could I gain a sense of security. It turned out that this was influenced by the parents.
In the consultation room, she realized this and burst into tears.
The little girl who has been riveting herself to study since she was a child has never really grown up.
As an adult, she still did not dare to relax and worked and lived lightly.
Counselor Milton Erikson once said that many people have problems because of rigidity.
Sticking to the old pattern and living unconsciously.
Without consciousness, there is no possibility of change.
But once this is deeply perceived, change is easy to happen.
Ms. Wang's heart, which has been tense for decades, has loosened a little after several consultations.
But that's not enough.
Ms. Wang's concept of family is still vague, and the current family is a newly formed family between her and her husband.
She also needs to see her new home from a new perspective.
Later, Ms. Wang invited her husband into the consultation room.
In the consultation room, although the husband did not say much, he gave Ms. Wang a deep hug whenever she was emotional.
He slowly understood Ms. Wang's previous attacks on the family, and it turned out that everything was "excusable".
The presence of her husband gave Ms. Wang strong spiritual support.
The love that the family did not give in the early years, under the nourishment of her husband, Ms. Wang was satisfied.
Outside the consultation room, the husband also took the initiative to arrange for Ms. Wang to participate in the growth of her son.
During the parent-teacher conference, the couple will participate together.
Every time the son's monthly exam is over, the three of them will celebrate together.
Ms. Wang said that on weekends, she tried to cook with her husband, although she was not skilled in it, but only helped to lay hands.
But the feeling of two people making a beautiful meal together was nice.
She began to enjoy, at home.
Our consultation relationship, in the course of a year, was over with the overcoming of various difficulties.
In the spring of 2022, the national epidemic is another outbreak, and everyone is tired in the normalization of the fight against the epidemic.
Including as a counselor, I experienced unspeakable anxiety during this time.
Two weeks ago, the assistant showed me a long WeChat message with the core content of the message:
The second time I was home for a long time, I was able to be alone and face my family, including my parents.
This WeChat is from Ms. Wang.
The moment I saw the message, my negative emotions seemed to be alleviated slightly.
Whether it is the epidemic, whether it is at home, all kinds of discomfort... In fact, it is only the fuse of the surface.
Whether we are at peace and ease or not, in the final analysis, lies in our hearts.
As the pandemic continues, we are still grappling with unprecedented challenges, and Ms. Wang has been able to calmly face the "home life" that she could not adapt to two years ago.
What positive changes have you, who are reading this article, compared to two years ago?