A counselor came to me because of a relationship problem, and her role in the relationship was that of the female boss.
If it was me before, I might have discussed the problem of getting along in love, but I was already a semi-acquainted counselor, and after asking and listening, I initially figured out the root of her problems—————— flattering personality.
Specifically, because the principle of confidentiality is not described in detail, now I mainly share with you how to judge that you are a flattering personality, what harm is a flattering personality, and how to change it.
As long as there is an evaluation, there must be a standard, so there are also their own standards for judging whether they are flattering personalities, and the standards are as follows:
Standards of conduct:
1. Downplay when others reject you; and when you reject others, you feel like you've made a big mistake.
2. When helping others, be more careful than doing your own thing, and even feel that it is your duty; and you will never ask for it, because you are afraid of rejection.
3. When you are with others, you are always afraid of the cold field and always take the initiative to find a topic. Even chatting on WeChat, there is no second back will be guilty; each time will carefully consider their own wording and expressions, the content in the dialog box is written and deleted, always afraid of saying the wrong thing.
4. Do not dare to show bad emotions, do not dare to cry, because they are afraid that their negative energy will affect others.
5. Others borrow their own money, do not dare to talk about repaying the money, really can not survive to ask for money, as if they have done something wrong.
6. When shopping online, you usually read the comments to see the size to see the instructions, you can not find customer service without looking for customer service, even if you are not satisfied after buying back, you will not return the goods, and you can bear it.
7. Extremely sensitive, careful to fear offending people, each time commenting on a thing to think of a long wording, commenting on the fear of friends are not happy, do not comment also afraid that they are unhappy.
8. Don't dare to send too much circle of friends a day, afraid of disturbing others, afraid that others feel that they are very annoyed, chats are often withdrawn, and circles of friends are often deleted in seconds.
Psychological criteria:
1. Be particularly sensitive to the feelings of others
Especially care about other people's views of themselves, afraid that what they have done others will not like, the more they pay attention to each other, the more they will worry, resulting in doing anything carefully, a small mistake will also be chafed for a long time;
2. Exalt others and demean yourself
There is no opinion, others say what to eat, others say to play what to play, their own actions are based on the evaluation of others, very afraid of being rejected, lower their own heart is safer;
3. Don't dare to make a request, it's hard to refuse someone
Afraid to say no, do not understand rejection, will be taken advantage of by others will also choose to be silent, worried that once rejected, the relationship with others will break down, never dare to express their own needs, very afraid of adding trouble to others, worried that they will become a burden to others;
4. Lack of boundaries and principles
Doing everything is done to please others, not only can not keep boundaries, allow others to point fingers in their own lives, but also often break through the boundaries of others, eager to establish intimate relationships and often hurt because others can not meet their expectations.
You can compare the above criteria if there are 8 or more of the 12 points, then there is a tendency to please the personality.
So what is the harm of flattering personality?
Suppressing a lot of emotions always thinking of being loved by others and needed by others will produce a lot of negative emotions.
Easy to exploit. If you always like to please others, then you will be abused to some extent. This kind of pleasing heart is in the heart of some people who like to take advantage of others, and it is easy to be used.
3. No one really understands the "real" you, including yourself.
So how do we solve this problem? First of all, it is better to explain that the flattering personality is not so much a flattering interpersonal mode, which can be changed, but it takes more time, and most people can change it in 88 days or 3 months.
Here are a few useful methods: choose one, if it is useless, you can find a counselor to consult, you need to know that everyone is special, if the general method is not useful, then you need to customize.
Method 1: Take a piece of paper, list all the flattering behaviors, and stop one by one
Method 2: Repeat the sentence "I don't please her, I reject her, I ask for it, I don't have a big deal to do with myself, it's my legitimate right, no one can do anything with me" 3 times a day
Method 3:Write an expressive diary, record the facts, your psychological feelings, and what you want to do in the future, writing for 15 to 20 minutes a day