Source| Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio
ID:zqfxlgz
The last scene of the TV series "In the World" is that Zhou Bingkun and Zheng Juan are moving forward in the rain, meeting in the next life and still being husband and wife, Zhou Bingkun's face is sweet, a sentence "Think about it all beautiful!" "It's the end of this love road.
Why can they go so beautiful all the way?
There is no love for no reason. Their relationship was not smooth, they had gone through three tests, and they had been replaced by others.
It can be said that if you understand how Zhou Bingkun and Zheng Juan passed in "The World of Man", you will know how love can withstand the toss.
Each person is born with his own arrogance, and falling in love is a companion journey to overcome the arrogance in his heart.
01
First of all, our Bingkun brother, Zhou Bingkun is not a natural lover, arrogant in his bones, sensitive, macho, in the hands of ordinary women, in fact, he is a difficult lord to serve, it is the kind of steel straight man who makes you drink more hot water.
It was relationships that shaped him.
Does love have a code? The answer is yes.
Why can Zheng Juan attract Zhou Bingkun for the first time, but Qiao Chunyan can't?
The reason lies in Zhou Bingkun's core complex.
Family order determines the basic experience, as the third, Zhou Bingkun's biggest complex at home is that he feels that he is not as important as his brother and sister, and every time he feels that he is not valued, he loses his mind and plays a cruel game; on the contrary, as long as you value him, he will insert a knife for your two ribs.
The logic of his behavior is to always prove himself important.
Once a person's core complex is formed, it is like a subconscious button, and the story will develop around this core for a lifetime, and every variable will make his choice around this core.
Understanding this, you can understand what Zheng Juan carefully maintains every time.
For example, whenever Zhou Bingkun's friend has difficulties, as long as he opens his mouth to Zhou Bingkun, he cannot refuse, and no matter how difficult he is, he must help his friends get through the difficulties.
This is because his core complex makes him afraid that anyone will look down on him, hoping that everyone he meets will see him as important in their hearts, and anyone's disappointment will destroy his sense of importance and make him fidgety.
Zheng Juan deeply understood this, and when Zhou Bingkun took Zheng Juan's house to live with a friend, Zheng Juan silently accepted it, fulfilling Zhou Bingkun's face.
If you also have your own special core complex, you have to be kind to those who care for you in this special place, because it is not easy to let go of arrogance in your heart.
Why can't Qiao Chunyan attract Zhou Bingkun?
Because Qiao Chunyan was too full of herself to appreciate the feelings of others, she was flamboyant, ostentatious, had no room to back down, and never saw the shadow hidden by Zhou Bingkun.
Here in Qiao Chunyan, Zhou Bingkun could not find his irreplaceable sense of attention, just an embroidered pillow that was tightly grasped.
Meeting Zheng Juan is Zhou Bingkun's fate, because the core complex has met a piece.
02
Zheng Juan is extremely contemptuous of herself and has a strong sense of unworthiness; but she seems to be indifferent to everything, which is like seeing an unexplored virgin land for a young boy who urgently needs to prove himself in the hearts of others.
Zhou Bingkun encountered the imaginary space that could maximize the proof of himself; Zheng Juan became a dream that Bingkun thought about day and night. From then on, enter the first stage of love and attract each other.
Zhou Bingkun's dedication to Zheng Juan also allowed Zheng Juan to see her own self-contempt.
When it is learned that Bingkun secretly sold the heirloom to continue to provide for her family, this is most likely the first time in Zheng Juan's life that she has a feeling more important than the heirloom, which is fundamentally different from the water flow and Luo Shibin's atonement compensation.
In her bones, Zheng Juan wanted to prove her importance more than Zhou Bingkun to overcome the deep sense of unworthiness in her heart, and Zheng Juan was touched and pitied, and returned Zhou Bingkun with her body.
Love is a belief.
In fact, at this step, their practices are problematic, Zhou Bingkun's approach in psychology is called pandering, is to pay and sacrifice in exchange for their own importance, change ordinary people, easy to fight rice to raise enemies, and finally become a moral burden for others.
Fortunately, they were originally all the way, and Zheng Juan, who was already self-contemptuous, used her body to repay Bingkun in general, which is called offsetting in psychology, and wants to offset the sense of indebtedness with sacrifice to escape her own sense of unworthiness.
Although Zhou Bingkun dared to sell heirlooms, he did not dare to further challenge the world, at this stage, the most they had was a passion, that key transformation had not yet arrived, all by mutual attraction, a series of coincidences to make them progress to the second stage.
The key to attraction lies in imaginative space, so people who are attracted to each other cannot withstand any temptation, and love that stays in the first stage is fickle and unreliable.
Because the love affair is too smooth together, the imagination space is destroyed, and they will quickly get tired of each other.
Why is it that love that is opposed by parents can often be achieved?
Because you can't be together right away, the imagination space is enough, and the time is brewing a lot of good bets to connect the other party with the imaginary romantic life.
Losing each other is like losing a beautiful yearning, which will make each other's attraction become a concern.
This is why the more many parents oppose, the easier it is to "force" their children to "reconcile".
03
When she met Zhou Bingyi, Zheng Juan took the initiative to say that I was not worth it.
This sentence "I am not worthy" is the core complex of Zheng Juan.
One I think is important, one I don't deserve. It just becomes the emotional code for their instant attraction to each other. Under the opposition and blessing of Zhou Bingkun's whole family, the emotional code locked together made them care about each other.
The transition from the concern of the second stage to the irreplaceability of the third stage requires the completion of an important step in which two people let go of their arrogance, voluntarily sacrifice part of themselves, and form a community psychologically.
With the community, you and I are in solidarity, and it is my sadness to let you get hurt, and I will get out of the natural game and internal friction between men and women, and I don't have to spend any more effort to seduce each other.
The key point came after Zhou Bingkun's mother had a stroke.
The overwhelmed Zhou Bingkun invited Zheng Juan to help him take care of his mother, and just at this time Zhou Bingkun was arrested and locked up because of Feng Huacheng's poetry implications.
This first key condition came, and Zhou Bingkun's core complex was facing a huge crisis.
In the six months of being imprisoned, Zhou Bingkun's responsibilities at home would have been messed up by him; Zheng Juan's opportunity also came, she not only perfectly took over the task of taking care of Bingkun's mother and niece, but also massaged every day with great care, sacrificed her beautiful hands, and did a key thing: active sacrifice.
This maintains the part that Zhou Bingkun values most---- his responsibility at home.
Because he can't compare with his brothers and sisters, only by taking care of his family can Zhou Bingkun reflect his importance at home, which is the softest weakness in his heart.
From this moment on, the arrogance behind Zhou Bingkun's sense of responsibility was put down, and Zheng Juan became an inseparable part of him, and he could only complete his proof of the importance of his family if he was bound to Zheng Juan.
This is the beginning of the third stage---- the establishment of the community.
From this moment on, for Comrade Zhou Bingkun, Zheng Juan became irreplaceable.
Before this, it was only because Zheng Juan's indifference triggered Zhou Bingkun's desperate desire to prove his complex, which was just attraction, and after this key transformation, Zhou Bingkun regarded Zheng Juan as the same body, and it was difficult to give up.
Sublimated into a community of love.
The essence of love is the faith that is established in this way.
04
At this moment, Zheng Juan has not yet completed the key transformation of feelings, when Zhou Bingkun's father returned, she silently carried the child home, ready to fade out of Zhou Bingkun's life.
She still had the feeling that I didn't deserve it, until Zhou Bingkun said the words to his father: "The child is mine." ”
For Zheng Juan, this sentence is the most critical step in promoting the transformation.
The reason why she has always been self-deprecating and has a sense of unworthiness is that she is accustomed to being alone and not allowed by society, and Zhou Bingkun's acceptance and commitment at this moment allows Zheng Juan to finally stand in the world with dignity and integrity in her heart.
At this moment, Zheng Juan's heart can only have this sense of completeness by binding with Bingkun, and the two sides are completed from the attraction stage to the community stage, and even if the best man appears, it cannot replace Zhou Bingkun's position in her heart.
Love is irreplaceable belief in each other
Only when a community is formed between husband and wife can they share a common interest and stand the test; they will not turn against each other because of the consideration of interests.
If the calculation of gains and losses is calculated separately, once the distribution is uneven, it will turn its face; the community is that when you are happy, I will be happy, and I will not count the gains and losses, and be willing to pay.
These two transformations are the key factors in dealing with that test years later. Marriages without this transformation cannot overcome that kind of difficulty.
A few years later, rival Sun Xiaoning grew up.
First of all, why is this test fatal?
1. The first stage of attraction-led love is the rule of survival of the fittest.
Just like Zheng Juan's hand, once very beautiful, after experiencing the years and wind and frost is no longer good-looking, if you only look at competitiveness, no one can survive in the years of charm.
2. Zhou Bingkun is facing a midlife crisis at this time, the passion for conquest and sex will be like drugs, why is the hero sad to be beautiful?
As long as the hero finds a legitimate excuse, he will be more eager to conquer and passion than others; Zhou Bingkun is such a hero, if Zheng Juan is laissez-faire, it is difficult to ensure that he will not move out of the track next step under the cover of the temptation of the edge ball and friendship.
Sun Xiaoning fell in love with Bingkun's elder brother and launched a face-to-face declaration of war.
Provocation has 2 purposes: one is to see Zheng Juan's weak personality, the other is to see Zheng Juan's inferiority, weak and easy to withdraw, inferior and easy not to believe in being loved, will be suspicious, will be tempted, will make the relationship overshadowed, fall into infighting, let Zhou Bingkun escape from this relationship.
How many of the same forest birds have become flying swallows in this way.
Sun Xiaoning's advantage, in her little bird yiren, is younger and more beautiful than the original Zheng Juan, and can satisfy the endless conquest desire of a man who is eager to prove himself.
When Zheng Juan first faced Sun Xiaoning's challenge, she raised her hand and hinted at her dedication to the Zhou family, which gave Zheng Juan the courage to face the battle with her head held high.
But at this time, she did not dare to be optimistic about the result, what really reassured her was that Zhou Bingkun could say in front of Sun Xiaoning, "Your sister-in-law is my main heart", and Zheng Juan could calmly persuade Sun Xiaoning to retreat the second time she faced Sun Xiaoning, all by relying on this reassuring pill.
Love can not count gains and losses, but it needs to be constantly confirmed by each other, because love is faith, and hope can be seen in order to maintain faith.
Competitors stand in front of you, where will your confidence come from?
The courage to love is given by the other party.
The wedding vow has a sentence: "From this day forward, whether good or bad, rich or poor, healthy or sick, I will always love you".
If it is replaced by: "I will abandon you at any time to pursue my happiness, and not leave you depends on whether you can satisfy me at all times..."
Then no one will get married to this marriage.
Marriages that do not form a community are like boats that are not tied together, doomed to drift apart in the storm. There is no feeling of mutual concern, and they will dislike each other for a long time.
The key to the formation of a community is the willingness to sacrifice, a marriage, at least sacrificing your future potential mate selection object, which is the default commitment, willing to give up part of the freedom to choose a mate, in exchange for not having to worry about tomorrow you have a sense of security.
This thing can be understood, is the premise of a happy beginning of marriage, this matter is not understood, the slightest temptation will move the heart, marriage has become a shackle that restricts your freedom to choose a mate.
Marriage in the body, whether it is a sense of security, or a shackle, all depends on whether the arrogance in the heart can be put down.
Every seemingly ideal idol is like an unopened door, with corresponding costs and tickets, and whether the choice is willing or not depends on the understanding of oneself.
The arrogance of young boys and girls lies in the imagination, and it is always possible to be with other handsome men and women, so they cannot bear the grievances of being together.
The code of love is to become irreplaceable in the other person's heart. This requires a critical sacrifice in exchange for that crucial transformation at a critical moment.
Falling in love is a companion journey to overcome the arrogance in your heart.
Marriage is the graveyard of love, and faith is the other side of love.
May every pair of lovers walk and cherish, without regret or hatred.
Author: Wu Xiaojin, a national second-level psychological counselor and a student of the sixth sino-German group, uses psychoanalytic theory to help clients and families get out of pain and explore internal resources.
Welcome to the very psychological video number!
WeChat video number【Hun's living room】
Every Wednesday at 8:10 p.m., Ms. Wang Hun broadcasts live online to explore the various paths of the evolution of personal consciousness.