What kind of mentality do you have in the face of your child's sudden emotions and strange behaviors?
Irritable, or will you wonder why your child is doing this?
We all hope that we can raise confident children, but some of the "good for the children" behavior in daily life has led to the inferiority of children.
In his book Beyond Inferiority, Adler told this little story:
All three children were going to the zoo for the first time, and when they stood in front of the lion, their reactions were very different.
The first child hid behind his mother and said he wanted to go home;
The second child turned pale, his legs trembled and said, "I am not afraid at all";
The third child stared at the lion viciously and asked his mother, "Can I spit on him?" ”
The three children were very scared, but they were all expressing their feelings in their own way.
When faced with fear, some people dodge, some people wear powerful protective masks, and some people hide their fear and pretend not to exist.
The same is true for children with inferiority, their manifestations are different, but the essence is the same, and they are all children's disapproval of themselves.
They may not see their own excellence, or it is very difficult to reject others, or they always want to gain the approval of others, or they always belittle others to highlight themselves...
No matter what, they are always using actions to hide their inferiority and vulnerability.
American psychotherapeutic master Scott Pike said: "Self-confidence must be cultivated from an early age, and then remedied after adulthood, often half the effort." ”
If you want to cultivate confident children, the family education atmosphere plays a very big role. The following three kinds of families, do not yell or scream, but it is easy to raise children with inferiority.
1 Obedient and sensible
We always want our children to be a little more sensible, a little more sensible, and think that this is a good quality.
In fact, sensible is a child, the deepest despair.
After their needs are issued, they are ignored or suppressed back, so they can only hide their own needs, meet the expectations of others, and become a sensible child.
L's parents are emotionally discordant and often quarrel. She didn't want her parents to divorce, and her mother told her that as long as she was sensible and obedient, her parents wouldn't divorce.
L is very careful to take care of his parents' feelings, putting his parents first in everything and completely ignoring his own feelings.
At the same time, in order not to worry parents, L is at the top of every exam.
Due to long-term emotional repression, L grew up to become inferior, sensitive, and depressed.
It is conceivable that whenever a child grows up, whenever he longs for someone to help and love himself, he must in turn give love and help to others. My heart is already in a mess, but I still have to pretend that I have nothing to do to "understand things".
Such a blow is double: one is a suppressed need in the heart, and the other is a forced appearance.
Behind the understanding is a deep inferiority complex. I feel that I can lose at any time and dare not fight, so I have been living cautiously.
2 Suppress denial
Parents always like to belittle and deny their children, and want to stimulate their children's motivation.
Although the present may make the child rise up, it does not really make the child better, but creates a "nother me" to win the love of the parents.
Tuan tuan is a child with excellent grades, industrious and polite, and a child who has escaped from other people's families.
But his parents are not satisfied, often saying to their children" What is the use of your full score now, you have the ability to take the college entrance examination with a hundred points", "What is wrong with sports to take the first place, you don't take the second place in the exam!" ”......
The blow of his parents made Tuantuan realize that his parents only liked himself with excellent grades, and his own self with bad grades was not loved, so he studied hard and made himself the best every time.
But every time he got the approval of others, it was very uncomfortable, and he felt that this recognition was not for him, but for himself who did a good job.
Even if he is already very good, he still has low self-esteem, will demean himself, and feel that he is not good.
I always hear my parents say things like: Strictly require you to be good for you, and would rather let you hate me now than let you become a person with a good future.
The constant suppression of parents makes children catch up, and he is excellent in the eyes of others, but he always cries in the middle of the night, and no one can understand how bitter a person who cannot recognize himself is.
3 Constant comparisons
I don't know if you have ever had such an experience, no matter how well you do, there is always another person's child who is better than you.
I have a friend, she is typical of other people's children, beautiful, good health, capable, but she always said that she is very anxious, feel that she is not good at anything.
Others have advised her, saying that you earn tens of thousands of dollars a month when you are young, and you have your own garage, and she replied that other people of the same age have earned millions of dollars a month; saying that she is in good shape, she answers that people of the same height are only less than a hundred pounds...
Everyone thinks she is showing off, but in fact, she is really inferior. Because she has been compared to others by her parents since she was a child, she has been compared with those "other people's children" since she was a child, and tried to surpass them, but no matter how hard she tried, new competitors would always appear.
Now that she has grown up, she has a lot of remarkable achievements, but the sense of accomplishment is extremely low, because there is a voice in her heart: what is this, someone has already done it.
Comparison is a mysterious force because we know ourselves best and do not understand others. We can only think of each other as very strong, and we will always be inferior to others.
Parents like to compare from an early age, and children are looking for competitors all their lives. In this competition, there are only endless games, and in the end the child will only lose a mess.
In fact, the only competitor is the "weak" self, and only by defeating it can you live freely.
4 Love your children well
The essence of inferiority is the lack of love.
A person has not loved, has not been well seen, they have not tasted the taste of being loved, so it is difficult to love themselves.
In fact, parents do not deliberately want to deny the suppression of children, or compare with others. It's just that they project their inner fears onto the child, they expect the child to be perfect, and sometimes they can't say where the child is bad, but they are not satisfied.
It's not that parents don't want to love their children well, it's just that they lack the ability to love.
If we want our children to become confident, we don't need to use the "radical" method on our children all the time, but we need to make children believe in themselves and recognize their abilities.
When parents recognize their children and see the needs in their children's hearts, they can recognize and see themselves.
Confident children are the result of natural expression in a loving environment.