The day before yesterday, I saw the article "Zhang Ting's Secret, Harming Ten Million Treasure Mothers" published by the new weekly magazine, and I could not calm down for a long time after reading it.
As a stay-at-home mom, I have a lot to say.
In the more than nine hundred days since the birth of the child, not a single night has left me. How "troublesome" it is to raise children, and how deeply I "squeeze" myself, I definitely have a very real experience.
But
Is raising a baby really a "road of no return"?
Choosing to be a stay-at-home mom is really "getting bogged down"?
I don't have any successful experience of "counterattack", nor do I have mastered the wealth code of "five figures per month", in fact, many times I am one step away from "not opening the pot". There's nothing great about title, just an ordinary kid. But I think it can't be that way, stay-at-home moms don't and shouldn't always be passive.
Who looks down on stay-at-home moms?
——" The Secret of Zhang Ting, Harming Ten Million Treasure Mothers"
If someone says something like that to you, stay away from him sooner rather than later. Because he denies your own worth.
First, there are social circles, not necessarily friends. I don't have a social circle, but I have real friends.
I don't have time to socialize, and I rarely see good friends, or even date Jordan. The number of times I went out alone (without a baby) in three years, I can definitely count it on both hands. Taking a baby takes up most of my time.
But the meaning of true love is that there is no need to use "social" to maintain, I know they are there, they can be in the north and south of the world, but they are also in my heart.
The so-called "social circle", I don't need it, of course, I have not become a yellow-faced woman.
So, do you need a "social circle"? Think about it.
Second, it is good to have a "career" (what the public thinks of as a "profession" that can bring income), but it is not a standard of "unworthy".
No one is qualified to "look down" on anyone.
The situation of stay-at-home mothers is difficult, and we all know that the value of bringing a baby is far from being underestimated.
But let's put aside other people's opinions for the time being, and ask ourselves, what do we think of the "full-time baby" thing? Are you underestimating the value of this thing?
I think that the matter of taking a baby is more valuable than most of the worldly "careers", which is the "cause" of the future, and what the world will become in the future depends on what kind of people we give to the world.
Be sure to affirm this in your heart, all mothers will believe that their children are unique, and their mothers are unique.
When you truly believe and affirm, it can become a source of your strength.
Stay-at-home moms need to find themselves the most
No one will look down on you unless you can't see yourself.
Jordan and I said that the most important thing is not how much money you make, what you do, how you do it, but how you find yourself.
Hearing this while worrying about next month's rent, Jordan thought I was too vain.
But you, who are also a stay-at-home mother, should have a more realistic understanding of this.
If you can't think of it for a while, then think about the opposite, how many people complain that after having children, they "have no self".
When most people say "no self", they are just saying that they don't have their own time, no time to socialize, no time to brush up on dramas, no time to do nothing.
But we need to think a little deeper.
Not having time to entertain or do other things we could do before we didn't have children doesn't mean we're "out of our selves." In fact, I know myself more clearly than ever before.
After having children, our lives will definitely change, and often change dramatically.
If you don't adjust, if you don't adapt, if you stop complaining about "no self", then I suspect that whether you have children or not, you have not found "self".
Parenting is self-rearing, this sentence seems to be about to "rot the street", but there are not too many people who really understand and practice it.
Nurturing a life is a wonderful journey that only mothers can enjoy, and only we can 100% appreciate the process of self-growth and maturation.
What could be more touching and thought-provoking than seeing a miracle of life?
I was invited to answer a question very early on, how to achieve self-improvement while taking a baby?
Many people pay attention to, but also many people answer, many of the time management methods mentioned in it are also very good, and mothers who have this problem may wish to search for it.
Here I just want to say a very basic and pure point, that is, as human beings themselves, when we have an additional "mother" identity, when we are deeply involved in and help the growth of a life, our own life will certainly become full, and this kind of enrichment of body, mind and soul is itself a great "self-improvement".
"Finding Yourself" is not an end, but a process.
The world is always in dynamic change, and we must maintain the vision of development and keep thinking. The two books I recently read for moms are related to the self and "parenting":
What pushes Bao Ma to micro-business?
One of the most positive comments at the bottom of that article read:
——" The Secret of Zhang Ting, Harming Ten Million Treasure Mothers"
It's very sad after reading it, right? Under the big machine of society, we are too small as individuals.
The improvement of the social environment and legal protection cannot be completed overnight, and as a small individual, it can play a limited role (of course, the accumulation of small streams to become rivers and seas requires our joint efforts).
But it is also because of our smallness, we do not have to wait until the entire macro environment becomes more friendly, just a little change in the micro environment around us can bring about a big difference.
You don't need to let the whole society see the value of parenting, you just need to let one person see, that is, the father of the child, your husband.
Leaving aside the "root problem" mentioned by the reader in the comment, I think that the "direct reason" for pushing Bao Mom to micro-business is more likely to be the father of the child.
If the father of the child can recognize the value of the mother, can see the difficulties of parenting, and can provide a good and reliable holding environment for the child and the mother, I believe that the mother will not be easily brainwashed by the remarks of those micro-businessmen.
There are indeed some problems in the concept of our society, such as fathers with more children, will get a vote of praise: good father! Model husband! However, mothers have paid so much for their children, but they are rarely recognized and seen by others.
But I still think that always staring at when the big environment changes doesn't mean anything to us, and the big environment changes start with the changes in all of our small environments.
The mother should take care of the parenting, not because we can't do it, "can only take the child", but because in this work, the mother is better at it, more suitable, and better than the father.
If your husband is a mature man, then life will not be so tiring in general, regardless of whether he is poor or rich. If not mature enough, then the mother will definitely work harder, "like raising two children."
Winnicott said in "Mother's Mind Lesson", "Under normal circumstances, whether a father can really know and understand his baby depends on what the mother does." ”
"Making a husband a father" is an important lesson for mothers.
Don't be afraid to start over
Quit your job and become a housewife, and you can only go black on the road of housewife?
The original workplace is not very friendly to the mother, and now the impact of the epidemic in the past few years, the overall economic environment is not so optimistic, to think about the place where the cake is suffered, it is simply more mournful and more mournful.
What to do?
The beads that the little doll picked from outside were thrown into the sand, and after a few spring rains, all the buds were emitted, and the peasants who had been dealing with the land all their lives were all shocked.
Even a barren place like sand can grow life, but what about us? The environment is really bad, but is it really impossible to absorb any nutrients?
I'm not here to give answers, and I don't have answers. Even if I say, don't be afraid to start over, I can't always do it. No one is perfect, and no one needs to be perfect.
In the process of raising children, I have a deep feeling, that is, do not worry about the problems you envision:
For example, children need to be held to soothe, worried about "holding habits";
For example, children like to climb during the development stage of big sports, and worry about "the danger after climbing habits."
And don't regret "not doing a good job in the first place":
For example, finding that past parenting was inappropriate may be the cause of certain problems in children today;
For example, regret that you didn't save more money, or make more preparations to have children.
See the present moment, focus on the present moment, and start from the present moment.
As I began to reconcile with my imperfect self, I discovered that the shortcomings of the past were also the soil for progress today. I see the power of children, I see the process of life, I see that all experiences are treasures that shine.
When I began to learn to distinguish between "imaginary future concerns" and "de facto difficulties of the moment," I found that the situation wasn't that bad.
"Don't be afraid to start over", this frightening restart, is not a "worry that may arise in the imaginary future?" ”
The more you are in the "bad environment", the more you should focus on living in each moment. The future is full of uncertainty, and only this minute and second that we have spent steadily, like every inch of land cultivated by farmers, is what we can determine and seize.
Cultivating your time down-to-earth is also a process of "finding yourself".
Finding yourself can be something you find out what you like and are good at, you can be a clear source of inner strength and courage, or you can analyze yourself, face your weaknesses and deficiencies, and open up a new world from it, so that you can stand in it.
Today just saw the short film of Station B for May Fourth Youth Day, "Not Blown Down by the Wind", which is also worth thinking about for each of our full-time mothers, how to let us not be anxious, not to be coerced, not to be blown down.
The road is obstructed and long, and the line is coming
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Moms are chatting together, and there will always be a lot of resonance. Full-time mothers have the pain of full-time mothers, and working mothers also have the difficulties of working mothers.
But it is precisely in the midst of suffering and hardship that profound growth occurs.
In the past few years of raising children, I have found that moms are a process of "becoming". Behind the identity of "stay-at-home mom", I am more myself.
When I became a mom, I was also being myself, and I was a better version of myself.
Finally, I would like to end this article with a self-introduction article when I was 16 years old, the other day when the child was playing inadvertently turned over, and in a moment, the memory protruded from the corner of oblivion. Looking back at this childish text, I actually made myself a little moved.
Written in 2008
"Vision begins to grow", study hard, live with heart.