I believe that everyone is like this, when they talk about a relationship and choose to enter the marriage hall with a person, they all have a lot of expectations.
It is two people who are moved at a glance, because they meet each other and feel that the hardships of their past lives are not a thing.
It is two people who happen to be in the right place, always have a tacit understanding, and one look can guess each other's intentions.
It is two people who have known each other for a long time, experienced the ups and downs of life together, and found each other indispensable.
Then decided to come together and imagine how gorgeous it would be to have each other.
It's just that in the long days, it is always difficult for two people to get along, and there will be problems of one kind or another.
Recently, I read Zivit Abramson, a psychologist who specializes in family, partnership, and sex therapy, the invisible contract, and gave me some new thoughts about marriage from the perspective of the "father of self-enlightenment" Adler psychology class, and a large number of real cases.
On the cover of the book is a sentence: Between every couple, there is a psychological contract.
What kind of contract is this, you may wish to open this "Invisible Contract" with me.
01
What is a psychological contract.
The psychological contract mentioned in the book refers to an invisible contract.
There is an invisible psychological contract between each partner, and the terms of this contract are many things. Including in this intimate relationship, what both parties need to pay, what responsibilities are and how to distribute, and what will be gained.
This contract is usually not written in black and white, but rather an oral agreement.
One of the key points is that this contract is not necessarily reciprocal and will change over time.
When his friend Qiqi married his boyfriend, he quit his job for the other party and went to his city, and after the marriage, he planned to rest for a while, and then began to look for a job. But because of the child, the plan can only be shelved.
Seven-seven husband said, Next, you are at ease at home to raise a good fetus, I will earn money to support the family, you will be at home well.
It's just that during pregnancy and giving birth, spending money is like flowing water, although there is in-laws to help, but the husband of Qiqi makes money alone, compared to the previous two people to make money, it is always inevitable to be stretched.
When the baby is one year old, the atmosphere at home is becoming more and more tense, Qiqi's husband complains about his hard work, all kinds of overtime socializing, Qiqi feels that he is at home with a baby, there is no moment of rest, and the contradictions between the two are increasing.
During that time, Qiqi often said a sentence: He was just lying to me, saying that he was making money to support his family, which was simply a big liar.
Later, once Qiqi's husband worked overtime for a few days in a row, tired in the company, and in the few days of hospitalization, Qiqi personally experienced that he worked hard, and Qiqi's husband also knew how trivial it was to take the baby, and the two of them got back together.
When the children were older, Qiqi found a part-time job at home, and her husband would also take the handle and take the baby to do housework when he came home.
Qiqi and her husband formulated a psychological contract at the beginning: one party makes money to support the family, the other party becomes pregnant and has a baby, and both sides have their own payments and responsibilities.
Because of the changes in various factors, this psychological contract has undoubtedly lost its balance.
If there is no timely adjustment, then the contradictions and quarrels between the two sides will increase.
Some partners are lucky enough to realize that something is wrong between them at some point and adjust in time.
But how many partners, when similar intimate relationships change, do not adjust the psychological contract in time, resulting in separation?
02
A bad contract can easily lead an intimate relationship to ruin.
There is a saying in the book: Contracts with unequal responsibilities are not good contracts, and the breakdown of relationships is only a matter of time.
It is deeply believed that any party in an intimate relationship should be seen to give.
Both parties are contributing in their own ways, each contributing to the future, and each contribution is meaningful to the management of long-term intimate relationships.
But unfortunately, in many real situations, we will always see the efforts of one of them, ignored by the other, or even beaten.
A phrase that is often heard is: You know, if it is not all with me, otherwise...
In this case, it is necessary for one of the intimate partners to be able to make changes, that is, to change the original partnership contract.
No longer blindly fighting to win or lose, in the past, one party must have paid more, but saw, understood, and considered.
As the saying goes, home is a place to be reasonable, not a place to be reasonable, and if you must be reasonable, you will lose completely.
When we think about how to adjust our intimacy, we must pay special attention to a few points:
First of all, express your feelings, those irritable and wronged, those gains and losses.
Then look forward to how the two sides will change, how they can adjust, and what kind of results will be achieved after optimization.
Finally make an actual change, and when the other person responds to your expectations and changes, then you also have to give positive feedback.
There are chickens and dogs jumping in life, but timely adjustment and change can allow us to reduce and avoid the emergence of sword-rattling situations before many storms come.
03
There's another word in the book that I really like: partner compatibility.
Refers to a person's ability to live in harmony with each other in order to establish an intimate relationship.
The author mentions that the current partner compatibility is particularly low, and there are many reasons in it, some are influenced by their parents, some are only concerned with themselves, and some are low self-esteem...
But there are also solutions to improve partner compatibility and resolve conflicts:
01 Both partners should respect each other's wishes, do not have to be winners, but also do not blindly give in and lead to sacrifice themselves.
02 Both partners should jointly discover the current problem, what it means for the intimate relationship, and deepen the mutual understanding of the two people.
03 To propose a solution on the basis of mutual understanding, and willing to contribute to the solution to resolve contradictions and conflicts.
04 Both partners are jointly responsible for the implementation of the solution and are actively promoting, and there is some positive feedback in it.
Intimate relationship is a particularly important science in our lives, and we hope that we who understand it better can know how to operate in a long-term intimate relationship.