Rock Yang Lei once broke a classic spit during a talk show performance:
"The greatest hobby of human beings is to watch others engage in objects."
At that time, he probably did not think that he would now become a member of the "watched".
Last year, the unexpected high quality of the first divorce variety show "Goodbye Lover" in China made many viewers full of expectations for its sister article "Spring Day Delay and Departure".
Seven divorced single men and women will join forces for a four-weekend "Spring Trip". They came with their own scars, some old and scabbed, some bloodied and fresh in their memories.
The reasons for divorce are varied: third parties, gambling, illness, emotional indifference... Among them, the most "outrageous" is none other than rock.
Why Divorce?
Because he didn't like his ex-wife to give him a birthday.
Although he told her clearly in advance that he only wanted the two to celebrate together, his ex-wife would quietly prepare a birthday party to surprise him.
Doesn't that sound nonsensical? Divorce for this kind of "birthday" trivial matter is also too hasty.
Unexpectedly, many viewers resonated deeply with rock, and the bullet screen brushed the screen: "Me too!"
This is not so much a difference in the couple's perception of ritual that is difficult to reconcile. Rather, it is an offense to one person's "sense of boundaries" to another.
What is a sense of boundaries?
To a lesser extent, it is a mechanism of self-protection;
To put it more broadly, it is the ability to defend one's own bottom line.
Everyone has the right to make myself comfortable and my personal space not violated, even if you are my lover, you should not force me to do what I dislike.
People who hate to celebrate birthdays with great fanfare are not in the minority, this is not a kind of "temperament", some people are just happy and quiet by nature, and do not like to be lively.
And Rock's ex-wife, as the closest person he's ever been to, faced with her husband's preferences, her decision wasn't to respect, but — I'm going to change your mind.
In traditional marriage relationships, "when you get married, you don't distinguish between each other" seems to be a conventional principle. To draw an invisible boundary between the two is equivalent to a sign of alienation and indifference.
Therefore, in many unbalanced marital relationships, the offender's "crossing the line" is often unconscious.
Can you say that Rock's ex-wife didn't throw a party for him out of love? Absolutely.
It's just that in this elaborate hilarity, the happiest person is not rock, but herself.
When the control is wrapped in tenderness and then coated with a layer of "good for you", the person who wants to refuse and break free seems to be a bit "ignorant of good and evil".
I've paid so much for you, how can you not be happy?
Even if you are not happy, why can't you put up with it for me?
At such a time, the person who is "offended" is difficult to reply with a righteous word: I am not happy!
Having said that, there is no conscience, that is, indifference.
This "offense" in intimate relationships is often secretive and suffocating. Perhaps, birthdays are just the last straw, and countless similar events have accumulated in front of you: "What I think is good, you must also feel good." 」
As everyone knows, this kind of "no distinction between you and me" and the love that makes the other party uncomfortable is a kind of disguised control and oppression.
"Sobriety on Earth" Zhang Wei's understanding of rock divorce
And a person who does not respect the sense of boundaries of others is often also a person who does not have a sense of self-boundaries. Such people, even if they have already reached adulthood, are also spiritual "giant babies".
They often confuse personal space with public space, forcibly binding their own will to the will of others.
Why are more and more young people convinced that when they enter marriage, they will lose themselves?
Because when the information is returned in seconds, reported anytime and anywhere, the mobile phone is arbitrarily viewed, and the salary must be handed in, these have become the standards for measuring the quality of marriage, and we have to be afraid:
Is it true that the so-called true love must constantly give up its own space and freedom?
Is a good marriage one person forcing another person to be highly consistent with himself, or even willing to merge into one?
The "intimacy" that people advocate is actually a cross-border and unhealthy mode of getting along.
Whether a relationship can be long-term is not about matching, but about maturity.
And having a clear and healthy sense of boundaries is a sign of mature love.
If the intimate lover does not know how to respect each other's independent personality and respect each other's right to be alone, then the relationship will inevitably lead to imbalance and even collapse.
But at the end of the day, why do some people in an intimate relationship lack a sense of boundaries?
Because of the lack of love.
People who have not received positive attention and encouragement in the process of growing up often have such a psychological hint: I do not deserve it. I'm not good enough.
Even in the eyes of outsiders, they are already proper high-quality human beings.
Liu Liqi, the female guest in "Spring Day Late departure", is like this, doctoral study, university teaching, and good looks.
But even if she is as good as her, she is a person who does not dare to establish a sense of boundaries. Fear of showing the bottom line, you will lose the existing love. Even this love is full of betrayal from beginning to end.
Liu Liqi's husband is her first love, from love to divorce for a full decade. The man who accompanied him from campus to marriage cheated during his wife's confinement.
What is even more desperate is that by comparing chat records and movie ticket stubs, Liu Liqi was devastated to find that there have always been different third parties between them, and they have begun to happen as early as their honeymoon.
Movies that should have belonged to two people, there is always a third person who has seen it. Every movie her ex-husband took her to see, she was always "the second one."
It is not that she has no idea of divorce, but when the people around her do not support her decision, Liu Liqi chose to be patient. This forbearance is four years.
It wasn't until the other party played big and played in front of herself that she made a decision. Surprisingly, a year after the divorce, she still keeps asking herself: Am I doing something wrong?
Liu Liqi still remembers a middle school reunion, a boy inadvertently said that sentence:
I found that the girl in our class that every boy had a crush on, and the person who accompanied her was you.
To put it bluntly, she is always the foil of other people's glorious youth, the most unobtrusive girl. Although she later came out of the world and read a doctorate, she still could not get rid of the feeling of inferiority in her heart.
She does not love herself, and everything is not based on self-feeling, but more concerned about the opinions of others.
Because of her ex-husband's "you have thick legs", she didn't start wearing short skirts until after her divorce.
People with weak self-awareness and no sense of clear boundaries are always accustomed to patience and concessions, even if it is to maintain the illusion of happiness of being loved.
So much so that after the birth of the child, a relative blurted out in front of Liu Liqi: "How does this child look like a mother!" She didn't dare to refute it head-on: Shouldn't she be like a mother?
So much so that her husband has accumulated countless cheating records, and she still can't forget it: he has a good temper and takes care of his family, he just can't control himself.
She does not dare to face her own emotional needs and bottom line, and allows others to cross the line, the essence of this behavior is to consume herself and please others.
The more a person does not respect himself, does not love himself, and does not know how to defend his own boundaries and bottom line, the more unscrupulously others will attack and hurt you.
Because the other party knows: you don't dare to fight back.
George Dade proposed in the book "Self Boundary": The so-called boundary is to let your business belong to you, and my business to me.
In contrast, the way another female guest, Mo Fei, handled it, she firmly defended her sense of boundaries.
After falling in love with her first love for 7 years, married for 2 years, and after discovering that her husband began to love gambling, she silently took the contraceptive pill , which she avoided in advance, and let the child be born in a "potentially threatening" family.
When her husband was in debt, he asked her, "Why is it just my mother who is helping me pay it back, and you don't help me?" Mo Fei resolutely chose divorce.
The sense of boundaries exists precisely to get rid of excessive sacrifice and avoid self-depletion.
Infidelity is your problem, not something I should reflect on.
Gambling is your problem, and I'm not obligated to pay off your debts.
Each of us has the right to defend our comfort zone – what I need is the best.
Of course, the premise is that my needs are not based on forcing you.
Many also wonder: Does building a sense of boundaries in intimate relationships mean not loving enough, or alienating indifference?
Contrary.
The clearer the sense of boundaries, the higher the happiness index.
In the couple reality show "Happiness Trio", Xie Nan once said:
Two people are basically two independent individuals, to leave space for each other, intimacy and self-boundaries do not conflict.
Husband Wu Jing can also see through:
If she loses herself and surrounds me every day, and she herself is unhappy, what good fruit do I have to eat?
At the end of the day, mature love is not one, nor is it intimate. And first two separate individuals, and then two people in love with each other.
We have our own hobbies, tastes, and solitude, but it does not prevent us from falling in love;
Similarly, no matter how much I love you, how much you hurt me, and how long we have been together, it should not be a reason for you to help me exercise a certain right.
"Intimacy" can reduce unnecessary tearing and internal friction between each other.
The sense of boundaries seems indifferent, but in fact, it will be particularly comfortable and relaxed over time. Because we have all laid out our own bottom lines and principles early, we are mentally prepared not to consume ourselves excessively emotionally, nor to be afraid of the collapse of a bad relationship.
How do you establish clear, healthy personal boundaries in intimate relationships? Let's start with these points:
1. Recognize the importance and value of yourself and enhance the intensity of subjective consciousness. You deserve it because you exist.
2, clear their physical, emotional and economic bottom line, once the other party crossed this line, sincerely and bravely send a signal.
3, do not be too easy-going, appropriately show "aggression", is not rude.
4, the sense of boundaries must be clear, not ambiguous. You should be responsible for yourself, and don't expect others. The other party is responsible, and it will never be mixed.
You know, only a relationship that can coexist for a long time on the basis of healthy "boundaries" is an intimate love that is worth paying for and defending.
For everything about respect and love is never a trivial matter.
The picture in this article comes from the network
Author: Weird
Proofreading: Autumn and Autumn
Producer: Sleep away
Producer: Wheat cooked in the studio