High-quality companionship is not only our traditional parents playing with their children wholeheartedly, but there is also a more important but often overlooked high-quality companionship: children play by themselves, parents do their own work on the side.
The organic combination of the two kinds of companionship is the most reasonable. This kind of companionship is not only for children, but also for parents.
Too tired to spend time with your child? The method is not right
I don't know when it started, raising children has become the heaviest burden for most families, and an adult is often unable to bring a child well.
The most common scenario is that a stay-at-home mother needs to be equipped with an elderly person or a nanny, and two or more people can work together to complete the difficult task of raising a baby.
What's even more frightening is that if a few people cooperate to raise a baby, as long as the people involved will be exhausted.
So, when I'm a stay-at-home mom, I'll often have my mom ask me, "Where did you get your nanny?" ”
When they learned that there was no nanny in my house, no elderly help, and no hourly work, they were shocked, looked at me with a sympathetic face, and said, "Hey, aren't you tired?" You're too strong, how can you stand it? ”
In fact, I am not very tired, but every day refreshed, the training, the book out of the book.
Of course, if I also follow the method of many people raising children: every day all the time to stay by the child's side to play with the child, it is not easy for the child to fall asleep, the mother quickly cooks, laundry, cleans up the house, the work is not finished, the baby is awake again, continue to accompany the baby... Then I will indeed be exhausted, because such a mother does not have her own leisure time, and even the time to sleep is difficult to guarantee.
The question is, is this kind of accompanying children all the time really what children need? Can such a tired and hard-working mother who has no personal time feel good? How does a daily restless and tired mother raise a child who is calm and confident?
In fact, before the child is one year old, it is true that the mother needs to accompany him frequently, but when the child learns to walk and begins to explore the world on his own, the mother needs to let go more, that is, the child does not need you to always play with him!
This notion may surprise many parents: "What? Isn't it better that we are always with him? Is it difficult to put the child aside and ignore him? ”
Here comes a concept: high-quality companionship. How to judge the quality of companionship? What is truly high-quality companionship?
Accompany you at work
I think the high standard for the quality of companionship is how the parents and children are at the moment.
As long as the state of both parties is pleasant and peaceful, such companionship is high-quality companionship. That is to say, high-quality companionship does not mean that parents are on standby at any time and accompany their children to play games.
In fact, in the family, high-quality companionship is not only our traditional parents playing with their children wholeheartedly, but there is also a more important but often overlooked high-quality companionship: that is, the children play by themselves, and the parents do their own work.
The former kind of companionship is well understood, which is also what many parents strive to practice. The latter one makes many people puzzled: parents work on the side, and letting children play by themselves is also a high-quality companionship?
Of course. It should be noted that the work referred to here is definitely not the Internet, telephone socializing, reading books, etc., as we usually understand, but refers to the work that children can understand and imitate.
For example, doing housework and doing handicrafts, these children can see, understand and imitate, only such work can become the work of accompanying children.
At the same time, the state of the parents when doing work is extremely important, are you in a hurry to work in order to complete the work or enjoy the work itself, leisurely work? You know, the child absorbs not only what the parents do, he is more likely to absorb the state of the parents when they do things.
Some people may not believe it, because the child tends to be very attentive when he plays by himself, as if he does not notice that his mother is doing housework next to him, how can this be a high-quality companionship?
In fact, the child does not seem to notice what the mother is doing on the surface, but he perceives this companionship with his soul, as the Dutch educator Bernard Liwei Hood said in the book "The Child's Growth Process - Three Seven Years to Achieve the Child's Life": "The more unconscious the child's perception of his surroundings, the more this perception penetrates into the soul." ”
I think many children will remember the scene when their parents were working when they were young, because the parents at that time were not in a hurry, they were always slow and leisurely, full of joy to do their work, this warmth, this state of enjoyment, many years later can still be engraved in the minds of their children, lasting.
As a stay-at-home mom, I don't have a nanny to help with the housework, and I want to write something when my children are asleep.
So I had to take the child to do housework with him when he was awake, but I didn't expect that the child actually liked it very much, not only would not make trouble, but would often help to work, and sometimes even if he wanted to play without working, he was always happy and presented a state of satisfaction and pleasure.
At that time, I wondered, could it be that the children like me to do housework? Because the child likes it, I am not in a hurry, it is more relaxed and leisurely to do housework, and the child's state is getting better and better.
Later, when I studied HDF education, I learned that the companionship that I accidentally hit was actually a kind of companionship that was highly respected in HDF education.
HDF Education believes that:
Adults are only the environment of children's lives, not the domination of children's lives, such companionship, adults do what they like, the state is very relaxed, joyful.
Children absorb this state will also be very relaxed and joyful, at the same time, adults concentrate on doing their own things, in itself is a demonstration, these two points alone, has provided a very good environment for children.
After learning this educational philosophy, I introduced rhythm and rhythm into our housework, sweeping and mopping the floor regularly every day, monday to Friday, I would arrange different chores to do every day, such as wiping the table on Monday, washing socks on Tuesday, cleaning toys on Wednesday, washing shoes on Thursday, making pasta on Friday, etc.
In these activities, I rarely shouted beans to help, just did it easily, sometimes he would come to help, sometimes he would play with himself, but no matter which one, his state was calm and joyful.
When I really wanted him to participate, I rarely said it directly, but instead attracted his attention by singing, whether it was wiping the table or washing the socks, I made up specific songs for these activities, such as our "Socks Song": "Mom is washing socks, washing socks, Mom is washing socks now!" ......”
Our family sings all day long, I believe that this kind of singing itself is also a kind of companionship, but also a kind of rhythm and rhythm, I think when Doudou grows up, he will also remember our beautiful housework time.
Of course, he was more likely to remember the chores associated with him, such as washing his clothes and shoes, such as doing crafts for him, such as making him toys.
As long as the parents are in a good state, all housework is a kind of high-quality companionship, and the housework related to the child is a kind of super companionship that cannot be exchanged for gold.
So, with this kind of companionship, do parents still need to play with their children?
Of course, especially when the child needs you to participate in his game, the same, accompany the child to play, remember that you are only a companion, a follower.
Do not try to teach the child anything through the game, the child will naturally absorb everything he can absorb, on the contrary, an adult jumps up and down in the game, desperately guiding, on the surface the child is excited, crazy, but in fact this is not the state that the child should have.
That is to say, this is just your performance, not real life, what we should give to children is real life, what we should really cultivate is the child's ability to live independently and the ability to feel life.
Both kinds of companionship are important
Similarly, such a wholehearted play with children should be combined with the aforementioned work to accompany children, every day there is such companionship, there is also that kind of companionship, the two are indispensable. Its importance can be explained from four aspects:
First, the accompanying play of parents can make children feel their importance and let parents and children have more common topics.
This is well known, but no adult can always be calm and joyful with his children around the clock.
Because this is not what parents really like, parents can't play their children's games all day and indulge in them, unless he hasn't grown up yet and is psychologically a three-year-old.
Second, parental work companionship is not only a kind of companionship for children, but also a kind of companionship for themselves, and this kind of shifting can make adults have better qualities to get along with children.
Personally, doing housework in the company of my children is very enjoyable, having such a enjoyable time, and when I play with my children, I am more attentive.
At the same time, it also saves me a lot of time, so that after the child falls asleep, I have enough time to read and write, which makes me energetic and refreshed.
Third, such companionship is the companionship that children really need.
When parents play with their children, children can learn how to play cooperatively with others, but also learn a lot of excellent qualities from adults, when parents accompany their children through work, children will learn how to play alone, which is his time to accompany himself.
Many children have nothing to do as soon as they leave their parents and do not know what to do, which is why their parents have not given him the opportunity to play by himself since he was a child.
Some people also say that if my child doesn't play with him, he really doesn't know how to play, he will be bored.
Well, the occasional boredom of children is a must, just like adults, everyone needs a little bit of boring time, so that we know better what to do next, it can be said that when we are bored, it is actually when we are closest to our hearts, and it is also the time when we really think independently.
Fourth, from the perspective of the child's health, so that the child raised can have a true self.
When he plays alone, he develops his ego; when his parents play with him, his ego is let go.
The combination of these two kinds of companionship, the child has both the space to develop himself, and the time to let go of himself, which is a healthy development situation.
If the adult can never concentrate on playing with the child, the child's ego is always lonely, and when he grows up, he may become very egotistical, only knowing that he has himself and does not know that there are others.
On the contrary, the kind of child who plays with adults all the time is difficult to get room for self-development, because his self and the adult self are entangled, and even wrapped up by adults.
Especially at home, children who are surrounded by many adults, the adult self tightly wraps the child's self, which is tantamount to a kind of strangulation, so now we will see so many poor children without egos.