The arrival of the child is definitely a turning point in the relationship between husband and wife! If you want to improve your relationship by having children, you better dispel this idea!
As early as 1957, sociologist E.E. Lemasters did a marital status survey specifically for families in the first few years after giving birth, and he unexpectedly found that most children are born and their marriages become unhappy, especially 83% of couples who have not had a first child for a long time are experiencing moderate or even severe marriage crises.
How hard is it to carry a child before the age of one?
Just the problem of children not sleeping well can torture a group of crazy people, and the counselor Yaoyao has encountered this kind of problem, and private messages have confided in me about the hellish life after having children.
She said that from the time the child was born to the tenth month, she slept with her husband no more than 5 times.
Before giving birth, Yaoyao and her husband's husband and wife feelings are very good, the two are from the campus love all the way, deep feelings for each other, but also have tacit understanding and trust, both have their own favorite jobs, but also bought a house in Shanghai, although every month to repay 20,000 mortgages, fortunately both earn a lot, there is no particularly large repayment pressure, how long do you want to sleep on the weekend, get up to go to buy vegetables and cook together, watch variety shows at home, fiddle with flowers and plants, or go for a walk in the park, the days are ordinary but very comfortable.
After giving birth to a child, Yaoyao's life has undergone earth-shaking changes.
The child's sleep habits are very poor, a night to wake up 5, 6 times, there are 1, 2 times to pull the rice, after wiping the child is also awake, crying, YaoYao can only hold and tease him, little by little to coax him, it is difficult to fall asleep, after less than two hours, the baby woke up again...
In order not to argue with her husband to sleep, YaoYao took the initiative to sleep in separate rooms, and Yaoyao's daily sleep time for several consecutive months added up to only 5 or 6 hours, all of which were fragmented sleep, and she also had to breastfeed and take care of her children, her body had long been overdrawn, and her spirit was on the verge of collapse.
Many times, Yaoyao can't help but cry nervously at home, why can the children of friends sleep well, only their own children always wake up and cry..... When her husband saw Yaoyao like this, he would immediately take leave to stay at home with her, enlighten her, and jokingly told her that at least the child was not sick, and there was more than enough than the upper and lower.
In fact, Yaoyao's husband is also very difficult, because they are not locals, parents can not come over in their hometown, Yaoyao can only quit his job with children, her husband changed departments in order to earn more money, the work is certainly not as easy as before, and it is common to go home at 10 pm. The husband understands Yaoyao's hardships, and no matter how late she comes home, she will help Yaoyao clean up the kitchen and disinfect the baby's toys.
Not only the economic pressure, Yaoyao's emotions can only be channeled by him, but several times he himself can't help but collapse in the face of hysterical Yaoyao and the crying baby.
Once, in the face of a baby who kept crying, Yaoyao suddenly couldn't control his emotions and hit him, and roared angrily, "What are you doing!" The husband quickly snatched the child over, looked at YaoYao without a word, let Yaoyao shed tears, and only said one word, do you want to see a psychologist?
This sentence made Yaoyao run away directly, she cried and slapped her husband, let him roll. From that day on, the relationship between the two was no longer as close as before, Yaoyao became more and more fond of intimidation, and her husband became more and more silent.
Why does the relationship between husband and wife become more and more tense after having children?
1 Postpartum depression
He Jie was often unable to control herself because of postpartum depression, because of her out-of-shape, taking care of her children was too hard, she was ignored by her family, she felt that she was just a feeding machine, etc. She once wanted to live lightly, and finally her husband couldn't stand it and chose divorce.
Half of the new mothers will have postpartum depression, but unfortunately, there are not many husbands who can understand, and their thoughts about their wives' fertility are still stuck, all women have children, and you are pretentious.
This inability to understand each other is bound to exacerbate the conflict, because the uncontrollable negative emotional problems of postpartum depression will cause the contradiction to snowball and eventually face a collapse.
2 Unfair distribution of household chores
During the period after giving birth, women often take on most of the housework in the family, in addition to taking care of the baby who cries all night at night, breastfeeding for a long time, sleeping, cleaning, cooking, and busy housework during the day, correspondingly, the focus of economic pressure will be placed on the husband.
Obviously, both people have given their all their efforts to the family, but some men will look down on their wives who take care of housework at home, and they will often say, "How tired can you be with children at home?" ”
In fact, the mental anxiety and physical exhaustion of children are really incomparable to going to work, before many sisters who consulted me, before marriage are strong women with successful careers, facing the newborn still collapse.
If men can understand and help their wives, the relationship between husband and wife will not be so stiff.
3 Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have a bad relationship
Now many elderly people will come to small families to help with children, but the power struggle between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the conflict of ideas for children, and the conflict of living habits lead to tension between the two sides, and men can only be sandwiched in the middle, which is very unhappy, and men who have suffered from mental pressure for a long time will become silent and taciturn, digesting emotions and thinking about problems alone in their "cave".
And women will feel that their husbands are not on her side to help her speak, so they feel left out and isolated, which will lead to a more fierce war between the two generations.
What can we do if we want to improve our relationship?
1 Prepare mentally in advance
Make psychological preparations in advance and reduce our psychological expectations, which helps us to look at problems more rationally and objectively when we encounter difficulties and contradictions after childbirth, even if the preparation is not sufficient, it can also make these couples more resilient in the face of marital crisis.
On the contrary, couples who think too well are often powerless when they encounter practical difficulties, and can only learn and do while doing, and cannot figure out their clues.
2 Both parties simultaneously enhance their own empathy
Psychologist John Gottman believes that the empathy of both husband and wife determines the quality of marriage, empathy can also speculate on the probability of divorce between husband and wife, the accuracy rate is as high as 90%, empathy is the lubricant of the relationship between husband and wife, which needs to be given by both parties together, not occasionally, nor is it a person's unilateral empathy.
For example, the husband came home at night, saw his wife sitting alone on the sofa and sulked, and asked her what happened.
The wife said angrily: "Your mother came again today, and told her several times, take the baby out to play, don't wear open crotch pants, unhygienic, she will not listen, and said that you were brought up by her when you were a child!" ”
At this time, the husband can say something like this: "I know that you are angry, but also feel worried, afraid that the baby will be infected by bacteria, I will call my mother in a moment to tell me, all things about taking children in the future will listen to you!" This is our baby, you want to bring how to bring, husband support you! ”
In fact, the basic empathy is still very simple, everyone can learn, but it needs to be patient, calm down to listen to the other party's words, you can slowly analyze the intention behind him, say his feelings and the reasons for the emotion, and give support and appropriate solutions, the other party's heart will also feel comforted.
3 Understand each other and compromise with each other
Teacher Zhang Defen said that the biggest conflict in intimate relationships comes from the fact that we expect each other to meet our needs.
Men expect their wives to be like before, the birds cling to people, put themselves first, accompany themselves, value their emotions and the sex life they want.
And women expect their husbands to help them do housework together, with children, to comfort themselves, to listen to themselves, and to chat with themselves. When neither side can be satisfied, they will fall into the negative emotions of disappointment, sadness, complaints, and anger.
Whether the family can continue to move towards happiness after the birth of the child, both husband and wife need to pay their own efforts:
Sort out the family order and understand that the relationship between husband and wife is always higher than the parent-child relationship.
Guide the husband to participate in parenting as much as possible, do what is within his power, and the wife should also give praise and positive feedback in time.
Enhance the sense of participation of both parties, such as learning parenting knowledge together, sharing and discussing each other's feelings, etc.
There is no perfect intimate relationship in the world, and the birth of a child makes the management of marriage more and more difficult, but as long as two people have the same goals and aspirations, grow up together and achieve each other, in order to create greater value and live a better life. Only by not giving up mutual understanding and growth can we be happy for life