As the saying goes, where there are people, there are rivers and lakes.
That kindergarten may be the first jianghu in life.
Although we are all "child" age, the interpersonal communication in kindergarten is not at all easier than ours.
Many old mothers have also broken their hearts for this:
The child is very slow and hot, does not like to talk, will not be able to make friends;
My child has a bit of a strong personality, always likes to compete for the first, and likes to yell at people, and must be hated;
My daughter is very timid and does not like to move, and does not know if she can fit in.
Hoping that children are popular and know how to make friends is the simple expectation of many parents for their children.
but... Many worries may just be parents' own wild speculations.
Education cannot rely on one's own imagination.
After carefully watching this documentary about children's social networking, I found that these 2 types of children are easily excluded.
01
Socializing is for kids
Far more important than you think
The documentary "The Mysterious Life of a Child" records the life of a 4-6 year old child in kindergarten for a week.
In the documentary, we can get a glimpse of the child's truest social state.
On the first day of school, the last child to walk into the classroom was named Jiarun.
Perhaps because I am not familiar with everyone, Jiarun did not go to everyone after entering the door.
Instead, it is secretly observing, wandering back and forth.
It was hard to pluck up the courage to join and sit in the middle of the children, but because they sat in the wrong position, they were told: This is someone, you can't sit here.
Jiarun, who was originally a bit introverted, silently walked away after being "driven away".
Probably because he couldn't integrate into everyone, Jiarun broke down and cried.
This scene really has a strong sense of substitution, and I have seen my own children crying and weeping after being "rejected".
Later, Jiarun continued to actively integrate into everyone.
When everyone was doing the game, Jiarun also walked over and wanted to participate.
But it still ended in failure.
In the subsequent interviews, the children also showed their dislike for Jiarun.
Jiarun, which has been working hard to integrate, has left the impression on other children: they do not like to talk and cry.
Grandma Jiarun said: "Xu Jiarun is a slow-heat type of child, usually take him to the playground, he does not dare to take the initiative to make friends, basically every day at home to play by himself." ”
Not active, alone, not fond of talking, which is also common to many slow-heat children.
Yue Hao, who is completely opposite to Jiarun's personality, has a lively personality and a strong sense of leadership, and will soon be able to mingle with the children.
But surprisingly, he was also classified as "disliked" by the children.
The reason given by the children is that he always likes to hit people.
Taking away the classmate's things, the classmates disagreed, Yue Hao was in a hurry, said: "Be careful that I punch you in the face!" ”；
Losing the game, unconvinced, I went up to grab the trophy of my friend.
Yue Hao, who said that he would do it, gave people a strong sense of aggression.
Other children, out of their instinct for self-preservation, will gradually alienate him.
It can be seen that "introverted, crying children" and "aggressive children" will be more difficult to integrate into the group.
And these children, who cannot integrate into the group, will also feel powerless and anxious about social interaction.
Over time, they will close themselves off and resist socializing.
I once saw a questionnaire survey of more than 20 primary and secondary schools in Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and other places.
One of the questions was, "What was the proudest thing you were most proud of in school?"
The data shows:
46.19% of children said that what they are most proud of is that they can help the people around them solve problems;
Only 21.07% of children believe that it is a matter of pride to do well in exams or to win in competitions.
When they enter the hearts of children, they find that "being a useful and needed person" occupies such an important position in their hearts.
Their desire to fit into the group is also far beyond our imagination.
02
The best way to make friends
It must start with equality
We always feel that the child has not made good friends, it must be that he is not active enough.
"If others don't play with you, then you take the initiative and share your toys and snacks with them?" We are also used to putting such words on our lips.
Because many parents believe that as long as their children are active enough, they will make good friends.
But is that really the case?
Thinking of one of the things that her girlfriend said before, she bought 5 cards for her child on the weekend, and the next day the child brought the stickers to the kindergarten, but when she returned, there was only 1 in the bag.
After asking, I learned that in order to make friends, although my daughter was very reluctant, she still gave the card to other children.
Girlfriends are sad to hear that their daughter wants to "please" in this way in order to keep friends.
Cai Kangyong once said: "If you are likable, but you lose yourself, that is the worst state of emotional intelligence." ”
This way, not only will they not make real friends, but over time, the child will even form a flattering personality.
Jiang Fangzhou, who is known as a genius writer, once told the story of his "flattering personality" in the program.
Jiang Fangzhou, who became famous at the age of 9 and became the deputy editor of New Weekly at the age of 23, once confessed: "I have never had a 'real' relationship with anyone. ”
"I became a flattering person because I wanted others to like me."
Compromise after compromise, breaking principles again and again, so that Jiang Fangzhou has been on the brink of pain and repression for a long time, and has gradually "lost himself".
Therefore, the most important thing for children to learn is not how to be more active, but that the establishment of all friendships should always come from the equality of relationships.
And flattery and pandering are the worst ways to make friends.
03
Meddle in your child's social interactions
It won't help him
In fact, starting from making children more active, many parents have inadvertently intervened in their children's social interactions.
Recently, I saw a news report that a parent in Nanjing, Jiangsu Province, rushed into the classroom angrily because his child had an argument with his classmates.
In front of the whole class, he confronted the other person (the child's classmate) and asked him to apologize.
Every child is the heart of the parents, and the parents' desire to protect their children is completely understandable.
But is this a good way to deal with it?
In the book Mom, They Bullied Me, the author calls this phenomenon "going back to school."
That is, some parents can't help but want to represent their children emotionally and emotionally, participating in the contradictions of their friendships, popularity, and social cruelty.
But after the parents deal with it, the child can socialize freely?
Not.
Children will become more sensitive and timid. If he encounters such a thing again, he will only avoid and be anxious.
Parents, on the other hand, seem to help their children solve problems, but invisibly deprive their children of the opportunity to learn to deal with social problems.
Friend or Foe: The Love and Pain of Children's Socialization says:
"If your child lacks the ability to engage with the social groups he's in, you're going to want to give that skill to him, but you can't do that." We can't intervene and we can't do it for you because your child has to learn to be self-reliant. ”
Therefore, for children to make friends, we may wish to interfere less, to leave them enough space to explore on their own.
04
As a parent
How to help properly
Social skills, not just language skills, but also many other abilities.
These abilities, to a large extent, determine a child's social skills more than language.
The ability to recognize and control emotions
First of all, we need to help children learn to recognize their emotions and be able to express them, and even sometimes need to have a certain degree of self-control.
For example, the child knows what happiness is and why it is happy; if it is angry, then why it is angry. If you are angry, but you can't break out at this time, how to release your emotions and so on.
The ability to understand the feelings of others
In the interaction with people, it is necessary to be able to identify the emotions of others and understand the feelings of others in order to be more smooth in communication, otherwise certain social barriers may be formed.
At home, too, some children have strong understanding ability, and as soon as they see that their parents' faces are not right, they begin to become obedient, while some do not understand.
Expressive ability
In fact, many introverted children are not good at expressing themselves.
When you can express your feelings through words or body movements, you can let your thoughts be perceived by others.
In this way, it is conducive to communication and exchange.
Environmental resilience
The environment that children face is changing. When the environment changes, learn to adjust yourself. Children must know how to speak and how to express themselves in different people and on different occasions.
The most important thing is that parents must be targeted.
When it is time to educate, we must educate in time; when it is time to let go, we must let go.
We can't be with them forever, nor can we replace them.
Rather than directly intervening to solve the problem, it is better to teach children more methods and let them solve it in their own way.
After all, it is better to teach people to fish than to teach people to fish.
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*The pictures in the text are from the Internet, the documentary "The Mysterious Life of Children" and the movie "Little Miss Sunshine", the copyright belongs to the original author, if you have any questions, please contact us in time to deal with it
Author: Vivi
This article only represents the author's personal views, the copyright belongs to Hong En, reprint please leave a message.