Wen | Mi Xiaomu
In the park, a father and son are playing badminton, and the child is about 10 years old.
When the father and son were playing badminton, they heard the father constantly correcting the child's badminton posture. After a few minutes, Dad stopped fighting and chose to sit in a chair in the park. No matter how much the son pleaded, let the father accompany him for a while. Dad refused, and the reason for the refusal was "when you were fighting just now, who told you that you didn't fight well."
Kids still want to play badminton? Okay, let's practice first. Then, the father let his son practice the ball alone with the racket. After watching the child practice enough, the father finally got up at the child's request again.
Unsurprisingly, in the process of playing, a ball is counted down, and the tone is severe. Finally, after another harsh instruction, the boy dropped his racket and cried. Shouting at Dad, "Why, always say I can't play well?" ”
"Did you have a good fight?"
"I have!! Why do you always say I can't play well? ”
"You can't fight well!"
Two fathers and sons, in the roar of each other, could not stop. Just then, two old men came, the elders of the boys. The old man began to persuade and persuade him, and the father shook his head. Later, simply confronting the boy was a scolding question. "Why don't you fight well?" Did you play well? Why are you angry if you don't play well? ”
The serial cannon-like scolding made the boy completely angry, and he also roared back, he was already fighting well, why did his father keep accusing him.
Eventually, under the persuasion of the two old men, the boy picked up the racket again and played with one of the old men. The old man received the ball while cheering the boy up. Every ball the boy played was affirmed by the old man.
Unfortunately, at the same time that the old man's voice sounded, the father's mouth was not idle. He continued to "guide" the boy, just now this ball, where it was not played well, how to play. As he spoke, he simply got up and took the child's hand to demonstrate.
Seeing the scene of this father and son, I suddenly remembered a sentence in my mind:
If parents have the following three behavior patterns: more management, fierce scolding, and heavy beatings, they have basically entered the ranks of control freaks, tiger fathers and tiger mothers, they do not value their children's feelings, and will only use high-pressure strategies to pressure their children to act according to the rules.
This father's approach has taken up the two points of "managing more and scolding fiercely". Whether there is a fight at home, I don't know. However, as a bystander, I already feel a lot of pressure to listen to it, not to mention children in their 10s. Playing badminton is already like this, and other things are not too bad.
The sentence that reminds me of it was shared by Wu Juanyu, an expert in parent-child education, in "The Inner World of Manipulative Parents". In "The Inner World of Manipulative Parents", Wu Juanyu mainly shared the four subconscious fears in the negative messages transmitted by adults to children in family education, namely: individual, native family, native family, and collective subconscious fear.
In the several types of fear that Wu Juanyu shared, similar fears will be seen. Let's start with three stories.
Three stories
A mother, who did not feel the warmth of the family since childhood, studied, worked and started a family step by step. After starting a family, with a daughter, the married life is not happy.
This mother, the dissatisfaction in life, vented on her daughter. He has always treated his daughter in a violent manner. The daughter, who has always been docile, finally broke out in high school, and her inner voice finally broke out: "You can't hit me in the future."
The voice of the daughter shocked the mother who was accustomed to venting. Since then, the relationship between the daughter and her mother has dropped to the freezing point. The mother wants to reconcile with her daughter, but there is no way to start.
This mother, because of her personal growth experience, passed on negative emotions from generation to generation.
The second story.
A man who was beaten up by his father from childhood also used a violent approach in the process of getting along with his son.
The son, who is already in his second year of high school, began to fight back in the process of being beaten by his father again. Father and son beat each other, and the mother on the side could not pull away the two men who were fighting.
This story, and the previous one, have similarities. Children who are gradually growing up have chosen to launch a counterattack against their parents when they have the ability.
What is the end result in this story?
The father knocked his son unconscious with one punch, and the hospital diagnosed it as a mild concussion. Seeing his son's appearance, the father finally saw that he was wrong. Slowly learning to change, the father has never used violence to solve the "son's problem".
The father who "solved" his son with violence, his behavior came from the subconscious fear of the original family.
The third story.
Unfortunately, this is yet another story of violence. Similarly, it is a conflict between father and son.
Because he suffered violence from his father from an early age, when the boy became a family and became a father. In the face of the naughty son, even if he is only in the third grade, he chose to communicate violently.
Violent behavior, when did this dad start to change? Under the influence of his wife, there was a slow change.
These three stories are all real examples shared by Wu Juanyu in "The Inner World of Manipulative Parents". Three stories, is there anything in common? Whether it is personal, or native family, or the original family brings subconscious fear. They all point to a word called "passed down from generation to generation."
Whether it is negative emotions or violent parenting, it is deeply engraved in a person's heart, just like genes, passed on from generation to generation. However, whether it is negative emotions or violent parenting styles, as long as a person has awareness and changes in action, he can still grow in a better direction.
Say goodbye to "generations of people"
A father, who lives on the top floor, every time he takes the elevator, he will press the elevator back to the first floor when he walks out of the elevator. He did this so that people on the first floor could take the elevator without having to wait too long.
The father's actions were seen by the son. Later, every time I took the elevator, my son also learned to press the elevator back to the first floor when he stepped out of the elevator.
The words and deeds of parents will deeply affect children, even if it is a small elevator. The way those get along with people, the model of family education, will also be influenced by parents.
Wang Xiao shared her growth experience in "The Wish To Write Down is Easier to Achieve". She is thankful that her parents did not give her a lot of restrictions on "gender". When Wang Xiao became a mother and had a daughter, she also consciously helped her daughter break the restrictions brought about by "gender".
In family upbringing, there is a good inheritance and there is also the transmission of negative emotions, just like the three stories shared above. What they convey is the cold, violent solution of love. I believe that the children in the three stories will resist this way of getting along in their hearts. However, unfortunately, after they become mom and dad, there is also a great possibility that they will adopt the same way to raise their children.
Isn't there a way to change it? Not. If you meet a good partner, it will help you grow up and get out of that predicament. Just like in the story, the two fathers who solve the problem with violence, they both have wives who help them change.
If only I could take the initiative to detect it earlier and change it. Then, you will live a completely different life from your original family. After all, the initiative in life is in your own hands. The parents in the three stories of "The Inner World of Manipulative Parents" have finally changed.
Chen Haixian, a psychological counselor, has a book title that fits this topic very well - "Love, Needs Practice". Loving yourself, loving your family, how to love, these all need to be practiced. How to practice?
For example, in the mother-daughter story above, Wu Juanyu's advice to the mother is to learn to give "love and warmth". In the face of a daughter who is unwilling to communicate, the mother can choose to write everything she wants to say to her daughter in the book. Take the initiative to join the community, to help others, to learn to love, to learn to give warmth.
Fathers who are accustomed to solving problems with violence, after realizing that they are not right, the three words "sorry" cannot be spoken to their sons, but they can say "thank you" to their children. Let the warmth of home flow up.
In any case, as long as you want, there is always a harmonious way for your family members to get along. As long as you want, the negative impact of "passing it on from generation to generation" can be minimized.
Love, need to practice. As a parent, there will be blind spots in parenting. Reading different parenting books can bring different gains. If you are already a parent, you may wish to open Wu Juanyu's "The Inner World of Manipulative Parents". The story inside is nice and easy to read. In other people's stories, learn to be "good enough parents."
Happy reading.
I am Mi Xiaomu, with two babies at home, and I love to read.