On the weekend, I packed up the bookcase at home and turned to the "Fu Lei Family Book" in the depths of the bookcase, and many people had heard the name of the book. Hailed as the "Bible of Education," this classic has touched generations with the love of fathers.
From love, learning, art, being human, etiquette, to how to say words, everything is too big and careful.
But the real Fu Lei, however, said that he "did not awaken his fatherhood before the age of 45" and wrote to Fu Cong to ask for forgiveness: "Child, I abused you, I will never be sorry for you, and I will never be able to atone for this sin!" ”
Through the inquiry and reading of relevant materials, a real but cruel family tragedy gradually emerged:
The life story of Chuan Lei
Fu Lei's mother abused Fu Lei, inflicting her misfortune with the family on her son;
As an adult, Fu Lei abused Fu Cong again, unconsciously copying the pain of his childhood to his children, causing another generation of misfortune.
It can be said that the two generations of the Fu family, Fu Lei and Fu Cong, were all hurt from the original family.
Fu Lei had three children, the eldest son died prematurely, the second son Fu Cong, and the youngest son Fu Min.
But later, through Fu Lei's reflection and change of mediation and adjustment with his wife Zhu Meifu, Fu Cong finally reconciled with his father when he grew up, and the two passed on the book in a foreign country, leaving a touching family letter exchange. But this does not mean that Fu Cong has been completely cured, and the original family has directly affected his intimate relationship as an adult.
Everyone who knew Fu Lei's family was impressed by the way he disciplined his children. Confidant Yang Dai said: Fu Lei is always "smiling" in front of outsiders, but that smile is only allowed to be shown to friends, not to children, and he is always strict with children.
Song Yilang, the son of neighbor Song Qi, recalled that his servants would hear Fu Lei shouting, throwing things or beating his two children. The servants privately used The Shanghainese dialect that Fu Lei was a "neurotic.".
The real situation is more frightening than the population -
When he was 5 years old, Fu Cong was writing in the living room, Fu Lei was eating peanuts, and somehow he caught fire, so he grabbed the mosquito coil with his hand and hit the bridge of Fu Cong's nose, and the blood flowed like a flood;
When he was a teenager, Fu Cong practiced the piano downstairs, and Fu Lei supervised upstairs. As soon as he lost the tune, Fu Lei would rush down and scold his son, and even grab Fu Cong's head and crash into the wall;
Fu Cong made a mistake, and Fu Lei would tie him up at his door to show the public, just to educate his son to remember sex for a long time.
Fu Lei with his son
Why did Fu Lei treat his children like this? Does he hate children?
Not.
He is grumpy and often acts on children, which is actually inseparable from his tragic and repressive childhood.
Speaking of his childhood, Fu Lei used 8 words: "I only see sadness, but I don't hear laughter." When Fu Lei was 4 years old, his father was framed, imprisoned for three months, and soon after being rescued, he died of depression at the age of 24. The two younger brothers and one younger sister in the family died unexpectedly because their mother ran around to save her husband and was left unattended.
A change, a widow, and the loss of most of his property, the blow to a young woman can be imagined.
As a result of this great change, Fu Lei's mother was also sad and angry for many years, washed her face with tears, and pinned all her hopes of revenge on Fu Lei, and very strictly supervised him to become a talent.
Fu Lei studied his homework and deserted, and his mother stuffed a candle head in the square hole of the copper coin, lit it, and attached it to Fu Lei's navel eye, burning him to the point of screaming;
Fu Lei played outside for a while, and his mother was angry and tied him up with a wrapped skin and wanted to throw him into the river;
Even in order to force her son to advance, her mother not only tied Fu Lei to the leg of the table and made him confess his mistake to his father's spiritual position, but also tried to hang himself at home and threaten him with death...
Fu Lei's mother
In this huge mental pressure and strict discipline, although Fu Lei laid a good foundation for learning, he also developed a grumpy and obedient personality.
At the same time, due to the lack of childhood father roles, Fu Lei did not know how to be a good father when he became an adult, so that his son grew up to study in Poland, and when he recalled the past, he lamented sadly: "Poor child, why is your childhood so similar to mine?" ”
Fu Lei's childhood was unfortunate, his father was absent, and his mother was harsh and extreme, thus creating his character defects.
After becoming a family, because of the position of the head of the family and the authority of the father, he copied the relationship pattern of childhood, projected his own personality defects onto his son, and deeply hurt the child.
In the parent-child relationship with the mother, he was the victim, but in the parent-child relationship with the son, he became the perpetrator again.
Psychologist Jung said: "A person's life's effort is to integrate his character that has been formed since childhood. ”
In fact, not only personality, but also the emotional foundation is formed in childhood. Many children who are injured in their original families will unconsciously bring the pattern of getting along between their parents into their intimate relationships when they reach adulthood.
For example, if parents are accustomed to falling bowls and yelling when arguing, then adult children will subconsciously appear the same violent destructive behavior when they are frustrated in the relationship.
Also a well-known person, Mr. Feng Zikai has a completely different attitude towards life than Fu Lei. You can see from his childish painting style an elderly figure with an interesting soul and a warm personality.
Feng Zikai's life story
If Fu Lei is a thorn growing in the desert – sharp, sharp, cold , then Feng Zikai is a wall of green plants in summer — sunny, bright, and idyllic.
Although Mr. Feng Zikai was born in a chaotic world and lived a turbulent and displaced life, he always maintained the innocence and childlike fun in his heart, and created more than 4,500 warm works, many of which were painted with his children as models, highlighting the artist's wind and bones and compassion.
The reason why he has such a rare mind and good temperament is mostly due to the influence of his mother. He has painted a lot of works about his mother, and the graceful, humorous and humorous style seems to bring us back to the 30s and 40s, which is extremely kind and touching.
At that time, the Chinese Cultural Center once asked Feng Zikai to write a "My Mother". He begins the article by writing: "Where did the article 'My Mother' come from? Looking at the portrait of the mother, I remembered the sitting position of the mother. My mother did not take a picture of the seated image before she died, but this gesture was clearly ingested on the negative in my mind, but it was not posted. Now replace the developer and fixer with pen and ink and show up my mother's seated image. ”
Feng Zikai's cartoons, like his words, contain a full taste of human affection, and his comics often reveal the compassion of the world's love, simple and gentle. At first glance, it does not look amazing, but the more you look at it, the more timeless and intriguing it becomes.
Feng Zikai said: "My mother disciplines me the most, she is a loving mother and a strict father." Mother is very temperamental, good-natured, kindest, gentlest, and never a word that hurts people's feelings; but she is sometimes very strong, not a little insulted by personality. I spent my teenage years under the lessons of my mother, and I was greatly and deeply influenced by her. ”
After Mr. Feng Zikai became a father, he also passed on this parenting style to his children.
He likes to hold children, feed children, sing small songs to make children happy, draw pictures to make children laugh, sometimes play games with children, build blocks with children, read books together, and children always enjoy happy time with their fathers. Feng Zikai has many cartoons and essays written about children.
Children are curious and love to ask questions to their fathers, who sometimes answer and sometimes provoke them to observe and think until they are satisfied. Once, the child asked, "Why does the wall clock ring when it moves?" Feng Zikai told them, but the children didn't understand. He simply opened the back cover of the wall clock, pointed to the parts inside and told the children, and the children finally realized.
Feng Zikai once wrote in an article that once, his son Zhan Zhan shouted to eat bananas, he carried his son to the station to buy bananas, and when he arrived home, his son was asleep on his father's shoulder, and the banana in his hand had long been gone.
First, let's take a look at Feng Zikai's family training: integrity, serious work, and generosity.
Integrity is a strong emphasis in Feng's tutoring. "First instrumental knowledge, then literature and art", Feng Zikai has always taught his children to learn to be a person first, before they can talk about learning and art. We must be upright and frank, and we must never cheat or take advantage of others.
Do things seriously - Feng Zikai often teaches his children and descendants two sentences. The first sentence is: "It is extremely fortuitous that a person can come into this world." "So cherish life, that is, cherish time." The second sentence is: "Man came into this world not just to eat. "So try to do more meaningful things. How to cherish time and do more meaningful things? Then there is only the word "serious".
Be generous to others - Feng Zikai treats people generously and gently, and those who are close to him and have been in contact with him have deep feelings. He was also sometimes harsh on his children and students, but this harshness was out of deep love and responsibility, and was generous to friends and colleagues, and equally generous to workers and nannies, treating them like family.
Under the influence of such a family style, Feng Zikai's 7 children have all become useful materials——
Eldest son, Feng Huazhan, is a professor at Fudan University in Shanghai;
The second son, Feng Yuancao, was an editor at the Beijing People's Music Publishing House;
Youngest son, Feng Xinmei, proficient in several Chinese words, served as an overseas patent representative;
Eldest daughter, Feng Chenbao, was the editor of Shanghai Translation Publishing House;
Sun Zi Fengyu, after completing his studies in Australia, went to Hong Kong to work hard, serving as an executive of a Hong Kong securities company;
After graduating from university, his grandson worked as a teacher at Shanghai University of Engineering Science.
People say that children are their parents' teachers, and they come into this world to urge parents to constantly improve their own life map. Children's education is seen as the parents' attitude towards the world and their sense of life.
Feng Zikai wrote in the book "Interesting Life": "Originally, when we first entered the world, we did not realize that the world was so narrow and suffocating. Although we have changed from children to adults, our soul has always been consistent, that is, it is still the soul of childhood, but after a long period of repression, all the buds of exuberant and fiery feelings have been repeatedly tormented and dare not happen again. The roots of this feeling are still deeply embedded in our hearts after becoming adults. This is the root of "the bitterness of life". ”
We have accumulated a lot of dark wounds in growth, many growth tasks have not been completed, get along with children, these problems surface again, choose to grow up with children, face life's problems again, seek answers, and improve themselves.
In 1947, when Mr. Feng was 50 years old, he made a "covenant law" with his children in Hangzhou.
Over fifty years old, with pale teeth, no permanent birth in the family, no permanent life, from now on, the covenant with the children is as follows:
(i) Parents provide for their children until they graduate from university. The giver acts as a theory of acceptance. After graduating from university, the children live independently and have no obligation to provide for their parents, let alone the obligation to provide for their children.
(2) If after graduating from university, if you can study at official expenses or at your own expenses that are close to official expenses, your parents will still provide them with insufficient expenses until you return to Japan.
(3) The marriage of children shall be carried out at their own expense, and the parents shall have no obligation to intercede.
(4) After the independence of the child, it is of a friendship nature and is by no means an obligation to provide for the parents with more than enough to live, or for the parents to provide for the child.
(5) After the independence of the child, the principle of separation from the parents shall be taken as the principle. Cohabitation with the consent of both parties is of a neighborly nature and is by no means an obligation.
(6) After the death of both parents, if there is an inheritance, the children shall receive it equally except for those designated by the parents' will.
It is not difficult to see from this covenant law that Feng Zikai gave his children equal love and encouraged their independence, many of which went beyond the concept of "raising children and preventing old age" in old China. Not only do not ask for returns from the children, but also arrange a comfortable life for the children, let the children go the way they should go, live the life they should live, completely true and pure.
Mr. Feng Zikai believes that adults need to learn a little childishness from children.
Childlike heart, in adults is a kind of "fun". Cultivating a child's heart is to cultivate fun. To revise their view of things, they should depart from the past everywhere, not keep traditions, not follow the habits, and cultivate their new, pure "human" hearts. In other words, parents will participate in their children's education throughout their lives.
From the lives of Chuan Lei and Feng Zikai, it is not difficult for us to see how important a mother's temperament and ability to love are to a family.
A man's fate may depend on three women, but the existence of one woman can affect the happiness of three generations. She can determine the happiness of her parents in their later years, can influence the childhood happiness of their children, and even affects the next generation.
The mother's love for the child determines the degree to which the child is accepted. Some mothers love very little, so little that they can only accept a well-behaved child, and when the child does not behave in any way, he will be rejected.
But the mother's love that children need can accommodate all things, can make children warm and relaxed when they are frustrated and make mistakes, let them be purified, and get new strength to continue to move forward.
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