Recently, when everyone's attention was attracted to the Winter Olympics, a TV series quietly caught fire.
This is the "Human World" that has been frequently searched recently.
Adapted from Liang Xiaosheng's novel of the same name, which won the 10th Mao Dun Literature Award, "The World of Man" shows the world by telling the story of the growth and changes of a large family.
After watching this drama, everyone felt the most deeply: mediocre children are gifts from heaven to their parents.
However, from the perspective of Zhou Bingkun in the play, the feelings brought to him by the family may not be like this.
1
In the play, the third brother Zhou Bingkun, played by Lei Jiayin, is quite stupid.
The neighborhood committee arranged to go to the mountains and go to the countryside, and others all kinds of prevarications wanted to stay in the city, because the countryside was too bitter, and his first reaction was to be happy, because he could finally see the scenery of the countryside.
He didn't like to read much since he was a child. He entered the factory as a worker before graduating from junior high school, and later resumed the college entrance examination, although he studied hard, he still did not get into college.
And my brothers and sisters were admitted to Peking University.
Later, my brother entered the central government, my sister became a professor, and he was just a small worker in the soy sauce factory, barely making ends meet with a meager monthly salary.
Whether it is a study since childhood or a job after growing up, Zhou Bingkun has always been scolded by his parents for not being angry and not showing up, and at the same time being illuminated by the aura of "excellent" by his brother and sister, Zhou Bingkun's heart actually has unspeakable grievances.
2
Most people's families may not be like Zhou Bingkun, who has such excellent brothers and sisters around all the time, but we all inevitably know a perfect "other person's child".
This "other people's child", does not play games, does not eat snacks, and is well-behaved and obedient;
Consciously study, write homework seriously, and be at the top of every exam;
At the same time, he is also versatile, and he is also the class representative and class cadre in the class...
His existence has become a benchmark for parents to motivate their children, and even because of him, they have ignored the advantages of their children.
There is such a program in the program "Teenagers Say", which touched me very much.
A bully boy climbed onto the roof and shouted his heart:
"Every time I get a perfect score in math, my mom always says, 'It's normal, others are much better than you."
It is hard to imagine that a child with a domineering aura on his head is full of grievances and incomprehension in his heart.
In the face of her son's crying, the mother in the audience responded:
"I'm just afraid of your pride and want you to work harder."
In the mother's view, comparing her own child with others is to hope that he can learn from the strengths of others and make up for his own shortcomings.
Seeing that his grievances were completely incomprehensible, the boy cried and said:
"But you can't just look at my weaknesses and not look at my strengths!"
In life, many parents are always accustomed to praising "other people's children" and want to motivate their children.
But as everyone knows, this comparison is only a negative incentive for children, so that they are burdened with psychological pressure that is inferior to others for a long time.
Over time, it will only make them less confident, afraid of losing, and even jealous.
3
The Blue Book of Teenagers once did a survey: children least like the words of their parents.
Almost half of the 275,000 children in the survey chose the same phrase, "You look at someone else's child."
"Comparison" has been subtly integrated into homeschooling.
It has two meanings for parents: motivating children and "comparing others."
Professor Li Meijin once called this behavior of parents a "pathological phenomenon", which conveys a message to the child's heart that "I am not satisfied with you" and "you still have many deficiencies".
There was a news story about a 13-year-old boy running away from home because his father always compared him to other classmates.
"He thinks it's not okay, and he often compares me to other children, and he doesn't like me."
Unable to stand his father's way of education, he chose to run away from home.
Psychologist Dr. Susan Foward writes in Poisoned Parents:
"No child wants to admit that they are inferior to others, and they want to be affirmed by an adult.
Their knowledge of themselves also often comes from the evaluation of adults.
People who are often hit by their parents are often prone to inferiority and fall into emotions of self-doubt and self-denial.
In severe cases, they also suffer from mental illness, which leads to many extreme behaviors. ”
Therefore, children who have been compared for a long time, they can not get the affirmation and appreciation of their parents, and they will slowly think in their hearts, "I can't do it, I don't deserve it, I don't deserve it..."
Driven by this psychology for a long time, how can children learn the good side of others.
4
No matter how good "someone else's child" is, it is someone else's after all.
As parents, we must first correct our mindset: every child has something they are good at and what they don't need, and that can't be changed.
If you blindly compare the "strengths" of others with the "shortcomings" of children, you will never see the good of your children.
Therefore, you may wish to learn more about children and find their own shining points.
Even if we really want our children to learn the excellent side of others, then we can use "you can also" instead of "other people's children"; use "encouragement" instead of "comparison".
Rather than constantly emphasizing children's shortcomings, I always believe that guarding children's self-esteem and self-confidence is the self-driving force that makes them positive.