Speaking to your child with peace of mind is a rule that most parents agree with. However, many parents in the face of children do not listen to their own words, especially repeatedly ask the child, but the child always resists, procrastination, always can not hold back the anger began to lose patience, began to yell, began to taunt and accuse.
Does this approach really make the child "obedient"?
In the face of this "education" method of parents, children often have two reactions. One is soft or hard confrontation, either way, in short, it is not cooperative; the other is to please and withdraw.
But no matter which way, for the child, it is not conducive to physical and mental health, it is the result of the accumulation of negative emotions, and it has a great harm to the child's sense of security, no matter how the child reacts, it is a defensive mentality.
When children get used to this defensive mentality, they will substitute this mentality into other environments, into the interaction with other people, and then the first reaction to anyone and anything is often how to fight, rather than cooperate.
Moreover, under this defensive mentality, the child's way of thinking will become more emotional and lack rational thinking. When facing problems, they tend to think more about how others will react and how to escape other people's accusations or complaints, rather than how to solve the problem.
Although sometimes this approach allows children to make some of the changes that parents want to see, which seems to be effective, the problem is not substantively solved.
Children will make changes, not that they think they should change, but only under the pressure of their parents. And once this pressure is gone, the child will still return to the old state.
So, how can we really solve the problem and avoid the child's defensive mentality?
First, as parents, we have to learn to control our emotions. Because, perhaps parents do not find out, in fact, parents appear these emotions, choose this "education" method, but also in a defensive mentality, subconsciously, put the child on their own opposite, the two sides are in a "hostile" relationship.
But are parents and children really in a "hostile" relationship? No, the relationship between parents and children should be an interdependent relationship, in fact, any parent and child are "dependent on each other", who leaves no one. But why do interdependent parties have to stand on opposite sides?
Secondly, when parents face their children's "disobedience", the first thought is often how to make them "obedient", but rarely think about why the child will "disobey".
Know that there is a reason for anything. Children will "disobey" is by no means without reason, the easiest thing to think of is often the conflict between their demands and the parents' requirements, and the vast majority of parents can think of this layer.
However, few parents continue to go deeper to explore the causes of their children's appeals.
For example, if the child does not want to go to school, is it because the child's homework is not written, afraid of being scolded by the teacher, or because the child has difficulty learning and then has a feeling of withdrawal, or the child has a conflict with the teacher or classmate, or even encountered school bullying?
For example, if the child does not want to eat, is it because the child feels full, or because the meal made today is not in line with the child's taste, or the child is unwell and does not want to eat, or even the child has a heart of beauty and does not want to become fat?
Even, is it because the child has a sense of independence and wants to fight for independence? Is it that the parents care too much, so that the child has an aversion to the parents' concern? Or is it the excessive preaching of parents that makes children hate?
Either way, it's worth parents' attention. This is not to make parents become psychological experts, to be able to analyze and judge the child's psychological activities, but I hope that parents can consider more possibilities from different angles when facing their children, rather than blindly emphasizing obedience and blindly criticizing preaching and demeaning.
After analyzing the reasons, it is not to let parents blindly accommodate their children. Children's behavior should be limited by certain rules and boundaries, and behaviors that exceed these rules and boundaries must be stopped.
But the premise is that these rules and boundaries should be clear and should be formulated with the child and approved by the child.
When the child appears and does not exceed these rules and boundaries, but the parents do not like the behavior, the parent should let go of their likes and dislikes, follow the rules with the child, and do not interfere too much in the child's hobbies and choices.
In fact, many times, parents should turn a blind eye, on the one hand, let the child have enough space, on the other hand, the parents will be less angry. But when children touch these rules, parents should resolutely stop them, but the attitude should be peaceful.
In this way, on the one hand, it can cultivate children's sense of rules, let children know what can be done and what cannot be done, on the other hand, this is also a classic demonstration for children to learn to refuse.
If this can be done, the relationship between parents and children is no longer "hostile", and the children will not have a defensive mentality, but will really return to the right track, that is, return to the mode of interdependence with their parents. Only in this way can the parent-child relationship be stable and reasonable, which is more conducive to the physical and mental health and growth of the child.