the other day
I saw a topic on Zhihu,
It's called "How to Change the Flattering Personality."
Many netizens in the topic left their own opinions,
There are a few comments like this,
Poked me in the heart:
"I'm a flatterer.
I curry favor with others because I am afraid that the other party will not be satisfied with me.
I'm afraid the other person will get angry,
The anger of others evokes my fear of being abandoned. ”
"It's too painful, there's never a feeling of happiness,
It's like living for someone else all the time. ”
"Have been a flatterer for so many years,
I'm really sorry for myself for burying myself for so many years. ”
After reading these messages,
In addition to the emotion, I also feel very sad,
Can't help but think of myself in order to maintain a good image,
So try to please others,
Wronged yourself, fulfilled others,
It also became my life creed for a while.
"I am my own master."
As Gillerup said,
Every time we try our best to go along with others,
When you try your best to get the affirmation and response of others,
Often feel very tired, very boring,
But I think I can't give up,
Can't give up the previous achievements,
As if you just relax for half a minute,
Others will immediately hate themselves,
But I never realized that
In fact, all this can not make yourself happy at all,
The all-day flattery will not make you popular,
On the contrary, it will make you more and more disgusted with yourself,
At the same time, for others,
You are even less worthy of being taken seriously.
In life,
Many people may encounter such a situation:
When rejecting others, you always feel guilty;
Before talking to someone,
Always rehearsed countless times in the mind,
I'm afraid that I have half a word that is wrong;
Before doing anything, be afraid that others will get angry...
We always involuntarily,
Put other people's ideas first in everything,
And lower your feelings,
Thinking that this would be foolproof,
But everyone ignored it.
Blindly pleasing others,
It doesn't get the results you expect.
The Japanese drama "We Can't Be Beasts" that I watched a while ago,
The heroine of the play, Deep Sea Crystal,
It is the epitome of some of us in real life.
On the surface, Deep Sea Crystal is a rational and capable and beautiful white-collar worker,
But inside is a heavily flattering personality.
In the company,
Because deep sea crystals will never refuse,
So her boss gave her a workload of nine people.
Colleagues who want to be lazy will also give her all the work,
Every time something went wrong, he always pushed her out to carry the pot,
In the face of these things,
Deep Sea Crystal, even though there is all kinds of reluctance in his heart,
But every time I would accept it with a smile.
Her flattering personality certainly doesn't stop there.
Back at home, the boyfriend who has been dating for a long time said that he wanted to live together,
But she has been living with her ex, and she has accepted it.
Even knocked down by a drunk passenger on the subway,
When pressed against the glass window,
She habitually uses the sleeves,
Wipe the glass that was rubbed against your face.
Because in her eyes,
Although I am very uncomfortable,
But compared to myself,
The feelings of others are more important.
But she did all this,
No one really cared.
Deep Sea Crystal in the work of the attitude of doing their best,
But it made her even more confused in the workplace,
Colleagues rely on her without a bottom line at the same time,
The boss also never gave an understanding,
Instead, he more naturally summoned and rebuked her.
And the same goes for boyfriends,
When the two decided to talk about marriage,
Or choose to live with your ex,
Even if Deep Sea Crystal is very concerned about his feelings,
But he never considered her.
Deep Sea Crystal only found out at that time,
The more I try to fit in,
Trying to cater to others,
The more I was pushed out of the circle.
Many people say that in the play,
Seeing that cautious self,
When encountering anything, I first want to take care of myself of others,
It's like a monster of this world.
Wronged yourself,
Even deliberately ignoring your own feelings,
Just to show kindness to others,
I'd rather be labeled as a flattering personality,
I don't want to change myself,
I don't know,
This guy who seems to be the most gregarious,
In fact, it is the lonely patient who is outlier.
"I have not spread my wounds and let them be slaughtered,
Healing no one knows, and I am frustrated. ”
We always associate flattery with high emotional intelligence.
High emotional intelligence is indeed an advantage,
But high emotional intelligence does not mean that you are very good at pleasing others.
If you ask me what is the difference between the two?
I would like to say:
To please is to deliberately lower the posture,
To win the other person's favor and get things done.
And high emotional intelligence is when both sides pose equally,
You can still get things done.
As everyone knows
Whether in the entertainment industry or in the eyes of the audience,
Huang Bo has always been a representative of high emotional intelligence.
In an interview, the host asked Huang Bo:
"Everyone likes to evaluate you with high emotional intelligence,
Do you think so? ”
Huang Bo replied with a smile:
"That's one of the biggest misunderstandings.
Some things are willing to make a joke,
You're willing to take on more,
You are willing to do something that others do not want to do,
It's high emotional intelligence, that's it,
Sometimes I don't want to hurt people. ”
In this passage of Huang Bo,
I realized the true meaning of emotional intelligence:
Do not deliberately please others, nor do you wronged yourself.
But we always have ways around us to please people,
Even those who do not hesitate to aggrieved themselves.
Fear that others will not be happy,
So I didn't even dare to say what I had to say;
Afraid that others will turn their faces,
Therefore, those who make unreasonable demands are not rejected;
Fear of being excluded, marginalized,
So I smiled and echoed every reluctance in my heart...
Mistakenly think that this is "high emotional intelligence",
but ignored people with really high emotional intelligence,
Must be maintaining the independence of personality,
On the basis of equal coexistence,
Let each other be harmonious and comfortable,
And people who blindly pay attention to pleasing,
It will only get more and more humble.
In fact, everyone will have,
When you crave the approval of others.
We also want to do what we do,
Can get the other side's appreciation.
But when you discover reality,
When it is contrary to what you think in your heart,
Timely stop loss is particularly important.
Since pleasing others does not change anything,
Instead of letting yourself get bogged down in a quagmire,
It's better to put yourself back in,
Equal position with others,
That will make you happier.
Mention the name Jiang Fangzhou,
It should be hard for everyone to put her,
Associated with a flattering personality.
At the age of 9, he began to publish books,
The college entrance examination was admitted to Tsinghua University.
At the age of 23, she became the deputy editor of New Weekly.
But in "Strange Flowers Conference",
Confess that you have a flattering personality,
And shared his own personal experience:
When arguing with a boyfriend,
The other party has been scolding her on the phone,
But she apologized to the other party,
Say sorry for two hours,
The other party did not stop there,
Instead, he called her again and again;
From college to when I was a journalist after graduation,
Chatting with some teachers and guests,
Feeling that the other person is full of nonsense,
But she will still praise each other respectfully,
Even if you accumulate a lot of dissatisfaction and want to refute it,
Still say:
"You've talked too much, give us another paragraph."
And Jiang Fangzhou also said,
When you find yourself with a flattering personality,
I feel that my outlook on life has collapsed,
I even began to wonder if I had lived correctly for the first 20 years.
But then she also perked up,
Decided to face this problem bravely,
It took a lot of ways to overcome it.
For example: take the initiative to share your ideas with others,
Express yourself boldly when you are dissatisfied,
Even when emotionally depressed, say something drastic.
And the situation has slowly improved a lot.
Under such a change,
Jiang Fangzhou also believes that
I am becoming happier and happier, more and more comfortable,
It is also becoming more and more like the original self.
In fact, the flattering personality is not a flood beast,
It's not as scary as we think.
But we have to be brave enough to face it,
In order to take the initiative to overcome it.
Change the flattering personality,
Nor does it make you stop being kind,
It's not that you're covered in thorns all the time,
It's not to put yourself in a humble position,
Don't always affirm others,
It's easy to deny yourself.
Because you're a landscape,
There is no need to look up in other people's landscapes.
Mr. Qian Zhongshu once said to his wife Yang Dai:
"Those who are exquisite in all aspects and sociable,
People will also say bad things.
So people like us who are not good at socializing,
It's normal to be misunderstood.
Since it will be said in any way,
It's better to be yourself. ”
Deeply.
No matter how hard we try and give,
It is impossible to avoid that there will be dissatisfaction in people's hearts,
We can't please everyone.
It's better to give up on this,
Allow yourself to live your life comfortably.
The most important thing in life,
In fact, it is not to be a better version of yourself.
It's about being better at being yourself.
If you lose yourself,
And what about the so-called "better self."
And everyone has their own unique value,
If you give up your personality and worth,
To create a person who is liked,
It means that you attracted,
Not the one who really appreciates you the most.
People who really appreciate you,
Always appreciate the way you are proud,
Instead of you pretending to be humble and flattering.
As the philosopher Baskerry said:
"If you don't love yourself,
You will never love others. ”