Hello everyone, I'm Cuckoo Mama~
My friend told me something, and I thought I could talk to you.
A few small children came to the house as guests, and friends beckoned their daughters to treat the little guests well. The children had a lot of fun, and the friends were happy to do their own thing.
When the children were gone, the friend saw her daughter sitting alone on the ground, holding a Barbie doll in her hand, and she only bowed her head and did not make a sound. When the friend looked closer, he saw that his daughter still had tears in her eyes.
What's going on?
The friend was a little distressed and hurried to inquire. Only then did she know that when the children were playing, they accidentally tore the skirt of her most beloved doll.
This is your favorite doll, haven't you always been stored in the drawer, how can you take it out for everyone to play with? My friend was a little puzzled.
The daughter replied that when everyone was looking for something, they found this doll and wanted to play with it. At first she refused, but she couldn't resist everyone's begging, so she agreed.
Unexpectedly, the doll's clothes were still broken. Seeing the doll like this, she did not dare to say much, but she was silently uncomfortable, and even when the children were gone, she dared to cry.
Alas, this child is good at everything, but he is too timid to know how to refuse, and he must not always be wronged after this. The friend sighed.
After listening to my friend's story, the first word that popped up in my mind was a flattering personality.
If we don't want our children to form such a character, we should avoid always "wronging ourselves and perfecting others" in the future. Then, we must try not to make the child have such a personality.
One: "Flattering" is a dangerous personality
In psychology, "flattering personality" is defined as always putting the needs of others first and trying to please others.
You might say, what about such people? Who wouldn't think about pleasing others first?
I would like to say that this kind of person is really quite common.
● Their most typical characteristic is that they dare not refuse.
When others asked him for something, they knew that they had other arrangements, but in order not to displease others, they pushed off their own affairs and went to accomplish other people's affairs. Although this matter has nothing to do with him, even rejection is a common human feeling.
But in order to get someone else's "you are really good", or not to let others be disappointed and dissatisfied with him, he would rather wronged himself than fulfill others.
● I also pay special attention to the feelings and emotions of others.
When the people around him lose their temper, he will also tremble with fear, afraid that he has angered the other party.
Moreover, he is also easily infected by the emotions of those around him. Obviously, others are in negative emotions, but it is difficult for him to be happy. It was as if the man who had experienced something bad was himself.
● Love to help others, but dare not trouble others when they have something to do
When others make a request, even if he is unhappy, he will still do a good job for others.
And when you have difficulties, you don't dare to ask others for help, because you are afraid of trouble with others, afraid of provoking complaints from others. Therefore, no matter how much pressure there is, you must grit your teeth and carry it yourself.
If you have such a person around you, then he is a "flattering" person.
Second, what do "flattering" people think in their hearts?
When children do not understand rejection and habitually pander to others, the first thing we must understand is what the child's inner state is.
Generally speaking, when a child is playing, he does not know how to reject others, and he usually has such a thought in his heart: I want everyone to like me.
Children will evaluate themselves according to the evaluation of the outside world. When a child's sense of self-worth is low, he mistakenly believes that as long as someone does not like him and accuses him, he is not good and does not deserve to be loved.
So, to avoid such accusations, he wants everyone to think he's fine.
In addition, a child who is rarely recognized will instinctively feel happy and satisfied when he hears the praise of others. Therefore, in order to pursue this pleasure, he will constantly "please" others.
Children also have a psychology that they are more fragile inside and are afraid of being criticized by others.
Rejection means conflict, and the accusations and criticisms brought about by conflict will hurt children's hearts. In order to escape this harm, the child does not have the courage to refuse, so as to please others.
Three: What kind of family will raise a flattering type of person?
If you look at the children who are "painfully sensible", you will find that their parents are generally stricter.
For example, when my friend treats his daughter, he almost does not allow his child to say "no."
If the child wants to buy red shoes and the friend thinks that the black is more versatile, she will not allow the child to give a different opinion. Otherwise, the child will be severely criticized.
Sometimes, friends will put things like "Mom doesn't like you anymore" on their lips.
The child does not want to play with a certain child, the friend will say, you are a sister, you have to let people ah, otherwise the mother does not like you.
The child wants to play with the sand, but the friend thinks it will get his clothes dirty, so he says, you go swing and play with some sand. Go ahead, or your mother won't like it.
These actions will make the child feel that the love of the parents is conditional. Only when he meets the conditions of his parents will he be loved and recognized.
The child is used to this mode of getting along, and he will copy this way to other relationships. In socializing, he will also feel that only if he meets the conditions proposed by others, he is valuable and recognized.
Four: How parents can guide
If we find that our children have a "flattering" tendency, then we may as well be tolerant of our children and allow them to have their own ideas.
In fact, even if the child does something wrong, it doesn't matter, we really don't have much to lose. The child can also learn from his mistakes and become a valuable asset in his life.
And, don't attach too many conditions to your child's love. When you say something like "Mom doesn't like you anymore," your child may really be obedient because he doesn't dare or lose your love. But he may also develop a flattering personality because he is afraid of losing the recognition of the outside world.
In addition, if the child does not dare to refuse in interpersonal communication, then we can try to teach him a few small ways to change the situation.
For example, a child has a favorite toy that he does not want to share, but his friend asks to take it out and play with it. Kids can do that.
No immediate response
If someone else makes a request, if the child does not want to agree, but does not have the courage to refuse immediately, it may as well delay the time.
Don't respond immediately, give yourself time to think and make choices. If I refuse, how can I be tactful? Do I really want to share this toy with him?
Children can think for a while.
Prepare the rhetoric
You can discuss procrastination with your child. Let me think, for example. Or maybe I'll have to use it, and you'll have to wait a minute.
Propose a compromise
If the child is reluctant and feels really embarrassed to refuse, then propose a compromise plan.
For example, tell your friends that this is my favorite toy, I am afraid that it will break, can you only see it and can't touch it?
Or, I haven't played enough myself, and you'll have to give it back to me after playing for a while, okay?
Propose a compromise that satisfies others without hurting yourself.
Have you ever met such a "flattering" person?
【Picture from the Internet, invasion and deletion】
About the author: Cuckoo mom, a good observation, thinking, method of the mother. Focus on children's psychology, read children's easy parenting, like to pay attention to it~