After Ye Minyi and Qi Tianzuo got married in "Chasing the Love Family", the marriage was not as beautiful as they imagined.
On the one hand, the inconsistency of the working hours of the two people led to very little time to get along, on the other hand, the current situation of Qi Tianzuo and his ex-girlfriend Quan Wei working together made Ye Minyi very uneasy, and the contradictions between the two sides were increasing, and Ye Minyi, who was disappointed, finally filed a divorce with Qi Tianzuo.
So many people especially do not understand, Ye Minyi herself is a master of psychology, but also has begun to work in the psychological clinic, why can not save her marriage? There are also some people who put this down to "the healer does not heal himself", believing that her expertise can only guide others, not help herself.
In fact, the ingredient that the healer does not self-medicate does exist, but it is not a key factor.
Let's start by thinking about two problems in their marriage.
First, is it right or wrong for Ye Minyi to force Qi Tianzuo to resign?
In general, we all agree that "there needs to be a sense of boundaries between husband and wife". That is to say, we need to leave a certain amount of personal space for the other party, and we cannot interfere in everything, let alone force the other party to make decisions.
From this point of view, Ye Minyi was wrong to force her husband to resign.
But in marriage, the "sense of boundaries" is actually a very delicate concept. You say you want to give the other party a certain amount of space, so how much space is appropriate? Some people just like each other to stick to themselves and help themselves take care of everything; others are very resistant to the other party interfering with themselves. So this needs to be treated on a case-by-case basis.
Like Ye Minyi and Qi Tianzuo, Ye Minyi did not interfere in Qi Tianzuo's work for no reason, but only made this request after discovering that he was drinking and chatting with his ex-girlfriend. Although the final decision should still be in the hands of Qi Tianzuo, Ye Minyi's request itself has its rationality and should not be ignored, because this is an expression of her own feelings.
Second, should Qi Tianzuo agree to Ye Minyi's request?
Many people think that husband and wife are first and foremost independent individuals, so what work I do, who I work with, as long as I like it, it is not about each other at all. In fact, this is a very selfish and irresponsible idea.
One of the responsibilities of marriage is that you have to take care of and respect each other's thoughts and feelings.
Since Qi Tianzuo's existing work made Ye Minyi feel bad, he should solve this problem. Of course, solving this problem does not mean that you must resign.
To be honest, if it wasn't for Qi Tianzuo drinking and talking with his ex-girlfriend, Ye Minyi wouldn't have to force him to resign. It was his actions that first made her feel insecure and brought about such a stressful response.
In other words, if he could get Ye Minyi to re-establish a sense of security without resigning, he could also solve this matter. For example, promise her to keep your distance from your ex-girlfriend in the future.
But what if none of the other methods work? If you want to continue this marriage, you can only compromise. In fact, this has nothing to do with right or wrong, but is the only way to manage marriage.
What do we find through these two questions?
You will find that the behavior of Qi Tianzuo and Ye Minyi is complementary and influences each other.
Ye Minyi discovered that Qi Tianzuo was too close to his ex-girlfriend and became insecure, so he offered to let Qi Tianzuo resign. Qi Tianzuo was dissatisfied with Ye Minyi's interference, so he adopted a negative response attitude, which caused Ye Minyi to be more anxious and more uncontrollable.
We thought in turn that if Qi Tianzuo hadn't had a drink and chat with his ex-girlfriend, Ye Minyi wouldn't have interfered so much in his work. If Ye Minyi's interference aroused Qi Tianzuo's reflection and attention and made a correct response, Ye Minyi would re-establish a sense of security and reduce his interference in the future.
It's going to be a cycle. Ye Minyi is essentially an insecure woman, so Qi Tianzuo's attitude is the key to their marital relationship. Qi Tianzuo reasonably maintains Ye Minyi's sense of security, and their relationship will enter a virtuous circle, otherwise, it will fall into a vicious circle.
With that said, you might be wondering, marriage was originally a matter of two people, so why put this key responsibility on Qi Tianzuo?
This has to start from the root cause of Ye Minyi's lack of security. Ye Minyi's brother helped her analyze that she was because of the problems of her original family, and the lack of father's love in the process of growing up led to a lack of security. Ye Minyi, who also studies psychology, does she really not understand her own problems?
This is also a manifestation of what I call a healer who does not heal himself. The reality is that even if Ye Minyi knows what her problem is, her lack of security will not come back on her own, and she must use the security in her intimate relationship to heal herself. This is the fundamental reason why she can't save her marriage.
The crux of the matter was Qi Tianzuo's lack of cooperation.
We all know that what is needed to treat diseases and save people is the cooperation of patients. So to save a marriage, what is needed is the cooperation of both husband and wife.
The crux of Ye Minyi's marriage with Qi Tianzuo lies in the fact that Ye Minyi is an insecure woman. To change this crux of the matter, you need to make her feel safe enough in the intimate relationship. To achieve this, it is necessary for Qi Tianzuo to cooperate, take more care of Ye Minyi's feelings, and stand more on her side for her sake.
Therefore, whether Ye Minyi is a healer or not, she can't do this alone.
But we also saw that Qi Tianzuo himself was unreliable, he simply could not give Ye Minyi enough security, or rather, he did not think enough about Ye Minyi. So even if Ye Minyi finds the crux of the problem between them, it will not be able to save this marriage.
What should they do to save this marriage?
The most important thing is that Qi Tianzuo wants to help Ye Minyi establish his own security system.
This does not mean that he will blindly compromise and give in, and he must meet whatever ye Minyi asks. Rather, he needs to give a beginning of trust and then let that trust lead their relationship into a virtuous circle.
For example, when he realizes that Ye Minyi cares that he is too close to his ex-girlfriend, he should consciously keep a distance from his ex-girlfriend; Ye Minyi has anxiety and doubts because of his behavior, and he should actively resolve these emotions of her and let her return to a safe state.
Of course, for Qi Tianzuo, it is true that he needs to pay more and think more about the other party. But once the relationship enters a state of benign development, Ye Minyi will become more and more secure, and eventually reach a state of healing, bringing him a happier marriage experience.
For Ye Minyi, naturally she cannot only rely on Qi Tianzuo's efforts and compromises to achieve her sense of security, she also needs to realize the root of the problem, properly control her anxiety, and warn herself that she should not project all the needs for father's love on her husband, and learn to give her husband a certain space.
In this way, their relationship will get better and better. Psychology aside, our daily marriage run-in is actually like this. Only when two people cooperate with each other can they run a marriage together.
As for who should take the first step and who plays the leading role in this process of cooperation, it cannot be generalized. However, you can remember the rule that in marriage, it must be right to think about each other in everything. People who know how to think about each other must also be people who can bring the relationship into a benign development.
About the author: Meet and miss, a woman who likes to read and write, focusing on the creation of articles in the emotional field and the analysis and answer of emotional questions, I hope that my words can accompany you warmly forward.